Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

msb5262

I'm assuming this is a once or twice weekly creche, run on an informal basis to enable parents to take part in a church service.
If this is the case, surely not every single parent has to be on the rota?
The OP says her husband works with the older children although their own child is of an age to be in creche...and she herself leads worship part of the time as well as doing other tasks for the church community. Therefore both parents contribute already. Others however seem to contribute nothing so I think the OP has a good point!

pigpen

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Is it really true that every single child in the creche has a parent on the rota? No exceptions? And every parent on the rota puts in the same amount of attendances, no exceptions? If that really is true then surely the number of actual attendances needed by each parent must be quite small?

I don't know if the creche is ofsted registered, but the adult to child ratios would still be a good guideline, which for preschool are

• [FONT=Arial,Helvetica][SIZE=-1]Staff ratios as follows: 1:3 children under 2 years 1:4 children aged 2 years 1:8 children aged 3–7 years[/SIZE][/FONT]

I am just wondering if the rota is organised in accordance with the above guidelines, your 'slot' may not come round that often, and whether it would be possible for you to come to a private arrangement with another parent to cover your 'slot' for you?


http://www.underfives.co.uk/childcare_choices.htm

They very rarely are because they don't need to be due to it only being used for short periods.. it is about 1 hour 55 minutes they have to be registered.. or thereabouts and most services are shorter than this. I think they should have to be registered if they ever look after any children tbh.

They are also looking at changing the ratios to 1:4 for under 2's

skintchick

*zippy* wrote: »

Skintchick you have reminded me why I stopped going to church In most churches you get the same people who end up doing everything, but I remember it was often the older Mums whose children had grown up volunteered for the creche as they enjoyed being around little ones again so it is odd they haven't asked the church for volunteers.

I think it is the case of just saying no, you have given them your reasons, they are reasonable, but by the sound of it she is hoping to bully you into changing your mind when she sees you. If you are happy it is the right thing then don't let them make you feel guilty.

What did you say when he said "you need to take responsibility for your child" I would have been very cross.

To be honest I was gobsmacked and said nothing. I am not good when I'm cornered. I spent my childhood being bullied and it makes me feel like a small child again when people do this kind of stuff to me. I end up either capitulating or lashing out which is why I've asked for help.

I thought I did well on the texts but now I'm dreading a face to face about it.

I think if the church as a whole was asked there would be loads of people who'd be happy to do it. But if they're not asked, people don;t volunteer, I know that.

My husband and I can't remember the last service where we both got to sit together and listen to the sermon, because either I'm on creche or he is on older kids.

If they tell me I can;t use the creche if I'm not on the rota I'm going to raise it with the pastor and other leaders because i think that is not a route we should be taking. No-one should be denied something because of their level or otherwise of involvement.

Plenty of people come to church and just receive and never give, and that is OK, it supposed to be OK, that is what Jesus was about.

skintchick

pigpen wrote: »

They very rarely are because they don't need to be due to it only being used for short periods.. it is about 1 hour 55 minutes they have to be registered.. or thereabouts and most services are shorter than this. I think they should have to be registered if they ever look after any children tbh.

They are also looking at changing the ratios to 1:4 for under 2's

We're not OFSTED registered but we are supposed to be CRB checked. I've avoided doing that so far although I am already CRB checked for my work with Breastfeeding Network some of wehich I do in the same location as the creche is held yet I still need another one!

guruchelles

skintchick wrote: »

But I don't want to give up my other roles!

I love leading worship, and it is my calling. And if I stopped doing that there would be an even bigger problem for the church as then there would be hardly any worship leaders.

My husband can;t do it because he looks after other people's children (the older kids).

If we follow that logic (Donna's and yours) then everyone in the church should be on the coffee rota, because everyone has a drink after the service. It just doesn't work like that. We all do what we feel called to do and what we enjoy.

Or we're supposed to. About 80 per cent of the church does nothing, but that's how it is in all churches I think.

I completely understand that you want to keep your other roles, but you can't just expect other people to take responsibility for your child so that you can do 'what you enjoy'. I think it's a great idea having a crèche with a rota, but it only works fairly if everyone who uses it also goes on the rota.

As other people have pointed out, if there are a number of children in the crèche then your fair turn won't come up very often. The person who is doing the rota is trying hard to make it fair. If other parents started saying 'I don't care for childcare; I don't want to do it' then the rota would be very unfair.

And why can't everyone be on the coffee rota? If 80% of the congregation does nothing then isn't it about time there was a meeting called to make sure people are doing their fair share?

Murtle

Stop giving explanations, they leave it open for discussion.

"I choose not to go on the creche rota". Leave it at that don't say anything even in an awkward silence. If she starts giving reasons and pleas, just repeat what you have said again. If repeating yourself, don't build in excuses - it's a chink in the armour that people can get into and start wearing you done.

It is hard, but try practising it on smaller things first and it will become easier.

Regardless of if you do enough, not enough or way to much. It doesn't matter...you are making a CHOICE to not go on the rota.

She is hurting you, so protect yourself in your conversations. Be honest about what you need and stick to it.


Good luck

bestpud

skintchick wrote: »

To be honest I was gobsmacked and said nothing. I am not good when I'm cornered. I spent my childhood being bullied and it makes me feel like a small child again when people do this kind of stuff to me. I end up either capitulating or lashing out which is why I've asked for help.

I thought I did well on the texts but now I'm dreading a face to face about it.

I think if the church as a whole was asked there would be loads of people who'd be happy to do it. But if they're not asked, people don;t volunteer, I know that.

My husband and I can't remember the last service where we both got to sit together and listen to the sermon, because either I'm on creche or he is on older kids.

If they tell me I can;t use the creche if I'm not on the rota I'm going to raise it with the pastor and other leaders because i think that is not a route we should be taking. No-one should be denied something because of their level or otherwise of involvement.

Plenty of people come to church and just receive and never give, and that is OK, it supposed to be OK, that is what Jesus was about.

Would your refusal make you the only parent who wasn't contributing to the creche?

There may well be other people who would happily help out but someone needs to take the bull by the horns and ask them!

Donna clearly isn't going to and you and your husband must see quite a few people between the various groups you run, so take the initiative and ask! It won't take any time as you surely speak to them anyway?

That seems sensible to me at least and would solve the problem immediately if you received a few volunteers!

guruchelles

skintchick wrote: »

My husband and I can't remember the last service where we both got to sit together and listen to the sermon, because either I'm on creche or he is on older kids.

.

Could you take your toddler with you into the sermon and remove yourself from the crèche scenario altogether?

onlyroz

In my experience, if you join a club and enjoy going to that club then sooner or later they'll rope you into running the bl00dy club.

Stick to your guns. You do your bit and you know it.

As an aside, I know next-to-nothing about church services but I'm a bit baffled about the need for a creche at all. Surely you'd take the children in with you?

bestpud

guruchelles wrote: »

Could you take your toddler with you into the sermon and remove yourself from the crèche scenario altogether?

Seems odd anyway to call it a congregation when actually it isn't because the children are sent away to do other things, but then I'm not a church goer so may be missing something obvious!