Stepson won't wash thread....update.....

londonsurrey

Joons wrote: »

Couldn't have put it better myself - but, how do I resolve this so everyone is happy?

At the moment, you are living in hope that your bf will put things right, the way he promised.

The problem is that he's not actually delivering on the promise.

Your options are:

1 - Continue to live in hope, and you will probably find yourself back on this board, posting about the very unwashed 20 year old in your flat, with your bf nodding and vaguely promising to do summat about it.

2 - Manage your expectations - as opposed to living in hope and feeling let down over and over again, see your bf as he really is - someone who wants a quiet life on this score, so he will kinda give it a half hearted go every now and again, when you've stewed about it for a few weeks to nag him enough.

For your own sanity, recognise that this is the pattern that has gone on since they moved in, and this is probably as good as it gets. Even if this washing ever gets done, they're slack enough personalities for another issue to continue in the same vein - when the son continues to permanent not have a proper job, when he is a half hearted dad himself, and the stressed gf and baby appear, etc, some other "issue", but with the same "we can't be that bothered" background attitude.

I'm not saying they're bad people - the plus side is that you get to "win" on a lot of points precisely because they're not that bothered! (as long as they don't have to do much, you will get your way).

If your bf was that bothered, he'd be on the boy's case about washing every day, not leaving you to notice and stew that he's still unwashed.


3 - Bigger steps would involve the agreement that you get to harass the boy, etc, basically rethinking the dynamics and responsibilities within the relationship in various ways. This is the only way to actually change anything, because the way things are at the moment, your hands are tied - you can't do anything bar nagging your bf and getting placated for a little while until you realise nothing has changed, yet again.

bangersnmash

splishsplash wrote: »

OP's boyfriend's son is 17.

OP, you are not actually a stepmum - why do you refer to this boy as your stepson and yourself as a stepmum on several threads? You are his father's girlfriend. Your boyfriend moved in with you and dragged this poor kid with him. The boy sounds profoundly depressed, tbh, and you sound like a nightmare. I feel really sorry for him .

I think "stepson" and "stepmum" are nice, they're friendly and caring, I don't see anything untoward or inappropriate about them.

But. I agree re the nightmare comment.

victory wrote: »

I wouldn't have put it quite like bangersnmash but pretty much like it, rings true, harsh but true:D

Thanks. I don't think what I said is harsh, just to the point. Being clear and concise. That was toning it down from how I'd say that in real life, face to face. Oh yes!

Joons wrote: »

Great words there although I don't think I am a nasty person. All this is telling me is to basically shut up and put up, not really in my persona. Thanks for the insulting comments towards me, I doubt you would last five minutes with me either. And actually yes, there is now a smell coming from his room and no, I am not imagining it!

So, I give in, put a nose peg on in my own house and he continues to live a life of slobbery - oh yeah, sure I am going to accept that.

Yes, fundamentally you're a good sort and a nice person and kind and caring and all that. That comes through here, sure.

But what you're doing to that kid is gratuitously negative. It would be better if you cleared your mind of your negativity and concentrated on something else.

When and why are you going near enough to his room to smell it? If you notice it in passing as you walk about through your flat to get from one room to another then just bear in mind that everyone's houses and rooms - and possessions and clothes - smell a bit of this and that, that's normal and everpresent. It's no big deal. It's not pungent or overwhelming or vile or toxic or poisonous or diseased or unusual, is it. It's normal. Isn't it.

As I say, I think you should calm down and forget about this, you're not going to achieve anything focusing on it and winding yourself up in this manner. It's not good for the kid to oppress him like that, he needs help and support and sympathy and positivity, not non productive nagging, that doesn't go anywhere, except down the drain.

19lottie82

bangersnmash wrote: »

But what you're doing to that kid is gratuitously negative.

Trying to get someone to wash is negative behaviour?

To me, negative, is not having enough self worth in yourself, or consideration for others to have a shower a couple of times a week, or brush your teeth.

Do you think anyone will give this boy a job, so he can better himself, financially, sociably or personally, unless he does that?
I certainly don't.

Calien27

Has he started showing any interest in girls? If there's one thing that can make a teenage boy practically bathe in aftershave, it's trying to impress a girl

Other than the non washing, how are other things at home? does he tend to keep to himself? does he have any motivation to do other things (see friends, go out etc)?

Being smiley and happy doesn't necessarily mean he couldn't be a little depressed, of course he could just be lazy.

bangersnmash

19lottie82 wrote: »

Trying to get someone to wash is negative behaviour?

When it's unnecessary and inappropriate, as in this example, yes, of course. It's gratuitous.

Harassing the kid against his will in this manner is unpleasant and uncalled for. It's not achieving anything, he's not going to do what you want. So drop it. Don't just bang your head against the wall, that's no use to yourself or him or your partner, that's redundant waste of nervous energy, pointing yourself in the wrong direction.

Be realistic, stop trying to make an issue out of nothing. It doesn't matter and it doesn't affect you so stop indulging your imagination for no reason or purpose. Clear your mind of that silliness and think of positive stuff instead. For sure.

19lottie82 wrote: »

To me, negative, is not having enough self worth in yourself, or consideration for others to have a shower a couple of times a week, or brush your teeth.

Do you think anyone will give this boy a job, so he can better himself, financially, sociably or personally, unless he does that?
I certainly don't.

No, not washing doesn't have any effect on getting a job as long as the clothes are changed every week or two or three and therefore don't stink. As I explain at length in my posts on the other thread, which I've provided links to above.

19lottie82

bangersnmash wrote: »

No, not washing doesn't have any effect on getting a job as long as the clothes are changed every week or two or three and therefore don't stink. As I explain at length in my posts on the other thread, which I've provided links to above.

I don't agree with this. I have lived in various houseshares in my life, and in my experience, it isn't the case that you can only wash your clothes once a fortnight and not smell. what about if you sweat, and don't wash it off afterwards?

Do you know how much someone sweats at night?

Also, what about not brusing his teeth? I'm sure the OP said her DSS didn't do that.

System

I think dad should be tackling this, not me! I've done my bit as a mum, my daughter is now 27 and I don't want to now try to parent someone else's.

Yes his Dad should be tackling it and not you but he's not is he? Personally, i couldnt live with someone who doesnt wash or smells. I think i'd have to tackle the issue myself.

bangersnmash

Joons wrote: »

Fair do's, I get your points but it's almost like I am the one who has to change - why exactly? Am I really putting demands on a 17 year old that are beyond expectations?

You insinuate that I am in some way bullying him, I have asked him nicely and explained to him about personal hygiene, not once have I made him feel bad or spoke in a derogatory way, I could pretty much swear that he likes me quite a lot, always seems to want to talk to me etc, so not the actions of a kid that feels picked on I'm sure, I'm not the kind of person to pick on anyone. You say he needs support, sympathy and positivity - that's exactly what I have tried to do - all to no avail. You really need to know your facts before you make judgements on his state of mind.

You talk about it not being good for him, is going about smelling like a lump of out of date brie good for him?

My bold.

But I highlighted whether or not you can actually smell him on your previous thread and by your silence you could be taken to have therefore tacitly implicitly admitted, as I pointed out, that no, of course you can't. Now can you.

You're not now saying that you are overwhelmed with stink while he's just sitting there. You can't actually notice any stink coming off him, can you.

As I said at the start of my first post on your other thread, this is an issue that I've come across before, several times down the years, so I've done some thinking and a bit of research about it previously.

Or, although you haven't actually stated it, are you now in fact implying and therefore saying that he is stinking noticeably. Not his room, him.

In which case, as I've already pointed out at length and in detail on your other thread, that means that the armpit clothes ie shirt or t shirt or sweatshirt and or pants and or socks and or shoes need changing. It's the clothes that eventually give off stink, if they're worn for too long, but not a healthy human body which does not give off stink as it has its own natural cleaning. Which is a relevant distinction to take on board here.

So, can you actually smell him as he's sitting there or when he walks past you in which case, yes, tell him that he needs to change that t shirt or shirt if it's giving off nasty armpit stink - or the socks if it's foot stink and do advise him not to wear the same shoes every day otherwise they'll start to rot, wear different shoes at least three or four days before wearing the same ones again and preferably only once a week.

This is simple stuff, easy to get the hang of. Then that's problem, if in fact there actually was one, sorted.

19lottie82

OP, I agree with the other posters... you need to get your OH to tackle this problem. He is shis son, and he should

1) care about him enough to make sure he has a wash at least a couple of times a week and brushes his teeth once a day.

and

2) recognise that it is upsetting you and not a un reasonable request.

He (your OH) needs to grow a pair, man up and put his foot down I'm afraid. How would he like it if YOU didn't wash? Different matter there me thinks!

19lottie82

Bangers........ you never answered my question about dental hygenie?