family arguments! dont know what to do?its making me so sad

jussyc

i know this may sound silly with some of the problem people have on here but this is the first time i have asked for help but its making me so fed up and sad its unbelivable

a huge family row has broken out to cut a very long story short my parents have 'treated' us to a new bathroom
basically the other work the builder they appointed has done an ok job apart from the tiling in the shower is dire..so bad evryone laughing at it we complained to the builder who said well youre not the customer so im not doing anything until you ask me nicely,my husband took huge offence and my mum stormed round and had a right go at my husband and said we were ungrateful and had upset her builder
the tiling is so bad the builders own plasterers said our 3 year old could have done a better job,, mum says shes not paying for it to be redone, our view is she shouldnt have to pay for it if its so wrong , it really is awful
well the next day the flooring man was there and was laughing at the tiling with my husband when the builder shows up unbeknown to them and heard them and threated to hit my husband for saying his job was bad and walked of the job ,
my parents have taken huge offence and said some terrible things to us and sided with the builder and told him not to bother coming back now , but they are going to pay him for what hes done minus the tiling!!
we owe him for the plastering but if we pay him for that we cant get the other jobs finished that he has left, ive had a massive fall out with my parents and spent the lasrt 2 hours crying , my husband says hes never speaking to my parents again and them likewise, i feel so in the middle but know that OH is right the tiling is awful , the bad thing is we are all going on a family holiday in a villa in 3 weeks and the kids are really looking forward to going, but i cant see how this can be resolved
our holidays ruined and we our left with an unfinished bathroom , i cant stop crying and feel so sad and fed up, just dont know what to do......

Polotoo

Have your parents seen the tiling? Can they not see what the problems are? Try and talk calmly to them, at the end of the day its not worth falling out over.

I don't know what to say, but sending big hugs...

Try and have a good nights sleep, I'm sure things will look better in the morning. Keep us posted as it helps to write it down and not bottle it up.

BIG HUGS

jussyc

thats one of the worse things is that mum hasnt even seen the tiling, dad has said to the builder that hes paying for the job hes done so far , but not the tiling,(which to me he knows we are right but wont admit it)

but we are in the wrong as we have 'picked ' on the builder they have know for 2 years and they feel sorry for him, my parents do NOT feel sorry for anyone , they are not a little old frail couple thay are succesful business people and very young for their age, they are just blaming my OH , saying that he has been an arrogant ba***** , and said we would have nothing is it wasnt for them , as they are succesful and we both have low paid jobs and my husband doesnt work hard enough for us to have anything decent (hes a postman and im a healthcare at hospital)we really struggle financially but both now love our jobs
my hubby says he cant forgive them for what theyve said about him and cant go on holiday with them,as they are paying for that also, im stuck in the middle as they are great to us with money(even though we never ask)plus the kids (6&4)heard him say this and are so upset,
he says for us to go without him, but none of it will be the same and i think hes saying this now but really wouldnt be happy if we went without him, plus i just wanted us to all have a great time, its so awful im just dont know whats gonna happen

back2square1

I think your OH and your family have both got to listen to you. You are piggy in the middle.

I would strongly suggest that the tiling issue is resolved by you speaking to your parents alone. Invite them round, apologise if they feel their money paid for a new bathroom was not appreciated and tell them it is very much appreciated and that you were concerned about them paying for something that was not up to standard and did not like the thought of them being ripped off. Take yourself and your OH out of the equation. Your parents have employed a builder to install a new bathroom. Make it clear to your parents that this is nothing about you not liking your new bathroom, not liking the builder it was about your parents being ripped off.

Do not mention your OH and the altercations between him and the builder because the problem here is dodgy tiling and this is what you need to be rectified and this is what you need your parents to understand.

With regards to the upcoming holiday with your parents, your OH needs to appreciate your position. He wanted to go on holiday last week prior to the dodgy tiling and builder problem so he cannot say that he has a problem with your parents paying because he never had the problem a week ago.

This is a family holiday which by the sounds of it you could need right now, and most importantly your children need too. Your OH will have to go because you are the mother of his children and this holiday is about you and them not just him.

Don't make yourself the peacemaker between your OH and your parents, they are all adults and they should resolve this situation themselves without involving you.

Deals_2

well i totally understand your position and it is a very hard but i have been through a very similar situation myself.
my mum is on her own and i have realised over the years (i am now 40 with a young child) that she gets jealous of me having a partner for a start (i do not discuss it). Also my partner has not earned loads of money and it is true that i find that it puts pressure on our relationship. BUT this is an issue between my partner and I. She recently helped us to purchase a house abroad . i did not ask for the extra money as i could reborrow on my house anyway but she insisted i have some of her inheritance money (she more or less blackmailed me to have it!!!). my partner said she was hoping she would move in with us. seeing as the house and land is quite big a section of it for her would not have bothered me. BUT every time she was coming round she started bossing us around. saying we should do this this way etc. Anyway i told her it would not work and we had to find another alternative.
anyway now she has decided she wants her money back and putting me under pressure to sell within 6 months!!
I do not spend time with her anymore and was going to live abroad permanently but now have changed my mind as i am finding it stressful and i think eventually my partner and i woudl have separated from the stress of it all.
so after my experience i would not go on holiday with the parents (can you get your money back and postpone till things have calmed down with them???) believe it or not a lot of these things happen.
in my mum's case i think she is also bitter from a divorce that has been dragging on for 8 years.
if you need to talk more please do not hesitate to drop me a line..i know of at least another person in the same boat as myself!!!
Oh and by the way my partner is a builder so this other builder sounds a real !!!!. he is trying to cause a wedge between you and the family. this is often a sales tactic (devious of some sales people) to create wedges between families/friends as this enables them to be paid. i have seen this time and time again.
i think you and your husband and kids deserve a nice relaxing holiday on your own. and when parents are ready to be adults then you can all discuss it. as long as everything was said in a nice way to the parents you should not worry about anything.

jussyc

thanks for all your comments, made me cry again but in a nice way as its so nice of people to give time to my problem, i have taken on board your comments and thanks
just afraid now that the wedge between parents and oh has become too big, and gap between now and hols too small, i feel sorry for kids
i just wish i could magic my horrid old yellow bathroom back now!
its so hard trying to please everyone, and i think part of the problem is ive always felt ive never been able to , please parents nothing ever good enough
like you all say at the end of the day the builder is in the wrong here, even his own work men have admitted it
oh well off to work , and see what dramas unfold when i get home, i dread walking thru the door
other option sell my car and go and live on a kibutz in africa away from the lot of them!!!with kids of course, they would love it!
oh well my usual sick sense of humour showing thru now so must be getting there
thanks again and big hugs to evryone for their support, i have never written my problems down before and you are right it does help

poe.tuesday

I think you need to tell your parents how greatful you are for the present however the issue with the tiling was not that you were being ungreatful, you were protecting them and ensureing taht the money theyw ere spending on you was protected, ensuring that they got what they paid for

If they still don't take on board what you have said, tell them how you fell, that you are upset that they have sided with the builder over their own child especailly when they have not even see the issue that you were protecting them over, if they still put the wall up ask them if it's their intention to drive a wedge between you over bloody tiling

ceebeeby

Again, I'd definitely speak to your parents and make sure they know how grateful you are for the bathroom.

I WOULD bring up the situation with the bad feelings as its the only way to ever get it sorted, explaining that nothing personal was ever said against them, but they did start saying personal things about your husband etc.

If you can't get it sorted then I wouldn't go on the holiday personally (I would be too uncomfortable and would worry about how my OH would feel) but I would let the children go as its their grandchildren ...

Let us know how you get on

Deals_2

good way of wording it of protecting their investment. i will use this term in the future. thanks for the tip! sometimes just wont listen. i dont know if they feel they cannot handle what their offspring is saying or being stubborn or they have issues of their own that they cannot deal with any of this.

poe.tuesday wrote: »

I think you need to tell your parents how greatful you are for the present however the issue with the tiling was not that you were being ungreatful, you were protecting them and ensureing taht the money theyw ere spending on you was protected, ensuring that they got what they paid for

If they still don't take on board what you have said, tell them how you fell, that you are upset that they have sided with the builder over their own child especailly when they have not even see the issue that you were protecting them over, if they still put the wall up ask them if it's their intention to drive a wedge between you over bloody tiling

Deals_2

what about calling her up. i supppose we have pride sometimes and this is often what stops us but also i know when we get upset with someone we try to protect ourselves by distancing ourselves.

arabiandesert wrote: »

11 years ago i fell out with my sister over something stupid and we havent spoken since. life is to short really so perhaps think about smoothing things over. i miss my sister but we're both to stubborn to make the first move. neither of us has seen each others children

Deals_2

me i would just have a holiday with hubbie and kids but maybe try and say about the fact you are only trying to protect their investment. maybe he does brilliant work in other ways but this particular job did not work out too well and that's it.

jussyc wrote: »

thanks for all your comments, made me cry again but in a nice way as its so nice of people to give time to my problem, i have taken on board your comments and thanks
just afraid now that the wedge between parents and oh has become too big, and gap between now and hols too small, i feel sorry for kids
i just wish i could magic my horrid old yellow bathroom back now!
its so hard trying to please everyone, and i think part of the problem is ive always felt ive never been able to , please parents nothing ever good enough
like you all say at the end of the day the builder is in the wrong here, even his own work men have admitted it
oh well off to work , and see what dramas unfold when i get home, i dread walking thru the door
other option sell my car and go and live on a kibutz in africa away from the lot of them!!!with kids of course, they would love it!
oh well my usual sick sense of humour showing thru now so must be getting there
thanks again and big hugs to evryone for their support, i have never written my problems down before and you are right it does help