Stepson won't wash thread....update.....

victory

Joons wrote: »

Upset? Erm, no, she's a very intelligent young woman, my best friend as well as my daughter. She's advised me to do what I am now doing and has been for some time, as she says, you cannot change people and whether folk on here like it or not, if I want a relationship with my partner then I have to butt out of him raising his son. We agreed prior to them moving in with me that I would `stay out` of the parenting side of things and let him do it his way so I've kinda went back on what I actually agreed with him in the first place.

I don't get this at all, if you have been in a relationship for 11 years, the lad was little when you first met, they came as a package, surely you have had some input into the way he has been raised?

I know you keep saying to stay in the relationship you have to stay out of it, you have to do as your told and have no opinion on the way he deals with his son, where are 'your balls'?

Ordered around, controlled, bullied into obeying, you will do as you are told, all spring to mind, for a chance to stay in a relationship that is not equal, your opinion is not valued, it is not an all encompasing partnership, why would you want to save it?

Robin_TBW

Joons wrote: »

Sorry I didn't know how to get the original thread up near the top

Submit a post on the old one and it magically appears near the top with all of the other threads that have had a new post :whistle:

Mojisola

Joons wrote: »

I am not doing as I am told, I am allowing my b/f to raise his son as he sees fit, I don't agree with his parenting, that's really my problem, not his. I am definitely not ordered about, if you spoke to my family and friends they would tell you I have the biggest balls they've ever seen so please don't paint me as a person I am not.

A bit of background, we all lived together when stepson arrived (from another country), he could not speak the language, he went to school, I tried and tried to help him, spending evenings with him when I would rather have been relaxing after a hard day's work - fast forward 2.5 years later, I'm at breaking point trying to get his son to behave and trying to get b/f to agree with my ways - result being they both moved into a rented flat and have been staying there since they recently moved in with me - now, can you see why the me getting involved is not a good idea?

With that experience, I wouldn't have let them come to live in my home.

trevorsminted

I am assuming there are different cultures involed ie. the stepson could not speak English? and if previous to moving into your flat they lived in a flat elsewhere together then your bf must have accepted the sons lack of personal hygiene?, fair enough you are a strong person and its your decision to say no more on the matter but surely you can see that is you giving in for a quiet life, you do actually think its your decision but at the end of the day you have been manipulated into saying nothing, you have actually been ground down but still you will think you made the choice to accept nothing will change just like a battered wife "Oh its only once a month when he has been drinking" the classic he is a good man most of the time, just in your instance is, "I get on really well with the stepson spending nights with him" face it they have ganged up on you so you have to put up and shut up!

trevorsminted

I guess its a compromise you have to accept to be with your bf, maybe bf protective and taking stepsons side but if he is 17 now with a bit of luck he will get some self respect and a job in the future. It must be hard you going to work and seeing him waste his pathetic smelly life. Good luck 6 years is a long time i just hope your bf is cleaner than his son.

Amanda65

Joons wrote: »

No, I am not giving in for a quiet life, I am accepting I cannot change two people and in trying to do so for the last 6 years, I have been grounding down myself in trying to achieve it. I am giving in to myself now, allowing myself to not be bothered anymore about a person(s) who clearly does not want my help.

Which is fine a your perogative Joons but it obviously bothered you enough to feel the need to seek the opinions of others so I do hope that it doesn't grind you down again in a few weeks or months.

A few posts back I asked if your stepson could be depressed (not many friends, stays in all day, no social life, lack of interest in personal hygiene)? and wondered if this was the root cause. Do you think this is a possibility?

Joons

Amanda65 wrote: »

Which is fine a your perogative Joons but it obviously bothered you enough to feel the need to seek the opinions of others so I do hope that it doesn't grind you down again in a few weeks or months.

A few posts back I asked if your stepson could be depressed (not many friends, stays in all day, no social life, lack of interest in personal hygiene)? and wondered if this was the root cause. Do you think this is a possibility?

Yes I really hope I am not back at square one soon but I have to give this a go, it may end up them moving out afterall but we will see.

I really don't know what to think anymore, perhaps he is but tbh I've had it, I'm keeping well out of it now.

Lucy_Lastic

Do you do all the washing for the 3 of you?
His stuff must be pretty smelly.
If you are not going into his bedroom, will his sheets ever get changed?

Joons

Lucy_Lastic wrote: »

Do you do all the washing for the 3 of you?
His stuff must be pretty smelly.
If you are not going into his bedroom, will his sheets ever get changed?

Funnily enough his clothes don't smell that bad, either does he, I don't think it's been long enough yet!

B/f brings all his washing to machine, including bedding.

Dunroamin

19lottie82 wrote: »

Becasue you can leave school @ 16?

Legally yes, but it's not very sensible to drop out this young and for no reason.

ETA

If the son (and his father?) are from a different country, does he realise that further education in the UK is only free until the age of 19 and it's far more difficult to return after that?

I can just about understand his father letting the son get on with the unwashed thing but I don't understand why he's letting him hang round doing nothing rather than being in education, employment or training. Does he have a rationale for this?