Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

Cherry_Bomb

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

Think it is more like the OP does (for example) 15 hours work a week for the church, then is being asked to do another 2 hours as well because her child benefits for those 2 hours. Never mind that EVERYONE (including others offspring) benefit far more from the 15 hours already done elsewhere.

Benefit aside she's promised to do those extra hours which is why I'm saying its a ridiculous point. It makes no sense when she's trying to come up with arguments as to why she shouldn't be on the rota

Brighton_belle

poet123 wrote: »

To make her feel guilty for not organising a rota of the same when she (the OP) had a recent op.

That's a very harsh interpretation - I saw the OP making a self deprecating joke.

Mrs_Arcanum

Cherry_Bomb wrote: »

Benefit aside she's promised to do those extra hours which is why I'm saying its a ridiculous point. It makes no sense when she's trying to come up with arguments as to why she shouldn't be on the rota

No she hasn't promised to do the extra hours, she was been bullied into them. Now given the opportunity to withdraw from doing the extra hours the OP is again being unduly pressured. In addition has offered to cover in emergencies.

Imagine in a pre school group you have a whizz at maths who does the accounts because no one else can or wishes to. The whole group benefit from someone competent doing the accounts and the price paid is the maths whizz not doing her rota for child care. A small amount of extra time being divided up amongst the remaining parents does not seem too big an ask, does it? Now the accounts could take one or two hours a week but the child care rota is only 3 hours every 6 weeks.

mysk_girl

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

No she hasn't promised to do the extra hours, she was been bullied into them. Now given the opportunity to withdraw from doing the extra hours the OP is again being unduly pressured. In addition has offered to cover in emergencies.

Imagine in a pre school group you have a whizz at maths who does the accounts because no one else can or wishes to. The whole group benefit from someone competent doing the accounts and the price paid is the maths whizz not doing her rota for child care. A small amount of extra time being divided up amongst the remaining parents does not seem too big an ask, does it? Now the accounts could take one or two hours a week but the child care rota is only 3 hours every 6 weeks.

Funny you should say that! I'm the chair of a preschool committee, which both voluntary and time consuming as I also do monthly payroll for my 8 staff. We have a parent helper rota, and I have refused to go on it as I spend many many hours working on preschool stuff. This was not questioned in any way, nor have I been made to feel bad or inadequate - it is recognised that my input makes life easier for all the other parents as they then don't have to do it! I also have a 9wk old baby, so I feel my contribution is enough, as does everyone else.

poet123

Brighton_belle wrote: »

That's a very harsh interpretation - I saw the OP making a self deprecating joke.

Yes, it may be a joke, but if you think the thought through then the idea is there albeit in the background. The OP actually said as much and from memory asked if it would be unchristian.

The OP has still not answered how much time being on this rota would involve.

Nicki

poet123 wrote: »

To make her feel guilty for not organising a rota of the same when she (the OP) had a recent op.

I think that's unfair. Certainly in our church there is one woman who would always organise a meals rota for someone in need, but if that person was herself ill, then someone else would step into the breach to organise one for them.

I read SC's post as meaning that usually it is SC who organises the meals/practical help for those in need rota, but when she was herself ill, no one bothered to do this for her. IIRC SC had an op on her feet so was completely out of action for about 6 weeks, so definitely in need of some support from others. As the assistant pastor's wife, I would have thought that it would be expected that Donna (or the pastor's wife if he has one) should have organised something for SC on this occasion.

Brighton_belle

poet123 wrote: »

Yes, it may be a joke, but if you think the thought through then the idea is there albeit in the background. The OP actually said as much and from memory asked if it would be unchristian.

I don't think as humans we can help the thoughts that enter our head, it is what we do with them that counts surely?
It would be a pure being indeed who never had an uncharitable thought. After the thought, would ideally come the challenge to one's self on one attitude and motivation, and from memory, I believe the OP said she had 6 months to work on her attitude if she wasn't acting with a good attitude.

I don't believe she asked if it woud be 'unchristian', as that would give a seriousness to the question that wasn't intended. I also think SC would know stooping to revenge is, hence a self deprecating joke.

The trouble is, the fear of being unchristian can result in others getting away with unkind, or bullying behaviour because you get paralysed by whether your emotions/reactions/feelings/thought are justified or 'bad'.

Cherry_Bomb

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

No she hasn't promised to do the extra hours, she was been bullied into them. Now given the opportunity to withdraw from doing the extra hours the OP is again being unduly pressured. In addition has offered to cover in emergencies.

Imagine in a pre school group you have a whizz at maths who does the accounts because no one else can or wishes to. The whole group benefit from someone competent doing the accounts and the price paid is the maths whizz not doing her rota for child care. A small amount of extra time being divided up amongst the remaining parents does not seem too big an ask, does it? Now the accounts could take one or two hours a week but the child care rota is only 3 hours every 6 weeks.

You're misunderstanding me.

By her friends logic she HAS promised to do them. Everyone who attends these dedications promises to help raise the children. This includes the OP which is why I'm saying its a ridiculous point.

Unless she's doing it herself she can't accuse others of not fulfilling that promise

poet123

skintchick wrote: »

THanks building with lego.

Luckily I've had loads of support from my non-Christian friends since my surgery so things have been OK, but it's still very disappointing.

Am I evil in planning to organise Donna and Fred's meals rota after they have their baby in the summer, just to make them feel super-guilty...?

Nicki wrote: »

I think that's unfair. Certainly in our church there is one woman who would always organise a meals rota for someone in need, but if that person was herself ill, then someone else would step into the breach to organise one for them.

I read SC's post as meaning that usually it is SC who organises the meals/practical help for those in need rota, but when she was herself ill, no one bothered to do this for her. IIRC SC had an op on her feet so was completely out of action for about 6 weeks, so definitely in need of some support from others. As the assistant pastor's wife, I would have thought that it would be expected that Donna (or the pastor's wife if he has one) should have organised something for SC on this occasion.

The quote is above, actually, when I re read it I don't think it is a joke I think the OP does plan to do this to make a point. Nor am I saying she is wrong, and I do agree with your points, but mine was a fair comment because that is what the OP said.

Newly_retired

Many years ago when my children were small, we moved to a church where there was no creche. As I already ran the Playgroup and Mums & Tots, I had no plans to start a creche as well myself.

After a while, all the new Mums from Mums 7 Tots who started coming to church saw the need ( to have a safe place for small kids to make a noise without disturbing the rest of the people there) and set one up.
I was not expected to do a stint as I did all these other things, admittedly on other days of the week.
So I agree with the OP, that she makes her contribution in other ways, as should not have to be on the rota. She has already said she will step in in emergency and that is enough.
Actually though, I am surprised that there is not a separate group for children aged 3-5. They are old enough to be doing their own activities, not just in a creche.
It strikes me that this church is overdue for a Time and Talents survey. Everyone who comes should be given the opportunity to sign up to make some contribution, chosen from a list or even a new suggestion from them. It may not get many new offers of help, but should remind everyone that making coffee, arranging the flowers, singing in the choir/band, reading, creche duty, etc are all forms of service and that more offers of help are needed.