family arguments! dont know what to do?its making me so sad

jussyc

i am going to write a list of problem we have had with him
first day he didnt turn up and dint hear from him until mum screamed at him then rang at 6pm to say sorry a wall had fallen on him(not hard enough obviously)
1. he told us when he came for quote that as we had a big hole in ceiling in bathroom that the ceiling would have to come down or it would cause huge problems later
he comes to do the job and overboards over it saying that the plasterers told him thats all they could do
2. does tiling, awful ,his own workmen say we usually do his tiling ,never seen him do it , not being funny mate but you could have done a better job yourself
3. hubby asks him for quote to plaster in bedroom, mum rings to say go ahead , i ring to ask when he can do it, hes denies all knowledge of knowing we want it done
4. fits shower etc and overflow to it it directly over back door so whoever has a shower upstairs , then whoever goes out the back door gets one to
5. says tiling isnt finished and will look fine with a bit of grouting, not on the tiles from one wall to the other match up there is at least a 2 inch marginthen tells hubby all tiling finished just needs polishing up, nothing sealed at all , tells mum when we complain it wasnt finished
6. takes heater out of wall leaves 6 brick hole with huge piece of concrete hanging, when we explain to dad both him and dad agree not his job, why dont we get up a ladder and knock huge peice of concrete off, when hubby says thats just not on, he says 'well if you speak to me nicely i might fix it' he fixes it by sticking a half bag on plaster in the hole
7. fits cupboard , which we thought was ok, since every other builder has laughed at it and said it is cut awful
8. when came to do quote said we defo need new electric box for shower, then comes to fit shower and tells dad he has to pay for new one as hes just realised its no good and it will cost him £175 more
9. hears hubby taking to his own cousin whos doing flooring and them laughing at tiling(even though hubby didnt know builder has come back)
and then whenhubbys says sorry mate i didnt want you to hear that , builder says well say it again and i'll knock you head off your shoulders-hubby says to you speak to all your customers like that-he saying your not my customer her dad is-and then lies to mum that hubby was slagging him off to one of his mates ,not realizing that its hubbys cousin who doesnt know him from adam!
10. also tells us he has plaster boarded bedroom ceiling ,which we doubt as when he did it in bathroom hes left all light fittings hanging down,however in bedroom hes plastered round the light fitting, so i dont think hes overboarded it
11. still no pipes boxed in. floorboars still up, no bath panels fitted , cabinets not fitted,hole in wall, overflow pipe not done,shower doesnt work and wouldnt dare us it as inch gap between one of side walls on shower at bottom, not sealed , cupboard halfbuilt to design half the size agreed
then after all this says that if we apologise and make ouselves scarce then he may come back
mum and dad agree with builder and fall out with us:mad:
sorry if that was a long post but its helped me put all the faults in writing
thanks again for support- as i know to some peoples problems this may sound trivial, but its upsetting me so much:(

summerday

Hi there,

I'm really sorry to hear what's happened and how much it has upset yuo. There has been a lot of useful suggestions, please DO take photos as suggested, you need this evidence if you end up taking any kind of action. I also agree that it's not worth taking money and favours from your parents because they clearly feel that it gives them control over what the money is spent on. Personally (and I know others might disagree) this would extend to the upcoming holiday. Yes, your kids will be disappointed at first, but it will not be the end of the world for them, you can have some quality time with them at home and they will enjoy it I'm sure. But if there are any unresolved issues by the time of the holiday things may well blow up horribly there and it won't be easy to get away.

I agree that you need to get them to see how bad the tiling really is and the comments other workmen have made.

They have made some cheap, personal nasty remarks about you and especially your husband. I can only guess this is because they feel you were being ungrateful, so all you can do is keep saying you are grateful they gave the money, and it is them you are protecting as well as they should not pay for shoddy workmanship.

This will all blow over in time, but I too hate arguments and know how upsetting it can be.

Sarah x

jussyc

i know, just keeps looking at holiday stuff and kids new little outfits for holiday and evry time i see it i cry

Ivrytwr3

Dear God, this sounds like a school yard falling out. The problem:

Tiling is wrong on in the bathroom.

Result:

1. Parents regular tradesman of 2 years work is criticised, he walks off job (why laugh at his work? Why did you not act like adults and point out you weren't happy and ask him to rectify it?)

2. Huge family fall out.

OMG! Get real, there are far worse problems in the world.

Also, your parents have offered olive branches, apologise to the builder, i think this was a fair request. Then the builder would have made good his work and everyones happy; you told them no.

OK your parents spoke to the builder and got the builder to come back if you weren't there, i can see that point too. You laughed at his work and he has to come back with you looking all smug, don't think i would have come back either.

You had a good thing with your parents, they give you money, they buy bathroom suites for you and because the tiling is wrong you throw it all back at them.

Take a big bunch of flowers ON HOLIDAY with all of you and thank them for been great parents and you're ALL sorry something so silly has blown up like this (and tell your husband to get his !!! there too).

summerday

We might get another hot spell and they can wear it here for days out! Please don't let this holiday upset you so much, really and truly I am sure the kids will be upset at first but they really will be okay. They would much rather have a happy mummy and daddy than be exposed to more nasty arguments (which is more likely on holiday especially if alcohol is flowing and people are more likely to say exactly what they think).

Would you be willing to let the children go on their own with their grandparents? This would be more of a treat from the grandparents to their grandchildren, rather than to you and the control that goes with it. This is one option. Personally there is no way I would go without my hubby, especially in light of the very hurtful and nasty things they have only just said about him with no apology, I would want to show a united front and stand up for my husband against that. But I appreciate that only you know your family as well as you do, people like me on the forum don't know all teh ins and outs.

Things will blow over in time, even if it takes more than a few weeks.

Ivrytwr3

when all this happened an adult conversation with the builder i'm sure would have rectified the problem. If not, (face to face, not texting)


"Mum, can i have a quiet word?"

"What's the problem, fruit of my loins, apple of my eye?"

"I'm really glad you helped us with the new suite, we couldn't have done it without you, but the tiling in the bathroom is not right. Would you mind having a look at it and see what you think, or ask the builder to sort it for us?"

"Oh i'm really sorry dearest daughter, he's usually very good we use him all the time. Leave it with me."

cue work been done, hubby not getting threatened with been knocked out, everyone going on a family holiday. Life's too short for trivial problems like this.

I'm going to Iraq soon leaving my wife, 2 year old son, 1 year old daughter and the rest of my family for up to 6 months and there's a chance i may not come back at all (except in a box ) Put things into perspective and see how small this problem really is.

ALIBOBSY

I have always found it better when my parents offer us money (unless it is a small amount) to take it as an interest free loan and pay them back. Even if you just pay a small amount each month they can't keep throwing it back in your face as you are being responsible for the money and they are eventually getting their dosh back. BTW if you don't want to go away with your parents could you stretch to a cheap caravan hol in this country for you oh and the kids? We are going to Devon in a couple of weeks in a caravan for £100 for mon to fri. The kids feel like they have had a hol, but it doesn't break the bank.
Hope you get everything sorted soon, good luck.
ali x

jussyc

sorry if this post annoyed you it was not meant to do that, as i have several times i know this is trivial to other people , but to me at the minute its a huge thing as i feel so upset by it as i never thought my relationship with my parents would come to this
i know it may seem trivial but is it annoys you then we all have choices personally mine wouldnt be to leave my kids to go toIraq but i respect your courage for doing so, maybe if it annoys you so much maybe choose not to read it, but if youd read earlier posts then you would see we tried several times to talk to parents and builder and have sent several texts and spoke face to face to express our gratitude for the bathroom etc
however i appreciate your opinion on this matter and agree whole heartedly that is all ridiculous, but we are living in a huge mess now with financially no way out..
anyway hugs to your family as im sure they will miss their Daddy whilst hes away and hope more than anything for your safe return x

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

when all this happened an adult conversation with the builder i'm sure would have rectified the problem. If not, (face to face, not texting)


"Mum, can i have a quiet word?"

"What's the problem, fruit of my loins, apple of my eye?"

"I'm really glad you helped us with the new suite, we couldn't have done it without you, but the tiling in the bathroom is not right. Would you mind having a look at it and see what you think, or ask the builder to sort it for us?"

"Oh i'm really sorry dearest daughter, he's usually very good we use him all the time. Leave it with me."

cue work been done, hubby not getting threatened with been knocked out, everyone going on a family holiday. Life's too short for trivial problems like this.

I'm going to Iraq soon leaving my wife, 2 year old son, 1 year old daughter and the rest of my family for up to 6 months and there's a chance i may not come back at all (except in a box ) Put things into perspective and see how small this problem really is.

Errata

Jussy, you have to decide how much of an upset this whole affair is to be, now and in the future. You can swallow your pride, or you can stay in the right and be unhappy. It's your decision. Only you know what your past and current relationship with your parents is like. You can't change other people's behaviour but you can change your own, and that often results in them changing too.

And good luck and best wishes to Ivrytwr3.

jussyc

Errata wrote: »

Jussy, you have to decide how much of an upset this whole affair is to be, now and in the future. You can swallow your pride, or you can stay in the right and be unhappy. It's your decision. Only you know what your past and current relationship with your parents is like. You can't change other people's behaviour but you can change your own, and that often results in them changing too.

And good luck and best wishes to Ivrytwr3.

yes for once instead on screaming back at them as it usually ends up for once we are being the grown up ones , and keeping a dignified silence and just sending very polite texts and each time we send one pointing out that we dont want to fall out and how we appreciate it
just dropped kids off and Mum wouldnt even look at me , i think the worst bit has been the email as it was so hurtful, it wasnt written like a father speaking to his daughter it was more like a politician making an official statement! i just think they are incrediably disppointed in me and my sister as we are not as rich and successful as them , with all their cr*p about work ethics !