family arguments! dont know what to do?its making me so sad

jussyc

Ems*Honie wrote: »

I'm really sorry for all your recent troubles. The one thing that stands out to me is your childrens holiday. I really feel you should bite the bullet and take them anyway, it's not their fault all this trouble and you will all miss out on quality time with them otherwise. Couldn't you text your parents with something to that effect, or maybe that its time you all made up otherwise the kids will have a horrible holiday?

Hope you get sorted soon! Your builder sounds like one my hubby works with, notorious for his huffs

thanks oh thinks i should go to them and say 'look this has been blown out of proportion ,life too short, we are not backing down re builder as we still remain united on the fact that we were correct but for the kids sake this has to be sorted out, we have sorted the jobs now ourselves anyway and we are now happy with the standard of our bathroom'
im still so hurt dont know if i can, but oh has been great and remains that if it is upsetting me and the kids this much its not worth it but to still remain strong that we think we are in the right, but dont want it to blow even more out of proportion than it has been
however this , plus the great comments i have had from here which i again thank everyone for,:A will make me a have a different perspective of my relationship with them and will make us stronger i think , as they never expect us to stand up to them
and maybe it might do us all good to show weve grown up a bit, and wont be as dependant on them in the future, so they wont have as much control in our lives, plus its make me see them as people with failings like everyone else and not 2 people on a pedastle sitting in an ivory tower, and just cos they are my mum and dad doesnt mean they cant be wrong (not something ive admitted before, every word theyve ever said has been gosple maybe thats the problem)
also its my little girls birthday on sunday shes 7 and shes worried about this spoling her birthday and her holiday and waking up in the night asking questions so its having a major effect on her and im not having that at any cost-my kids come first and must do
just got to buck up courage to do it and the last few days ive dropped kids off in morning as mum takes them to school and neither of us have spoken at all
ill see how its goes just got to try not to get emotional and look all pathetic, or be too defensive and end up with another huge row-god its a hard one!
on the good news found a nice tiler to put job right (hopefully)will have cost over £400 now to put all jobs right !nightmare!

belfastgirl23

Good luck!

Just also to say I think you're right that all of this is partly about how you feel about yourself and also about your mum and dad.

You are grown up, you have a job and a husband and children. Okay you're not loaded but you're managing and I'm sure your kids don't lack for love and affection. If your home is happy you have nothing to apologise to your parents for. It's you who feels you should be in a high powered job (or should have married a man who was like this) - it's up to YOU to let go of this and accept yourself and your family for what you are. At the end of the day you've chosen to invest in different areas of your life - I'm guessing your parents weren't always there for you when you were a child if they were off building a business etc. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just a different choice with different outcomes - in their case their child feels that she isn't living up to their expectations - I bet that's something you'd never put on any of your own kids. You don't need to feel less important because you haven't put that type of success ahead of everything else. Be PROUD of who and what you are.

Oddly enough I've seen this sort of thing in other families. it's usually when the DD or DS really gets to a point where they are comfortable in their own skin and don't need parental approval that the parents finally do approve of them. Whereas those who run after approval never get it....

changkra

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Spot-on, my husband realised that no matter what he did he could never please his mother, so he stopped trying. He was a good son to her, and looked after her, but in the end he did what he felt was right and not what she wanted him to do (very occasionally these were the same thing).

He was certainly much calmer and happier once he'd got his relationship with his mother into the right perspective and stopped trying to please her.

I was the same with my mother, i never had a conversation with her she always spoke at me with criticism never too me, she also had a temper with me that she barely controlled. She always made me feel i wasn't good enough, she bullied me basically and even 5 years after her death people still say to me what she was like with me so it wasn't just kept behind closed doors. I got to 30 when i realised i couldn't change things and i removed the noose she had around my neck and i distanced myself from all my family except one brother and his family. Things are far easier and happier now.

Deals_2

"my sister was working for them when he did a shop refit for them and said she thought he was a compulsive liar "

jussyc wrote: »

had an awful nightlast night couldnt stop sobbing as i thought about reality of not going on holiday and impact on kids, cant blame hubby after whats been said for not wanting to go and he said hes understands for kids sake if i go as its already been paid for (£1750 for villa and £700 for flights) but he cant take another thing from them(as they paying for this also)
but also cant imagine getting on plane and leaving him behind either
either way i cant imagine having to tell kids as they are so excited, dd already getting vibes and keeps asking whats wrong as her mums been in such a state all weekend
cant see anyway forward with parents-they are so adamant its our fault for upsetting their builder
my sister was working for them when he did a shop refit for them and said she thought he was a compulsive liar
we have decided not to pay him for the plastering work he did for us as it is gonna cost so much to sort out tiling as one person said to us that as he has tiled on plasterboard when the tiles are pulled off it may pull this off also...

Mizz_Pink

Ive read all this thread. I feel for you and can understand the uspet and frustration. I hope you get you new bathroom soon and you make up with your parents.

jussyc

well i did go round and things settled down for a few days until fri when dad came round going mad saying we must pay for the plastering even though now the bill is up to £600 to put jobs right, well it all kicked off again to say the least
then the new tiler came and told us that now the shower has been wired incorrectly and is dangerous and that the builder got an his dad to do the electrics at my parents house and hes not even an electrician, so i told mum and she went mad, i went to work and dad sent some evil texts to my hubby saying he had caused all this, and has nothing in life to be proud of and gambles all our money away(even though i have all the wages)and that he is turning their daughter against them
so hubby lost it and said he will never speak again, and defo no holiday
i have had 2 weeks of constant crying, cant sleep and only feel ok at work as girls there are great and have taken my mind off everything
just cant see end to anything and cant see any resolve
my heart is breaking, plus car broke down again,only had it 2 weeks and dropped kids at mums this morning and she never spoke and had 3 cars up the drive , knowing i had no way to work in the rain and watching me go without a word,.......cant believe they think so little .......never in a million years did i think things could get this bad.....
i know now we wont go way but still cant tell kids...this is breaking my heart and i dont think i'll ever get over it..:www:

rosieben

I'm so sorry that things have got so bad again, dont know what to say except that you need to focus on your priorities, I guess that's DH and kids and yourself! I can imagine how you feel, had some of this with my mother but you need to be taking care of yourself and your family, please dont let your parents drag you down any more.

You must tell the kids about the holiday and move on. Its surely far worse for them to see you so upset for weeks than have a holiday!

I cant believe that your mother let you walk to work in the rain but thats her way of punishing you for not living your life her way - this whole thing is about them wanting control over your life isnt it?

I wish I lived near you, I would help you out with a lift to work! Meantime I send this :grouphug:

jussyc

thanks rosieben, you are a star
they are just so pigheaded
i go from thinking oh just sod them , to hearing a bob marley song on the radio and reminding me of my wedding 9 years ago when we got married in the Dominican Republic and all had such a brilliant time together and just wish it could be like that again, and just sob and sob
i guess ive just got to move on from them and however bitter a pill it is to swallow realise that they arent the people i thought they were and realize that even though i know they love me, i dont think they like me very much or approve of anything i ever do
i feel like like my heart is breaking....they will never admit they are wrong so can only through things at my hubby to put blame on someone else, they just cant be big enough to admit they are wrong about the builder
i wake up and cry and i remember how bad things are,get along fine at work , then about 4 oclock the panic rises not knowing what im coming home to, get home then just want to go to bed after crying more, then go to bed and wake in night and then really early and cant get back to sleep
the house is like a bombs hit it and i cant be bothered to do anything about it, just trying to keep it together for kids sake easier said than done and also feel like a terrible mother, kids still going mums and will continue to do so that would never change, so guess thats ok

Errata

Sorry to hear things have gone downhill again. It sounds like your parents have become totally entrenched in their position, really aren't going to change their stance, and it's contaminating other areas of your relationship with them like the childminding.
It seems to me that your parents are being extremely callous in getting someone to do the wiring who isn't qualified as it's now illegal to do that and has put you, your OH and your children at risk. They may not care much about you and your OH but the kids don't deserve to be put at risk.
Perhaps you're just going to cut your emotional losses on this, and move on. Although matters aren't helped by everyone exchanging text messsages because that's a good way of giving someone a piece of your mind without the risk that you'll get a piece of theirs back straight to your face.
The kids won't be as upset about the holiday as you are, but they might take a clue from you and if they see you very upset about it think that they should be upset about it as well. Bit like copying a parents fear of spiders IYKWIM.
HTH

CelticStar

Hi JussyC

You didn't really reply to my other post so don't know if it was helpful or not but I'm sorry to hear that things have degenerated, I do feel for you. Perhaps it might be a good idea to face the worst, ie accept the holiday won't happen and that there is going to be a separation from your parents (at least for a while) that way, whatever good happens can only be a bonus. I don't think you've done anything wrong and it is sad when families break down like this but you aren't alone, it happens quite a lot. Try and rise above it if you can and put your energy into looking after your OH and children who love and need you.