Stepson won't wash thread....update.....

Joons

Lara44 wrote: »

Like lottie, I think he must have pretty low self esteem if he isn't even motivated to wash. The quickest way to decrease motivation is by nagging. Instead I would try paying your SS loads of attention, and encourage your BF to do the same. Spend time doing things together. Try to build his confidence up little by little.

It must feel like your SS and BF are being very disrespectful to you. But I think you should try reverse psychology and see what happens. What have you got to lose? At the very least it will detract your attention from the washing issue and back onto the boy you obviously care about.

It's not easy to be a teenager, to go out into the world and find a place, especially in these troubled times. Good luck!

I haven't once nagged stepson, his dad spoke to him about personal hygiene and I followed that up with a quick chat, that has been it so there is no way he feels nagged. I've also said to b/f that he needs to spend some time with his son bonding, he chooses not to, and again, I really don't feel I have to step in and be the parent when this lad has two, albeit they are not very good at it but again, why does this then fall on my shoulders to sort out???

TheConways

bangersnmash wrote: »

I dealt with this in some detail in posts #141 and #152 on the other thread which you can get to easily via the links that I've provided in post #23 above on this thread.

If you've got the time and interest perhaps have a read of them and then if there's some more to say about it then let's do so more, if you like.

I read your links. You clearly believe that you can wear clothes for 2-3 weeks and not smell; I know this isn't true because my bedclothes start to smell by the end of the week if I haven't changed them! My husband has quite a whiff if he comes back from the gym/rugby etc and hasn't showered.

Completely agree with you regarding the obnoxious smell of excessive chemicals, but that's not the discussion here. I think the OP is perfectly reasonable to expect her stepson to act like a functioning member of the household.

OP - does he contribute to bills? I would also have negotiated this upfront. If he's working, he should be contributing, and if he's not working, he should be either studying or looking for a job pronto!

Mojisola

Joons wrote: »

I haven't once nagged stepson, his dad spoke to him about personal hygiene and I followed that up with a quick chat, that has been it so there is no way he feels nagged. I've also said to b/f that he needs to spend some time with his son bonding, he chooses not to, and again, I really don't feel I have to step in and be the parent when this lad has two, albeit they are not very good at it but again, why does this then fall on my shoulders to sort out???

Because he's living in your house and it's really annoying you!

Joons

TheConways wrote: »

I read your links. You clearly believe that you can wear clothes for 2-3 weeks and not smell; I know this isn't true because my bedclothes start to smell by the end of the week if I haven't changed them! My husband has quite a whiff if he comes back from the gym/rugby etc and hasn't showered.

Completely agree with you regarding the obnoxious smell of excessive chemicals, but that's not the discussion here. I think the OP is perfectly reasonable to expect her stepson to act like a functioning member of the household.

OP - does he contribute to bills? I would also have negotiated this upfront. If he's working, he should be contributing, and if he's not working, he should be either studying or looking for a job pronto!

No he does not contribute to bills, he gets paid apparently £55 a week for his work placement but as I have said, I'm not entirely sure he is still doing this as he appears to be in the flat 24hrs a day. It's hard when my b/f is happy to watch his son holed up in his room all day and night and has very little interaction with him, this really is probably the whole point of this non washing thread........so I have to also now try and get my b/f to suddenly become a parent - doubtful I can help the situation and without sounding uncaring, I'm not really up for stepping in and trying to parent, esp after he's had years of two parents not really giving a toss about him.

Newly_retired

[QUOTE

OP - does he contribute to bills? I would also have negotiated this upfront. If he's working, he should be contributing, and if he's not working, he should be either studying or looking for a job pronto![/QUOTE]

This is what I have been wondering.
If he is on JSA he should be applying for jobs, going to the Job Centre, library etc.
He will be getting around £50 per week, I reckon. What is happening to that money? I trust he is contributing to the household expenses.
His room is not a hotel room. He is part of your family, whatever term you use for him. Not an easy scenario for you I know from experience. But if your BF won't sort him out, then as the owner/tenant of the flat you have the right to do so.
As you have parented your daughter so successfully, I am sure you can manage this situation: give yourself the go-ahead to do so!

Newly_retired

Cross posted.
So he has £55 per week and not contributing?
This is something you have every right to sort out.
And if he is not attending work placements or whatever JC+ have sent him on, his benefit will be sanctioned and he will lose money.

Joons

Mojisola wrote: »

Because he's living in your house and it's really annoying you!

The non washing I can happily sort out, I left it to my b/f as I thought it was up to him and his son to talk and sort and didn't really feel comfortable having that kind of chat with a 17 year old male teenager. As for the spending time, finding out what's going on in his head etc, sorry but I'm not up for this, I do not want to be his parent, I'm a friend, and that is it, I think there's issues going on there dating back years, he came from another country cos his own mother couldn't be bothered to look after him properly so probably being at mine is a whole new ball game, ie, you have to wash, you have to clean your room, you have to start standing on your own two feet and look for a job and contribute to the household - probably all too much for the kid and not the kid's fault either. Basically it's my b/f that is causing me this grief! I have to work out if he's worth it.

**Patty**

I don't think it's the child that's your problem.

I think it's your OH.

He's quite happy to abdicate responsibility & you don't want to either step-up OR force him to do so.

That's not really a healthy equal partnership IMO.

Mojisola

Joons wrote: »

so I have to also now try and get my b/f to suddenly become a parent - doubtful I can help the situation and without sounding uncaring, I'm not really up for stepping in and trying to parent, esp after he's had years of two parents not really giving a toss about him.

You don't have to become a parent. In fact, it's probably better if you don't get caught up into a parent role because that will let him retreat into the child role when interacting with you.

You're an adult - he's a young adult living in your house. If he was a lodger, would you put up with him stinking your room out and using your electricity all day without contributing anything?

I would be questioning your partner's attitude. He knows how much this is bothering you but doesn't respect you or your house enough to sort his son out.

Joons

Newly_retired wrote: »

[QUOTE

OP - does he contribute to bills? I would also have negotiated this upfront. If he's working, he should be contributing, and if he's not working, he should be either studying or looking for a job pronto!

This is what I have been wondering.
If he is on JSA he should be applying for jobs, going to the Job Centre, library etc.
He will be getting around £50 per week, I reckon. What is happening to that money? I trust he is contributing to the household expenses.
His room is not a hotel room. He is part of your family, whatever term you use for him. Not an easy scenario for you I know from experience. But if your BF won't sort him out, then as the owner/tenant of the flat you have the right to do so.
As you have parented your daughter so successfully, I am sure you can manage this situation: give yourself the go-ahead to do so![/QUOTE]

Oh thank you, he does a work placement apparently and gets paid £55 a week, my b/f takes no money off him, in fact, I think he gives him around £20 a week also. I don't ask about this as my b/f gives me enough money to cover the cost of the two of them staying.