Stepson won't wash thread....update.....

Joons

Sorry I didn't know how to get the original thread up near the top so I've started a new one: For those of you in the know:

Well surprise surprise, he's back to non showering, we had a word, he agreed to take showers, that lasted 2 weeks and now we're back at square one, I actually heard his dad say to him to go take a shower, it didn't happen. Problem is my b/f is not getting on his case so it's allowed to go back to the way things were - him not washing. He's in the flat when I leave for work at 9am and there when I return, usually in his dressing gown - I've also now got his TV blaring out at 2,3, 4 in the morning - whilst he's asleep! I really don't know what else to say to either of them now - it's starting to feel like I'm being completely ignored! :mad:

Horseunderwater

Perhaps you need to really think this through. Do you want to spend your forever years with the father of this man - do you love him enough or not. It sounds like you do not. Why is the step son at home in a DG all day? Surely if he is that old he should be out and looking for work?

j.e.j.

Oh dear. If it's your and your BF's flat both of you need to agree on some house rules, I think. One of which should be to that your step son needs to at least have a wash every day, and switch the tv off/wear headphones after a certain time at night. Try and talk to your other half again.

It's a shame if he's sitting around doing not-a-lot each day, and not even bothering to get dressed. That can't be good for him, day in day out. Doing nothing is ok for a day or two, but not on a long-term basis.

Blackpool_Saver

It's not right at all but a lot of these kids lounge around all day, they are not like us. BUT the washing thing is not acceptable, is he untidy also, how is his speech? does he seem dopey? I am wondering if he is on the weed to be honest, if not maybe he is depressed, yeah I know BUT does he feel unwanted?
my son's tv and xbox playing wakes me in the night, this is not uncommon

londonsurrey

I think the problem is the lack of clear demarcation of responsibility.

You have a "hands off" policy with the boy, it's agreed that your bf is responsible for discipline.

The agreement between you and bf is that the boy needs to wash.

The boy is not washing.
If your bf is responsible for him, then it's the bf's fault,
so it's your bf who has to make a decision and deliver the results.

Your bf can decide to get him washed, by hook or by crook, or chuck him out, or move them both out.
At the moment, your bf is just saying "Yeah, he's my responsibility, and I tried a bit. But it's not working, so just live with it, because I don't see through on delivering on something that's my responsibility if it's not easy" (be it getting the boy to wash, or bringing him up right).

claire16c

I agree with londonsurrey.

I also would be willing to bet he still hasnt seen a dentist since your last post, I dread to think of the state of his teeth and breath if hes still not brushing them let alone his body.

How can he turn up stinking to a work placement and get away with it?

suze200

Missed the 1st thread. how old is this DS

tyllwyd

I think your bf is putting you in an impossible situation - if it was him that was sitting around in his dressing gown all day, not washing, and leaving the tv on all night, would you be happy with that? He and his son have moved into your house as one household, and if they (collectively) are making you unhappy, then IMHO you should make that very clear sooner rather than later. I think you said the son was about 17 - are there any plans for him to move out when he is 18? If not, I can't see the situation changing for years - are you willing to put up with it if he is still there in 10 years time? If you want them to move out, now is the time to say so, not in a few years time when they are settled and regard the flat as their home.

19lottie82

suze200 wrote: »

Missed the 1st thread. how old is this DS

19 (i think)

bangersnmash

Joons wrote: »

It's my flat and I thought we had agreed house rules but my rules seem to be getting ignored! We've both explained to him about pesonal hygiene etc over and over again, he does it for so long then stops. I don't think it's good for him to be in the flat so much and not dressed or washed either - my b/f doesn't seem to see this! I never let my daughter slob about, she was told to get out and work and she did so why should I put up with this or, as he's not mine, should I be ignoring it all?

My bold above.

Yes, just ignore it. As I pointed out on your other thread about this, you can't actually smell him or his clothes so it doesn't matter at all. It's all in your mind.

You're just needlessly redundantly frustrating yourself, to no purpose. So you should fill your mind with something else, something productive and pleasureable to you. There's no point banging your head against the wall in the manner that you're doing. Move on to greener pastures and stop worrying yourself unnecessarily. Negatively, naggertively!

Blimey, what a nag you are. Trying to expiate your personal frustration on this target that you've got cornered. You wouldn't have lasted five minutes with me with that kind of attitude, whether I was in your flat or not. I would have put a stop to that kind of nastiness with a firm hand when I was his age. Oh yes! Yes, indeedy! I never allowed anyone to oppress and attack me in that manner. Nope, not allowed.

Stop harassing the poor kid, leave him alone, from what you've described he's got plenty enough on his plate already to try to cope with, having to be him, without you trying to make his life a misery on top of it all. That's pretty much a form of bullying what you're doing. Not good. There's no future in that, all you're doing is making yourself objectionable, gratuitously. You're needlessly irritating yourself so take a deep breath, put it to one side, put it behind you and move on to some positivity. Really, it's time to leave this nonsense behind and go forwards...

Etc.

So...

Joons

londonsurrey wrote: »

I think the problem is the lack of clear demarcation of responsibility.

You have a "hands off" policy with the boy, it's agreed that your bf is responsible for discipline.

The agreement between you and bf is that the boy needs to wash.

The boy is not washing.
If your bf is responsible for him, then it's the bf's fault,
so it's your bf who has to make a decision and deliver the results.

Your bf can decide to get him washed, by hook or by crook, or chuck him out, or move them both out.
At the moment, your bf is just saying "Yeah, he's my responsibility, and I tried a bit. But it's not working, so just live with it, because I don't see through on delivering on something that's my responsibility if it's not easy" (be it getting the boy to wash, or bringing him up right).

Couldn't have put it better myself - but, how do I resolve this so everyone is happy?