Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

poet123

If every other parent really does take their turn then I think it is only fair that you do too. Regardless of what other roles you like better you do have a responsibility to be on the rota. If they don't all take a turn that is a different matter. So your starting point is to find out if she is correct in her assertion.

Another issue could be (and I stress could be) is that your daughter is not behaving well in the creche and they want you there to see/deal with that. Which could be why it was suggested that if you weren't able or willing your husband could do it.

Tbh I think it is often counter productive taking children out of church rather than getting them to modify their behaviour so that they are not disruptive. A bit like never taking them into restaurants, how will they ever learn to behave if they are excluded?

lostinrates

skintchick wrote: »

Apart from which, when I talk about a calling I am talking about something God wants me to do which I understand is hard to get your head round if you don;t have a faith, but a God-given calling is important and usually we do our best to support someone in God's work.

If this is truley how ypu feel, then it leads me to suggest perhaps the calling here is something different. Perhaps god is calling to you to set aside you childhood experiences as
Nd stand up for yourself assertively moving forward from them.

Perhaps it's something different again....but it is worth considering that those who feel a calling often do not follow them on a trouble free path.

bestpud

poet123 wrote: »

If every other parent really does take their turn then I think it is only fair that you do too. Regardless of what other roles you like better you do have a responsibility to be on the rota. If they don't all take a turn that is a different matter. So your starting point is to find out if she is correct in her assertion.

Another issue could be (and I stress could be) is that your daughter is not behaving well in the creche and they want you there to see/deal with that. Which could be why it was suggested that if you weren't able or willing your husband could do it.

Tbh I think it is often counter productive taking children out of church rather than getting them to modify their behaviour so that they are not disruptive. A bit like never taking them into restaurants, how will they ever learn to behave if they are excluded?

I would agree but her husband is doing more than his share of looking after the older children and their child is not in that group. Surely that would count as taking part in the rota? It would in my book anyway.

I don't understand why the children are excluded either but then I don't understand the desire to sit through a sermon either - I'd rather poke out my eyes with a blunt stick!

poet123

skintchick wrote: »

Actually I kind of do. It's at the children's centre alongside the baby weigh-in, so DD plays with toys and often mums waiting to see a HV play with her and their own child, and if it's quiet the HVs often play with her.

Obviously I'm there and if she needs me she's my priority, but I don't attend to her very much. She's 3.5 so she can play alone for a while. When she was younger it was harder but often I could just breastfeed her while I helped a mum!

Apart from which, when I talk about a calling I am talking about something God wants me to do which I understand is hard to get your head round if you don;t have a faith, but a God-given calling is important and usually we do our best to support someone in God's work.

No offence, but I do find this a bit precious and a bit of an excuse if I am honest, when juxtaposed with the actual amount of time you would spend doing the creche if everyone took their turn. Surely you can fulfill your calling and your responsibilities too?

guruchelles

skintchick wrote: »

Actually I kind of do. It's at the children's centre alongside the baby weigh-in, so DD plays with toys and often mums waiting to see a HV play with her and their own child, and if it's quiet the HVs often play with her.

Obviously I'm there and if she needs me she's my priority, but I don't attend to her very much. She's 3.5 so she can play alone for a while. When she was younger it was harder but often I could just breastfeed her while I helped a mum!

Apart from which, when I talk about a calling I am talking about something God wants me to do which I understand is hard to get your head round if you don;t have a faith, but a God-given calling is important and usually we do our best to support someone in God's work.

I'm an atheist, so yeah, perhaps that's where our opinions aren't quite gelling. Let's agree to disagree.

Kudos on the peer supporting, by the way. I volunteer at two groups per week and do a lot of admin during the week. Currently trying to get everyone with a budget (head of public health, maternity, children's centre manager etc.) and bang their bloomin heads together!

Ames

skintchick wrote: »

I could, but she'd be disruptive and I still wouldn't get to hear the sermon!

However, my husband said if they ban her because I won;t be on the rota, he will take her upstairs with him when he's on big kids, and when he isn't one of us would end up just going home from church early and missing ther sermon.

Not ideal for anyone.

But if one of you would miss the sermon anyway why not miss it by helping with the creche rather than going home? Wouldn't your (your meaning you and your husband) turn on the creche be less often than having to go home?

I'm sorry but this comes across as a little bit spiteful - if you can't get your own way then you'll take your ball home in a huff. I'm sure that's not how you meant it, but it's how it sounded.

poet123

bestpud wrote: »

I would agree but her husband is doing more than his share of looking after the older children and their child is not in that group. Surely that would count as taking part in the rota? It would in my book anyway.

I don't understand why the children are excluded either but then I don't understand the desire to sit through a sermon either - I'd rather poke out my eyes with a blunt stick!

Not if they operate as individuals. He presumably chooses to do the group, in the same way as the OP would like to choose to do only the other roles.

Brighton_belle

Guruchelles, I really feel you are not grasping how churches work: the creche is another form of church 'service', it's not an add on. In a sense skintchic is 'paying for it' by the hours her husband puts ito prep work at home for looking after other people's children on a Sunday, as well as him doing that work on a sunday.
You could equally say the parents of the 5-10 yr olds should take a turn at taking 'sunday school' except that would be silly because not everyone is gifted at running sunday school and making it a good and interesting experience for children. I can't see the differnce between this and running the creche.
Skint chic and her husband put in a lot of work already, indeed willingly so but they can't do everything.

Indeed there may be some people desparate to help with the littlies in creche but feel they are 'not allowed' because they don't have kids. By skint chics courage in resisting this rather bullying approach, she may (when donna finally makes an announcement for help) be enabling others to serve where they preciously thought they wouldn't be welcome.

Skintchic - I think donna and her husband are not demonstrating good listing, cherishing skills at all. I am seriously unimpressed that she got her husband (and that he agreed to) ring you before. I also would not consider her a friend, particular demonstrated by the lack of interest/concern in your own welfare during a particulalry difficult time.
I think you re going to have to tell her she is not listening and repeat your valid reasons and keep saying no.
FWIW I am rather cross on your behalf.

silvercar

skintchick wrote: »

There is a rota which he organises but there's not that many of them, I think about six people and there have to be two each week.

He also organises the content of the lessons so he spends hours at home doing stuff.

Most weeks he is up there because if someone is ill or doesn't turn up then it is his role to step in.

He is also very good with the kids and they behave better for him than anyone else so if they are having problems then they come and get him to help! :rotfl: hilarious as he is the soft touch in our house with DD!

Emphasise that your share of childcare is taken by your husband looking after the older children, therefore you feel no obligation to take a turn on the care rota, especially as you do plenty other stuff so no-one can accuse you of shirking.

Make sure that parents of other kids in the creche understand that your husband is doing his share of child caring, just with the older group.

mogchops

I organise a creche and Sunday club rota for our local church, and its a challenge!

One thing that greatly concerns me though from your posts, unless I've missed it, is that you are not CRB checked for the church. If you are not CRB checked, you are not allowed to be responsible for other peoples children. The child protection policy that we follow states there must be 2 CRB checked people in the creche or Sunday club at all times. So is Donna CRB checked? Are all the other people on the rota CRB checked? It doesnt matter if their own children are there or not.

Perhaps this can be your get out clause to Donna......