Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

skintchick

sassyblue wrote: »

Say nothing, raise your eyebrows, look him up and down and walk away.

Tons of dignity for you there, without uttering a word.

YEs, but it won;t resolve the issue.

I've run through a million film-style scenarios in my head but I know none of them will actually happen as I need to retain relationships with these people.

ValHaller

skintchick wrote: »

..... as I need to retain relationships with these people.

Not half as much as they need to retain relationships with you.

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

If he tries that again - laugh at him!

skintchick wrote: »

YEs, but it won;t resolve the issue.

I've run through a million film-style scenarios in my head but I know none of them will actually happen as I need to retain relationships with these people.

If laughing at him or walking away with dignity won't do the trick, then I'd say something like "Fred, we all give our time towards keeping the church going, I've done a spell with the creche but now I need to concentrate on the other aspects of my calling." Again, as we said with Donna, don't get into discussions or negotiate - just repeat your decision.

If he tried bullying you again, it would be tempting to start talking about how he's failing to respect you as a person and how he is belittling your religious calling and how you would have expected someone in his position to be more charitable and understanding!

wannabe_sybil

Re organising meal rota for them, the Biblical authority is Romans 12:20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Also being the better person even if you don't feel like it.

I really feel for you - this situation drives many away from Church. Re your DH speaking for you, are you in a church that recognises headship? Also, I would just keep saying, sorry, it's not possible, sorry, it's not possible, then change the subject. Any reason or excuse you give will be an opportunity to attack and change your mind.

I hope this helps

mountainofdebt

Sometimes people count on you being too polite to cause a scene to get what they want in the end.

Perhaps its time for the more direct approach.

Next time they ask smile and ask which part of no they don't understand / having difficulty with so you can explain that you aren't doing it in a way that they can understand

cte1111

Mojisola wrote: »

Can you imagine the reaction from the parents of prospective Cubs and Brownies if they were told they would be put on a rota because, after all, they couldn't expect other people to look after their children if they weren't doing their bit for the club! :rotfl:

That's exactly what we have been told by my son's Beaver group - one of us must be on the rota to help out with group. We didn't initially fill in that part of the form, so my husband was told that he had to help supervise the Remembrance Day parade. Since then they've asked again which of us will be doing our turn at the Beaver group.

I'm interested that other people think this is odd, because I did at the time. I really wouldn't be able to cope with doing it, I suffer from stress and being partly responsible for 20-30 excited children would be more than I can cope with. We weren't told about this before he joined the group and it wasn't the case with my daughter's Rainbow, Brownie or Guides groups (or indeed mine when I was her age).

bylromarha

skintchick wrote: »

EDIT: and the last time I said no to him he told me I had to take responsibility for my child and implied I was being a bad parent and a bad person by saying no, so it's not as easy to do as it is to say, but I'm going to try.

Laugh in his face and say "What do you think I do every day of the week?"

Then say to him "Actually David, I think *insert name of your OH here* is looking for some more people to serve with him with the older kids. Shall I tell him to put your name on the rota? No? Why's that then? You just said that....."

You need to take the offensive with these people - I've come across them many times in church life and turning their persuasions back on them works wonders.

EG I HATE camping - church holidays are all camping. When challenged why we weren't yet again coming on the church holiday (you are leaders, you should set an example, don't you want to build relationship etc etc etc) I smiled and laughed and said "I'm very happy to come - we'll have your caravan, we'll find you a 4 man tent to borrow for your family to sleep in, ok?" Haven't been asked since. And the bloke, as well as being the lead elder, has discipled us for years. Friend with authority, who knew when he was beaten :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Sambucus_Nigra

Well, this religion stuff all sounds a right hoot.

elona

Perhaps Fred should be reminded of the story of Martha and Mary and how surprised you are that someone in his position is taking the attitude he does?

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

Can you imagine the reaction from the parents of prospective Cubs and Brownies if they were told they would be put on a rota because, after all, they couldn't expect other people to look after their children if they weren't doing their bit for the club! :rotfl:

mysk_girl wrote: »

The brownies by us does have a rota for parents to help. Once per term is requested, which should mean they have one parent helper each week. Obviously if you really can't (new baby, illness etc) they won't force you but it is strongly encouraged. Most parents are happy to help with this minimal amount.

cte1111 wrote: »

That's exactly what we have been told by my son's Beaver group - one of us must be on the rota to help out with group. We didn't initially fill in that part of the form, so my husband was told that he had to help supervise the Remembrance Day parade. Since then they've asked again which of us will be doing our turn at the Beaver group.

I don't imagine skintchick would have any problems doing one session a term with the creche! That's only a token appearance, not helping to run the group.

I know from school clubs and the other groups I've been involved with that most parents want their children to have the benefit of the groups but rapidly exit when asked whether they will help. In any community, it's always the same small group of people who step up when there's a need.