Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

claire16c

Im sorry but this woman sounds like a nasty piece of work. She is bullying you into it and at the same time having the nerve to 'apologise for being quiet'! She clearly isnt going to take no for an answer whatever you say. So I dont think Id even dignify the text with a response and let her stew.

If you have to, send one saying youve prayed and the answer is no. And dont make any excuses, just leave it at that.

Im not religious so I dont really get the whole church thing, but surely, it should be somewhere you enjoy going as an option that you choose to take? Not somewhere to go to be bullied into doing a job youre not even paid for, and there could be others wanting to do it but she wont even ask them?

What is wrong with this woman!?

bossymoo

I've been reading but so far not commented. Do you think this text could actually be from the husband? Either way I find it completely inappropriate. Far too much pressure has been applied here. If it were me I would keep the text but not respond. And the next time they speak I would say "I've made my position clear, no thank you" and walk away. Make it clear there is no more dialogue to be had on the matter.
I'd be shocked if anyone at our church behaved like that. As for being told to pray? About a crèche? How ridiculous. I think common sense is needed here, not divine intervention.

lostinrates

Skint chick, I am not sure how your branch of Christianity views the will of god/predestination etc so please accept anything in the same vein you ask us to accept you have prayed and feel you have yur answer?

If it were a 'do it or go, or do it or stay and be made feel very uncomfortable' how would you and your husband feel? would that impact on the way you feel guided through your prayers?

What are your husband's thoughts on this practically?

My guess is that if Donna is so bothered about it she has talked to Fred about it. If Fred feels the same, and we know he has behaved poorly to this scenario, iot might already have been discussed by him with church leaders. He may not, but just consider that Fred's value in the community is valuable to them too, and it might be coloured by that.

I think you need to really assess what is important to you individually and as a partnership at this point and at each step of the way when making a decision in how to act.

If you were my real life friend here, I would suggest this goes back to the early stages when you suggested that you felt uncomfortable because of who you are defined by past experience. I think if there is a message to take from this to you personally it may well be about that.

Practically.....perhaps your husband consider resigning from the way he serves the community till your daughter is old enough to join his group, or if the interim is short, as you said it was, the child/children perhaps have playdates on church mornings, or time with members of their extended family, continuing their religious guidance under you both at home in the interim. Ideal, no of course not.....a workable solution that might save face for all....it might be...I don't know how the set up is.

I think it might be you have to compromise, even if it's just saying you cannot serve because of YOUR limit rather than putting any blame on donna, but I equally think its important that where you do not compromise on your resolve to do what is right FOR YOU as an individual.

Mojisola

bossymoo wrote: »

I think common sense is needed here, not divine intervention.

That's brilliant! Well put.

skintchick - I'd love to see Donna's face if you said that to her.:rotfl:

sweaty_betty

Hi there - I'm sorry to hear that this hasn't gone away yet!
It sounds like a complete nightmare.

From what you've said, this would be my plan if I was you:

I would contact the minister/pastor/vicar in charge and ask if he(?) can meet with you and your husband. Then both of you need to put on a united front, prepare a list of EVERYTHING you both do for the church. Also prepare an estimate of the time it takes you each week to prepare and carry out the activities (don't forget adhoc things like organising meals for ill people etc).

Then between you write a list of the other, non-church activities you both do (work, any other volunteering, parenting, etc).

When you meet with the minister, explain clearly that, as a family, you do a lot for the church and you feel that your workload is currently manageable however you have no further capacity for additional tasks. Then tell him that you feel that you are being pressurised by Donna to do creche work (let him know you understand she wants to hand it over and why, but state that because of the above, you are NOT the person to hand it over to) and you simply cannot manage it. You may also choose to say that her persistence in refusing to take no for an answer is disrupting your relationship with the church because she seems not to take on board/value the other tasks you do and you're wondering if you should be reviewing your other activities...

Once I'd said all this, I'd sit back and see what he said. If he's got any sense, he'll take it all on board, possibly take it away to think about, and hopefully come back "on your side" as it were. I'd very very disappointed if he didn't (and personally would consider looking for another church if I didn't feel that I'd been listened to, but obviously that's your call).

I feel for you. I've spoken to our vicar about Sunday school and told him that my OH has volunteered to do a session occasionally but that it's not something I'm interested in doing. His response was "well, we all have different skills and callings" (the right answer ).

Good luck!

skintchick

bossymoo wrote: »

I've been reading but so far not commented. Do you think this text could actually be from the husband? Either way I find it completely inappropriate. Far too much pressure has been applied here. If it were me I would keep the text but not respond. And the next time they speak I would say "I've made my position clear, no thank you" and walk away. Make it clear there is no more dialogue to be had on the matter.
I'd be shocked if anyone at our church behaved like that. As for being told to pray? About a crèche? How ridiculous. I think common sense is needed here, not divine intervention.

Oh yes of course it's from the husband, it always has been, really. Donna is just the conduit, but she has no balls, that's why she didn't speak to me about it last week.

Although I'm assuming her husband is realising I have both bark and bite as he didn't approach me on Sunday either.

Other issues in the past have caused me to be frightened of standing up for myself in church for fear of being taken off things I enjoy as punishment (yes, really, it's happened before), but for me this is the final straw and if I end up leaving then so be it. My husband is fully behind me on this.

amus

skintchick wrote: »

Oh dear. I'm afraid my Pm correspondent is going to continue to be Disgruntled of MSE.

I have had A Text.

In it Donna apologises for going quiet on "the creche conversation", says she doesn't feel she is "the right person to be challenging you on it" and asks me to pray about it and speak to my personal pastor about it, while she will "take it to the leadership" in order to "get some perspective on it".

There is much I could say. I won't right now. I'm considering what to do next.

Any thoughts, lovely people? Please base your replies on the knowledge that I HAVE prayed about it and I do NOT believe this is what God wants me to do, I strongly believe He wants me to focus on the worship and evangelism, and I have already told Donna this but she is seemingly choosing to ignore that.

I am at a loss. I feel bullied and I don't understand why she is making such a big deal of this. It's a voluntary rota I never wanted to be on in the first place, and I have done it for a year to help them out.

I don't want to leave my church over this, but I cannot accept people in leadership thinking it appropriate to bully me until I do what they want regardless of whether I feel it is the right thing to do.

If you are going to respond, the last two paragraphs of this post would be appropriate IMO.


This woman is clearly a nasty, passive (not even sure if passive is appropriate) aggressive bully.

Sambucus_Nigra

'I don't appreciate being bullied or blackmailed. But thanks anyway'.

moromir

skintchick wrote:

while she will "take it to the leadership" in order to "get some perspective on it".

Blimey, what a little tattle-tale! :rotfl: You'd think you were in a school playground by the way shes acting

lostinrates

skintchick wrote: »

Other issues in the past have caused me to be frightened of standing up for myself in church for fear of being taken off things I enjoy as punishment (yes, really, it's happened before), but for me this is the final straw and if I end up leaving then so be it. My husband is fully behind me on this.

in this church? Things that were of help or value others and that no one complained about or had a problem with? If the answer is yes, then how loud does your God need to shout skint chick?