Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

RadoJo

I'd reply before the playdate just to say 'Sorry - nothing's changed since we last spoke and I still can't do it. Let me know if you need a hand finding someone else.' If you stop saying you'd "rather" this or you'd "prefer" that it sounds like there is room for persuasion, but if you just say you can't then there's a lot less wriggle room for her to try and change your mind. I she asks why just say 'as well as everything I've already told you I have a lot of other things going on in my life that I don't really want to discuss.' Cut her off, don't give her a chance to wheedle and cajole you, just say your piece and change the subject before she can try and guilt you into anything else.

mrcow

"Donna, you've known me quite a while now and you know that if there was any way that I could help, I would. But I've already said "no" for very good personal reasons and really, that's the end of it. You need to find someone else because I can't do it......anyway, shall we have that cup of tea?"

All said with a smile. Job done.

Little_Vics

I have totally been there with my previous church. I finally managed to get off a rota I didn't want to be on by pointing out quite firmly that I almost never got to go to a service just to worship and not serve - that I was serving all the time but not being served and was on the verge of burnout. They got the message.

Please feel free to DM me - I know exactly what you are going through.

xLV

bestpud

Get your husband to help you do some role play! He can be Donna and you be yourself. Practice saying 'no' assertively - chin up, good eye contact and firm but polite tone.

The alternative is you tell them you will be part of the creche rota but they will need to find someone else for [insert what you do].

Have you considered approaching potential volunteers yourself, rather than leave it to them?

zzzLazyDaisy

Is it really true that every single child in the creche has a parent on the rota? No exceptions? And every parent on the rota puts in the same amount of attendances, no exceptions? If that really is true then surely the number of actual attendances needed by each parent must be quite small?

I don't know if the creche is ofsted registered, but the adult to child ratios would still be a good guideline, which for preschool are

• [FONT=Arial,Helvetica][SIZE=-1]Staff ratios as follows: 1:3 children under 2 years 1:4 children aged 2 years 1:8 children aged 3–7 years[/SIZE][/FONT]

I am just wondering if the rota is organised in accordance with the above guidelines, your 'slot' may not come round that often, and whether it would be possible for you to come to a private arrangement with another parent to cover your 'slot' for you?


http://www.underfives.co.uk/childcare_choices.htm

guruchelles

I'm sorry, you're probably not going to want to hear this, but I agree that if you have a child in the crèche you should be on the rota for the crèche. If you have too many other duties then give up some of those.

This goes for either/or of you as parents. If you don't want to do it, why can't your child's other parent do it?

*zippy*

Skintchick you have reminded me why I stopped going to church In most churches you get the same people who end up doing everything, but I remember it was often the older Mums whose children had grown up volunteered for the creche as they enjoyed being around little ones again so it is odd they haven't asked the church for volunteers.

I think it is the case of just saying no, you have given them your reasons, they are reasonable, but by the sound of it she is hoping to bully you into changing your mind when she sees you. If you are happy it is the right thing then don't let them make you feel guilty.

What did you say when he said "you need to take responsibility for your child" I would have been very cross.

skintchick

guruchelles wrote: »

I'm sorry, you're probably not going to want to hear this, but I agree that if you have a child in the crèche you should be on the rota for the crèche. If you have too many other duties then give up some of those.

This goes for either/or of you as parents. If you don't want to do it, why can't your child's other parent do it?

But I don't want to give up my other roles!

I love leading worship, and it is my calling. And if I stopped doing that there would be an even bigger problem for the church as then there would be hardly any worship leaders.

My husband can;t do it because he looks after other people's children (the older kids).

If we follow that logic (Donna's and yours) then everyone in the church should be on the coffee rota, because everyone has a drink after the service. It just doesn't work like that. We all do what we feel called to do and what we enjoy.

Or we're supposed to. About 80 per cent of the church does nothing, but that's how it is in all churches I think.

skintchick

bestpud wrote: »

Get your husband to help you do some role play! He can be Donna and you be yourself. Practice saying 'no' assertively - chin up, good eye contact and firm but polite tone.

The alternative is you tell them you will be part of the creche rota but they will need to find someone else for [insert what you do].

Have you considered approaching potential volunteers yourself, rather than leave it to them?

I haven't, because I have enough to do with all the other stuff I do, and I don't want to take anything else on.

If they really needed some help doing that then I would, in fact I have offered to do exactly that.

skintchick

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Is it really true that every single child in the creche has a parent on the rota? No exceptions? And every parent on the rota puts in the same amount of attendances, no exceptions? If that really is true then surely the number of actual attendances needed by each parent must be quite small?

I don't know if the creche is ofsted registered, but the adult to child ratios would still be a good guideline, which for preschool are

• [FONT=Arial,Helvetica][SIZE=-1]Staff ratios as follows: 1:3 children under 2 years 1:4 children aged 2 years 1:8 children aged 3–7 years[/SIZE][/FONT]

I am just wondering if the rota is organised in accordance with the above guidelines, your 'slot' may not come round that often, and whether it would be possible for you to come to a private arrangement with another parent to cover your 'slot' for you?


http://www.underfives.co.uk/childcare_choices.htm

Those ratios are useful, thank you. We definitely have smaller ratios than that happening.

As for your suggestion that if we follow those I wouldn't have to do it often, my point is that I don;t want to do it at all.

I really feel that people's feelings should be taken into account. Plenty of people do nothing at all; I do lots, I just don't want to do creche.