Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

Mojisola

sweaty_betty wrote: »

Hi there - I'm sorry to hear that this hasn't gone away yet!
It sounds like a complete nightmare.

From what you've said, this would be my plan if I was you:

I would contact the minister/pastor/vicar in charge and ask if he(?) can meet with you and your husband. Then both of you need to put on a united front, prepare a list of EVERYTHING you both do for the church. Also prepare an estimate of the time it takes you each week to prepare and carry out the activities (don't forget adhoc things like organising meals for ill people etc).

Then between you write a list of the other, non-church activities you both do (work, any other volunteering, parenting, etc).

When you meet with the minister, explain clearly that, as a family, you do a lot for the church and you feel that your workload is currently manageable however you have no further capacity for additional tasks. Then tell him that you feel that you are being pressurised by Donna to do creche work (let him know you understand she wants to hand it over and why, but state that because of the above, you are NOT the person to hand it over to) and you simply cannot manage it. You may also choose to say that her persistence in refusing to take no for an answer is disrupting your relationship with the church because she seems not to take on board/value the other tasks you do and you're wondering if you should be reviewing your other activities...

Once I'd said all this, I'd sit back and see what he said. If he's got any sense, he'll take it all on board, possibly take it away to think about, and hopefully come back "on your side" as it were. I'd very very disappointed if he didn't (and personally would consider looking for another church if I didn't feel that I'd been listened to, but obviously that's your call).

I feel for you. I've spoken to our vicar about Sunday school and told him that my OH has volunteered to do a session occasionally but that it's not something I'm interested in doing. His response was "well, we all have different skills and callings" (the right answer ).

Good luck!

I really wouldn't do any of this - this is what the bullies want - to have you upset and running about anxiously to other people.

Stop feeding the bullies. Just say no.

coolcait

skintchick wrote: »

Oh dear. I'm afraid my Pm correspondent is going to continue to be Disgruntled of MSE.

I have had A Text.

In it Donna apologises for going quiet on "the creche conversation", says she doesn't feel she is "the right person to be challenging you on it" and asks me to pray about it and speak to my personal pastor about it, while she will "take it to the leadership" in order to "get some perspective on it".

There is much I could say. I won't right now. I'm considering what to do next.

Any thoughts, lovely people? Please base your replies on the knowledge that I HAVE prayed about it and I do NOT believe this is what God wants me to do, I strongly believe He wants me to focus on the worship and evangelism, and I have already told Donna this but she is seemingly choosing to ignore that.

I am at a loss. I feel bullied and I don't understand why she is making such a big deal of this. It's a voluntary rota I never wanted to be on in the first place, and I have done it for a year to help them out.

I don't want to leave my church over this, but I cannot accept people in leadership thinking it appropriate to bully me until I do what they want regardless of whether I feel it is the right thing to do.

Well, taking the religious perspective on this one...

You have prayed about this issue.

The outcome of those prayers is that you do not believe that this [the creche] is what God wants you to do.

On a human level, you have felt pressurised and bullied by Donna's insistence that you take part in this rota - despite the fact that you have made you own feelings very clear, numerous times.

Nevertheless, you recognise that to err is human. You also recognise that - although pregnancy is a beautiful phase of any woman's life, and a true gift from God - it brings its own stresses. You empathise with Donna at this time, and send her love, prayers and forgiveness.

However, on a spiritual level, you are surprised by Donna's reluctance to accept that God has a different path for you.

Taking the more secular perspective, it's all about reiterating what other people have already said: You've said 'no'; you've explained why; 'no' means 'no'. etc

skintchick

lostinrates wrote: »

in this church? Things that were of help or value others and that no one complained about or had a problem with? If the answer is yes, then how loud does your God need to shout skint chick?

I was taken off doing something because I wouldn;t do something the pastor wanted me to do, because I didn't agree with his reasonaing or logic. So he took me off an unrelated thing, althogh no-one atcually told me, I just realised I was no longer on the rota and had to ask the organiser, who said "oh, didn't Pastor tell you? He said he would" in an embarrassed way. It was a few years ago.

Thing is I believe God wants me doing His work in this town, so I'm unsure He wants me to leave this church, but equally I am not sure He is calling me to stick my neck on the line and be an outspoken warrior...

Just got to keep praying I guess.


Sorry for the typos. Tired and upset.

sweaty_betty

skintchick wrote: »

I was taken off doing something because I wouldn;t do something the pastor wanted me to do, because I didn't agree with his reasonaing or logic. So he took me off an unrelated thing, althogh no-one atcually told me, I just realised I was no longer on the rota and had to ask the organiser, who said "oh, didn't Pastor tell you? He said he would" in an embarrassed way. It was a few years ago.

Thing is I believe God wants me doing His work in this town, so I'm unsure He wants me to leave this church, but equally I am not sure He is calling me to stick my neck on the line and be an outspoken warrior...

Just got to keep praying I guess.


Sorry for the typos. Tired and upset.

Wow - they sound like a nice leadership team... So sorry you're going through all this stress, I'm sure it's the last thing you need. I'd quite like to go and sort them out on your behalf - I don't mind being an outspoken warrior ! Seriously, if you can, try to put it all out of your mind and get some rest.

skintchick

I am thinking I might reply tomorrow saying "I have already prayed about it. Maybe you should pray? I find it hard to believe God is saying completely opposite things to each of us."

Or is that fuelling the fire?

mountainofdebt

skintchick wrote: »

Other issues in the past have caused me to be frightened of standing up for myself in church for fear of being taken off things I enjoy as punishment (yes, really, it's happened before), but for me this is the final straw and if I end up leaving then so be it. My husband is fully behind me on this.

I can't undersatnd why anyone would want to stay in any organisation, let alone a church and be frightened of reprisals for saying no.

lostinrates

skintchick wrote: »

I was taken off doing something because I wouldn;t do something the pastor wanted me to do, because I didn't agree with his reasonaing or logic. So he took me off an unrelated thing, althogh no-one atcually told me, I just realised I was no longer on the rota and had to ask the organiser, who said "oh, didn't Pastor tell you? He said he would" in an embarrassed way. It was a few years ago.

Thing is I believe God wants me doing His work in this town, so I'm unsure He wants me to leave this church, but equally I am not sure He is calling me to stick my neck on the line and be an outspoken warrior...

Just got to keep praying I guess.


Sorry for the typos. Tired and upset.

In the least offensive way I can think to say this , I find it very confusing of God that you can pray and receive guidance to one thing, while Fred and Donna might be feeling the guidance is the contrary. It's very confusing, but I think we have to assume or at least contemplate they are doing the same....praying and doing what they feel they are guided too.



I find your pastor's actions cowardly at best, vindictive at worst. But I think if you are meant to respect his leadership in your church (again, forgive me, I do not understand what the 'rules' are in your church) then...perhaps you should have toed the line? As I say, I don't know.

I do want to say far from feeling it airs dirty laundry I find getting insight into other peoe's faiths, the way they work ( and where problems occur) really educational, beneficial for me. I like taking that understanding into my interactions with people. It's sad someone feels it's to be treated as 'dirty secrets' that sometimes things don't run smoothly. Goodness, we all know that, because if it did there would be an awful lot less dispute in the world!

I cannot imagine how it feels to feel one is guided by a diety. So it is a little difficult for me to comprehend. But I hope talking it through helps you perhaps focus your prayers and thoughts to a most productive end for all.

claire16c

I think ignoring them might wind them up even more so Id do that.

You have to ask yourself - would you even associate yourself with this couple if they werent at your church?

They dont seem like the kind of people I would want to be friends with!

This and the punishment thing makes it seem like theyre all on some kind of power trip as perhaps they dont get to assert themselves in their normal jobs or something?

lostinrates

skintchick wrote: »

I am thinking I might reply tomorrow saying "I have already prayed about it. Maybe you should pray? I find it hard to believe God is saying completely opposite things to each of us."

Or is that fuelling the fire?

I typed while you were typing that,


I think that would be HiGHLY incendiary.

sweaty_betty

skintchick wrote: »

I am thinking I might reply tomorrow saying "I have already prayed about it. Maybe you should pray? I find it hard to believe God is saying completely opposite things to each of us."

Or is that fuelling the fire?

If it were me (and it's already been pointed out that different people will have different approaches to situations ) I would just ignore her text, no response, nothing.

You've said your bit to her, told her as many times in as many ways as you can that you're not prepared to do it, so that's that.

Unless you want to take a pre-emptive step and contact the pastor yourself, just ignore any further mention of it. I don't know what is going on in Donna's head to go on at you like this, but I'd just refuse to discuss it any further.