family arguments! dont know what to do?its making me so sad

rosieben

I dont think this is anything like a school yard falling out; I wish previous poster a safe return from Iraq but I dont really see what that has to do with this situation. Many of us are dealing with one sort of crisis or another at the moment but that doesnt lessen the amount of hurt the op is feeling, or her need to discuss and share opinions.

OP, I think the builder is working on the theory that the best form of defence is attack - he knew his work wasnt up to scratch and when he realised he was rumbled he ran to your parents to get in first with tales of being laughed at (that made me laugh! he's a big butch builder for goodness sake!) and got them on his side with his sorry tales.

I cant believe your parents are siding with him against their own daughter! I agree with previous posters, there is more to their attitude than this incident and maybe they are wanting to control you with their money. (I see this in my own family, my sister has her two adult sons entirely under her control)

I think you're right that your first loyalty has to be your OH. Whether or not you decide to take the children on holiday, or let them go with your parents only you can decide but I can fully understand your OH not going, and I'd feel the same under the circumstances. How about your parents needing to apologise to him! What they said about him (and you) was surely far worse than the builder being laughed at!

I hope you can resolve this, but you are only one of the adults in this, hope the others realise they must take some responsibility too.

looby75

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

I'm going to Iraq soon leaving my wife, 2 year old son, 1 year old daughter and the rest of my family for up to 6 months and there's a chance i may not come back at all (except in a box ) Put things into perspective and see how small this problem really is.

Pro going to get flamed for this but....

Ivrytwr, I've noticed that recently you have mentioned the fact you are going to Iraq in many discussion where you have disagreed with something that has upset another poster.

While you have my utmost appreciation and respect for doing the job you do the fact is you CHOOSE to do it. No one made you join the forces and when you did join up you knew there would be a chance that your life may be put in danger at some point.

I think it's unfair of you to keep using your impending deployment to suggest that no one other than people facing going to Iraq has any real reason to be upset. This is a big problem to the OP, and I can understand why she is upset, family arguments no matter how trivial the thing that started them can tear families apart and ruin lives. I've seen it, I've experienced it and it often can be a big deal.

Oh and btw I sincerely hope you come back home safe, sound and soon.

Errata

What Ivrytwr suggested was perspective, not trivialisation. And by the way, he's fighting for ALL of us, whether we like it or not - WE don't have a choice.
When things happen, it's not the things themselves that we find difficult to cope with, it's our feelings about them. Clearly the OP, her OH, the rellies and the builders feelings are running strongly just now, that's their choice - the tiles are merely the trigger. I could now sit down with a nice cuppa and rant and shout at my cancer, which won't make a scrap of difference. Or I can relax and ignore it for the rest of the day.

spinning_hamster_wheel

looby75 wrote: »

Pro going to get flamed for this but....

Ivrytwr, I've noticed that recently you have mentioned the fact you are going to Iraq in many discussion where you have disagreed with something that has upset another poster.

While you have my utmost appreciation and respect for doing the job you do the fact is you CHOOSE to do it. No one made you join the forces and when you did join up you knew there would be a chance that your life may be put in danger at some point.

I think it's unfair of you to keep using your impending deployment to suggest that no one other than people facing going to Iraq has any real reason to be upset. This is a big problem to the OP, and I can understand why she is upset, family arguments no matter how trivial the thing that started them can tear families apart and ruin lives. I've seen it, I've experienced it and it often can be a big deal.

Oh and btw I sincerely hope you come back home safe, sound and soon.

Yes and maybe he should be spending this precious time with his family, I'm sure his wife must have her work cut out with her looking after a 1 and 2 year old. Other people's problems may seem trivial compared to your own, but perhaps you should ask the OP's parents why they are putting the feelings of a tradesman above their own family. I'ev read the whole thread and it is evident that the OP has tried her hardest to sort this situation out but her parents are not willing to budge an inch.

jussyc

Errata wrote: »

What Ivrytwr suggested was perspective, not trivialisation. And by the way, he's fighting for ALL of us, whether we like it or not - WE don't have a choice.
When things happen, it's not the things themselves that we find difficult to cope with, it's our feelings about them. Clearly the OP, her OH, the rellies and the builders feelings are running strongly just now, that's their choice - the tiles are merely the trigger. I could now sit down with a nice cuppa and rant and shout at my cancer, which won't make a scrap of difference. Or I can relax and ignore it for the rest of the day.

sorry to hear about your cancer and wish you all the very best with your treatment, xxxxxx and you are right it is the feeling that are hard to cope with as its not just about the tiles its about many things , and mostly the great feeling i have that they are dissapointed with me and their constant disapproval with the way i run my life
i could understand it if we spent all our money on drugs, neglected the kids , beat each other up , had affairs etc etc.. but in fact we are very boring, just do normal jobs and stay in with the kids and are happy with that, they see this as not having a work ethic as we dont have what they do ie large house , 2 expensive cars,expensive caravan,several foreign holidays etc etc.. but forget that when they went bust about 10 years ago me an OH and sister gave them some major help in one way and another and yes they worked very hard to get where they are now ,but we never throw that in their face, and now they seem to forget what its like to struggle and think there is a sinister motive to where our money goes
my hubby brings home £180 a week and i bring home part time wage of £120 week which isnt loads and we have credit problems that we are still repaying from when hubby was made redundant when i was on maternity leave , so theres no sinister problem we just dont earn much and have large outgoings ..but we get on with it
this is trivial as i have said numerous times and i really hope i havent offended anyone with much bigger problems and i think if i hasnt always been so close and eager to please parents then this wouldnt hurt so much , but as i said in original post its making me very sad and i cant help how i feel
my little girl is already really worried about holiday and mentions it constantly even though im trying to hide it all from her but it breaks my heart to see her ask as i cant see i happy outcome as this time and dont know what to do...

rosieben

This isnt trivial to you and please dont apologise for being upset about your situation.

We are all coping with problems of our own, but god forbid that should mean we cant listen with a sympathetic ear or offer a little support to someone who shares their problems on this forum. People who think your problem is trivial can ignore this thread if they choose, no one is forced to read or respond.

I really hope you can resolve these issues, but I think you have already pointed to the greater one, which is their attitude towards you and the partner you chose and the lifestyle you lead. Dont know quite what the answer is unless you are able to talk to them without getting emotional which I doubt at the moment.

There may not be time for things to calm down enough before the holiday, and children will be disappointed if they dont go, but they will get over it and maybe you can do some fun things together as a family that dont cost too much. The most important thing you can give your kids is not a fancy holiday, but your time!

jussyc

thanks rosbien you are :A and have spent lots of your time following this thread
this is the 1st time ive posted with my problem and i found it really hard at first but now and glad i did as everyones support and perspective on this has been a real help to make me sort a few things in my head
and that for once everthing isnt my fault
im always the joker and laugh things off so its so out of character for me to spend my day crying and crying so yes for me its a major thing and i feel really broken hearted about the whole situation...how i wish i could go back in time to my old yellow bathroom with a big hole in ceiling, but getting really excited to be going with all the people i love on holiday for the first time in over 2 years.........seems like years ago now but i would wish it back in a second
thanks once again for everyones support you are all:A :A :A

1_step_closer

Hello

I have been reading this with interest and I think this may be the last straw as far as the OP feels? I too, have my parents who have (in our case) lent us money, and god we knew about it - and DH's parents also paid for a new bathroom! Now don't get me wrong - we appreciate the gesture and are thankful for it but although I was asked what I wanted/would like - it didn't happen. And comments were made about things, which I won't go into as I was quite upset but the upshot is I hate the wretched thing and know we will be "paying" for years!!!!!

I can empathise with the posters about Irag and the cancer - but sometimes when we have a portion of control over something, it can eat away at us. When we cannot control something that is when we get on with it. So please be a little sensitive to the OP - they are just as worried over their childrens' holiday as they are over a builder who has messed up and won't admit it.

Good luck

jussyc

1_step_closer wrote: »

Hello

I have been reading this with interest and I think this may be the last straw as far as the OP feels? I too, have my parents who have (in our case) lent us money, and god we knew about it - and DH's parents also paid for a new bathroom! Now don't get me wrong - we appreciate the gesture and are thankful for it but although I was asked what I wanted/would like - it didn't happen. And comments were made about things, which I won't go into as I was quite upset but the upshot is I hate the wretched thing and know we will be "paying" for years!!!!!

I can empathise with the posters about Irag and the cancer - but sometimes when we have a portion of control over something, it can eat away at us. When we cannot control something that is when we get on with it. So please be a little sensitive to the OP - they are just as worried over their childrens' holiday as they are over a builder who has messed up and won't admit it.

Good luck

gosh that is so right you have really hit the nail on the head with so may of your comments and youre right as i hate the wretched thing now too, i will start to smell soon as i hate going in there, plus my little girl slipped in there tonight and banged her head really hard on the bath!!!its evil i feel like ripping it out with my bare hands myself !
plus yes i am so so worriedand heartbroken ,panic striken for kids re holiday and well as being hurt,annoyed ,disappointed ,devastated by parents comments and opionions, and furious ,and so so angry with the builder for his mad workmanship and playing us off against each other so theres so many emotions going about at the minute

1_step_closer

Sometimes it takes something like this to bring things to a head.

I think the only thing you can do if your parents are being so touchy about this, is to actually email them pictures of your bathroom so they can see what the problems are. I would suggest that they take your children on holiday as the upset is between the adults not the children. and then work out with hubby how you can resolve the bathroom yourselves. If this was my situation, and we are all different, needs must etc, I wouldn't accept any more money from them and when asked, explain the interest payments in emotion and their control are too high.

It has been said many a time - mend and make do, but obviously put your childrens' safety first! Is your daughter ok now?

You take care xx