Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out
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skintchick
Posts: 15,114 Forumite
I need a bit of help with how to say no to someone without falling out with them. It's not quite as simple as just saying 'no' as you will see.
About a year ago someone realtively new at my church, we'll call her Donna, took over the organising of the creche. We did seem to suddenly have a lot of little children (creche is 0-5) so our previous ad hoc arrangements weren't working.
At first, Donna was in the creche almost every week because her own child wouldn;t be left, so in the beginning she was doing a lot of it, but then again, lots of other people, myself included, also had to stay with their children.
As time passed, the kids became more able to be left (although not Donna's) so we needed a more formal rota, and I was approached by Donna to be on it.
I said I didn't really want to be on the rota, because I don't have a heart for childcare (looking after one or two is one thing, a whole roomful quite another), but mainly because I already do a lot of other things in the church including being one of only a few worship leaders, so I get called on quite a lot.
After my initial 'no', Donna's husband called me (let's call him Fred) and basically railroaded me into agreeing. I was very reluctant and said I would do it "temporarily and occasionally" until more people were found. I felt I was bullied nito agreeing. Phrases like "you need to take responsibility for your child" were said.
I suggested some other people to be asked, and said an announcement should be made up the front to bring people forward. This was not done.
Fast forward to now, a year later. I am still on the rota, increasingly fed up of it, and not wanting to carry on.
I've had a lot of personal stuff happen in the last year or so (miscarriages, surgery, ill parents and in-laws) and feel I need to focus on other commitments both in and out of church.
In addition, my own husband has now taken on the responsibility of organising the older children's ministry (5-preteens) so he is very busy with that.
Plus, there are so many babies in the creche now that most parents stay out - last time I did creche there were six adults to 8 children, which is obviously not necessary.
The other night I got a text from Donna saying she was redoing the creche rota and could I tell her if I'm ready to go back on (I've been off it while recovering from surgery).
I thought this was a good opportunity, so I replied that actually, I wanted to come off the rota because there now seemed to be enough helpers. I reminded her that I'd originally agreed to do it on a short-term basis while there weren't many helpers, but now there seem to be enough I wanted to stop doing it and focus on the other things I do. I ended by offering to help in cases of illness or someone not turning up.
She replied saying she understood my feelings, but "the way it's running is that parents with children in that age group all take a turn". She said she'd reduced the frequency with which I did it and that she felt there weren't enough people and she personally wanted to do less. She ended by saying that my OH could do it instead of me. (!)
I left it a bit but replied later that evening saying I understood what she was saying, but reiterating that when Fred spoke to me originally, I agreed to do it temporarily and occasionally, while a regular rota was built up, and that I felt I'd done it longer than I had wanted and I needed to focus on other things. And I pointed out that as my OH is busy with the bigger kids most weeks he wasn't able to do creche as well.
I offered to help with finding other people by making calls if she needed to find more people.
All in all I thought that was sorted, especially as she didn't reply.
However, we have a playdate coming up, and yesterday she texted me to confirm details of that, and added "we can chat about the creche a bit too and try to come to a decision".
I am now rather !!!!!! about it.
I obviously want to stay friends (inasmuch as we are friends, she didn't contact me once during my recovery from surgery, a lot of which I was housebound for; this is the first contact I've had with her), and to maintain good relationships at church. I don't want anyone to be left in the lurch or to be struggling with creche responsibilities.
BUT about 80 per cent of the church is not on any rota (we have rotas for coffee, welcoming, chairs, all kinds of stuff) and so I feel that peole who currently do nothing could do creche. You don't need to have creche-age children to do it, and I have never before heard that the "rule" (created by her) is that if you have a child in creche then you do creche duty.
Parents of older children don't do the older kids' classes, so why should that be the rule for creche? It's best if people do things with a happy heart rather than grudgingly IMO.
I don't want to argue with her but I do not want to do creche rota and and I feel she is being unreasonable.
I was gobsmacked by her last text as IMO we don't need to chat about it. I've made my decision.
But how do I get that across to her without causing problems?
By the way, Fred is a paid aassistant minister of our church, and traditionally the minister's wife's role is to be involved in running things and maybe taking more of a front seat. Creche is the only thing she does so I don't feel it's unreasonable that she does a bit more on that rota than others, especially as until at least December her own child could not left alone in there without Mummy anyway.
Go on, tell me what you think and what you would do. I'm braced!
About a year ago someone realtively new at my church, we'll call her Donna, took over the organising of the creche. We did seem to suddenly have a lot of little children (creche is 0-5) so our previous ad hoc arrangements weren't working.
At first, Donna was in the creche almost every week because her own child wouldn;t be left, so in the beginning she was doing a lot of it, but then again, lots of other people, myself included, also had to stay with their children.
As time passed, the kids became more able to be left (although not Donna's) so we needed a more formal rota, and I was approached by Donna to be on it.
I said I didn't really want to be on the rota, because I don't have a heart for childcare (looking after one or two is one thing, a whole roomful quite another), but mainly because I already do a lot of other things in the church including being one of only a few worship leaders, so I get called on quite a lot.
After my initial 'no', Donna's husband called me (let's call him Fred) and basically railroaded me into agreeing. I was very reluctant and said I would do it "temporarily and occasionally" until more people were found. I felt I was bullied nito agreeing. Phrases like "you need to take responsibility for your child" were said.
I suggested some other people to be asked, and said an announcement should be made up the front to bring people forward. This was not done.
Fast forward to now, a year later. I am still on the rota, increasingly fed up of it, and not wanting to carry on.
I've had a lot of personal stuff happen in the last year or so (miscarriages, surgery, ill parents and in-laws) and feel I need to focus on other commitments both in and out of church.
In addition, my own husband has now taken on the responsibility of organising the older children's ministry (5-preteens) so he is very busy with that.
Plus, there are so many babies in the creche now that most parents stay out - last time I did creche there were six adults to 8 children, which is obviously not necessary.
The other night I got a text from Donna saying she was redoing the creche rota and could I tell her if I'm ready to go back on (I've been off it while recovering from surgery).
I thought this was a good opportunity, so I replied that actually, I wanted to come off the rota because there now seemed to be enough helpers. I reminded her that I'd originally agreed to do it on a short-term basis while there weren't many helpers, but now there seem to be enough I wanted to stop doing it and focus on the other things I do. I ended by offering to help in cases of illness or someone not turning up.
She replied saying she understood my feelings, but "the way it's running is that parents with children in that age group all take a turn". She said she'd reduced the frequency with which I did it and that she felt there weren't enough people and she personally wanted to do less. She ended by saying that my OH could do it instead of me. (!)
I left it a bit but replied later that evening saying I understood what she was saying, but reiterating that when Fred spoke to me originally, I agreed to do it temporarily and occasionally, while a regular rota was built up, and that I felt I'd done it longer than I had wanted and I needed to focus on other things. And I pointed out that as my OH is busy with the bigger kids most weeks he wasn't able to do creche as well.
I offered to help with finding other people by making calls if she needed to find more people.
All in all I thought that was sorted, especially as she didn't reply.
However, we have a playdate coming up, and yesterday she texted me to confirm details of that, and added "we can chat about the creche a bit too and try to come to a decision".
I am now rather !!!!!! about it.
I obviously want to stay friends (inasmuch as we are friends, she didn't contact me once during my recovery from surgery, a lot of which I was housebound for; this is the first contact I've had with her), and to maintain good relationships at church. I don't want anyone to be left in the lurch or to be struggling with creche responsibilities.
BUT about 80 per cent of the church is not on any rota (we have rotas for coffee, welcoming, chairs, all kinds of stuff) and so I feel that peole who currently do nothing could do creche. You don't need to have creche-age children to do it, and I have never before heard that the "rule" (created by her) is that if you have a child in creche then you do creche duty.
Parents of older children don't do the older kids' classes, so why should that be the rule for creche? It's best if people do things with a happy heart rather than grudgingly IMO.
I don't want to argue with her but I do not want to do creche rota and and I feel she is being unreasonable.
I was gobsmacked by her last text as IMO we don't need to chat about it. I've made my decision.
But how do I get that across to her without causing problems?
By the way, Fred is a paid aassistant minister of our church, and traditionally the minister's wife's role is to be involved in running things and maybe taking more of a front seat. Creche is the only thing she does so I don't feel it's unreasonable that she does a bit more on that rota than others, especially as until at least December her own child could not left alone in there without Mummy anyway.
Go on, tell me what you think and what you would do. I'm braced!
:cool: DFW Nerd Club member 023...DFD 9.2.2007 :cool:
:heartpuls married 21 6 08 :A Angel babies' birth dates 3.10.08 * 4.3.11 * 11.11.11 * 17.3.12 * 2.7.12 :heart2: My live baby's birth date 22 7 09 :heart2: I'm due another baby at the end of July 2014! :j
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skintchick wrote: »The other night I got a text from Donna saying she was redoing the creche rota and could I tell her if I'm ready to go back on (I've been off it while recovering from surgery).
I thought this was a good opportunity, so I replied that actually, I wanted to come off the rota because there now seemed to be enough helpers. I reminded her that I'd originally agreed to do it on a short-term basis while there weren't many helpers, but now there seem to be enough I wanted to stop doing it and focus on the other things I do. I ended by offering to help in cases of illness or someone not turning up.
She replied saying she understood my feelings, but "the way it's running is that parents with children in that age group all take a turn". She said she'd reduced the frequency with which I did it and that she felt there weren't enough people and she personally wanted to do less. She ended by saying that my OH could do it instead of me. (!)
However, we have a playdate coming up, and yesterday she texted me to confirm details of that, and added "we can chat about the creche a bit too and try to come to a decision".
I obviously want to stay friends (inasmuch as we are friends, she didn't contact me once during my recovery from surgery, a lot of which I was housebound for; this is the first contact I've had with her), and to maintain good relationships at church. I don't want anyone to be left in the lurch or to be struggling with creche responsibilities.
Why? She isn't a friend of yours!
Originally, she couldn't pressurise you into going on the rota so she got her husband to bully you into it!
She now wants to reduce her commitment but you mustn't!
Think of dealing with a child who keeps pushing the boundaries - NO means NO.0 -
skintchick wrote: »I don't want to argue with her but I do not want to do creche rota and and I feel she is being unreasonable.
I was gobsmacked by her last text as IMO we don't need to chat about it. I've made my decision.
I'd tell her this.
I think you've explained your position and she's not listened so now you need to state your position and stick to your guns.
If she was really a friend (which it doesn't sound much like she is TBH) she wouldn't be trying to emotionally blackmail you into capitulating - it does sounds like her husband pretty much bullied you into agreeing to going back on the rota the last time!2.22kWp Solar PV system installed Oct 2010, Fronius IG20 Inverter, south facing (-5 deg), 30 degree pitch, no shadingEverything will be alright in the end so, if it’s not yet alright, it means it’s not yet the endMFW #4 OPs (offset): 2018 £866.89, 2019 £1322.33, 2020 £1337.07,
2021 £1250.00, 2022 £1500.00, 2023 £1500Target for 2024 (offset) = £1200, YTD £345
Quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur0 -
jackieblack wrote: »I think you've explained your position and she's not listened so now you need to state your position and stick to your guns.
Absolutely! No explanations, no discussions.0 -
I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood my last message. I do not want to join back in with the creche at all. Looking forward to the playdate :-)
End of!Can't think of anything smart to put here...0 -
I'd just say 'I have already said no and given you my reasons. If I want to be added in the future I will speak to you. I would appreciate not being made to feel guilty for not doing it but there are plenty of others who can.'
They sound a nasty pair tbh, bullying and manipulating, I'd not call them friends even in the loosest sense of the word.LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0 -
But if your child is in the creche, then shouldn't you take a turn? I'm not having a go, just don't understand why all the other parents should take turns looking after your child, when you don't want to return the favour.0
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Hi skintchick,
I can see why this situation is upsetting you.
For what it's worth, I agree with jackieblack - you've explained your position, now just state it and keep stating it!
Try to remain entirely calm but repeat it as many times as necessary, and if you like, add a phrase like, "I'm afraid my mind is made up," or "This is my decision and it's not going to change," to make it crystal clear to her.
Keep your tone fairly light and just repeat as often as necessary.
I'm sorry to say she doesn't sound at all like a friend to you - you owe her honesty and clarity, no more.
She owes you respect for a decision you have reached!
HTH
MsB0 -
bluestarlight wrote: »But if your child is in the creche, then shouldn't you take a turn? I'm not having a go, just don't understand why all the other parents should take turns looking after your child, when you don't want to return the favour.
If I didn't do anything else in church I'd agree with you. But between us my OH and I do loads. I do worship (that's leading the band at the front), organise a worship training course, am on an evangelism course with a view to inplementing new things, am in the prophetic group (I appreciate some of this will be foreign to non-Christians and even to CofE Christians) and I do the baby and toddler group in the week which I set up and run enirely voluntarily and on my own.
Looked at overall as contribution to the church as a whole, I do LOADS.
So I see other people looking after my child in creche as their contribution to church as a whole.
We're not in it for what we get out of it, it's not supposed to work that way, we are supposed to work together to serve the church (the body of Christ) as whole.
So just as I don't resent leading worship every week in three, or giving up my mornings and evenings to run groups, I don't expect someone else to resent giving an hour or so every so often to look after my child in the creche. EDIT: and if they did I'd want them to stop doing it. No-one should do something they don't want to do.
Does that make sense? Did I answer your question?:cool: DFW Nerd Club member 023...DFD 9.2.2007 :cool::heartpuls married 21 6 08 :A Angel babies' birth dates 3.10.08 * 4.3.11 * 11.11.11 * 17.3.12 * 2.7.12 :heart2: My live baby's birth date 22 7 09 :heart2: I'm due another baby at the end of July 2014! :j
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Absolutely! No explanations, no discussions.
I agree with this - you've already explained - at least twice, and she's not listening because she doesn't want to.
So when she brings it up again with you face-to-face, you just say you've already explained your situation to her, and the answer is No.
Then just keep saying it, like a broken record (because thats what she sounds like).0 -
bluestarlight wrote: »But if your child is in the creche, then shouldn't you take a turn? I'm not having a go, just don't understand why all the other parents should take turns looking after your child, when you don't want to return the favour.
OP does a lot of other duties with the church that people benefit from but don't contribute to.
HBS x"I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."
"It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."
#Bremainer0
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