Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

katglasgow

I hope the playdate went well skint chick. I am a member of a baptist church. Helping in the creche is all I can manage to do at the moment, My 2 kids are now at older sunday groups. I enjoy time with the babies and doing what I can to help the wider church family, I wish I could do more but feel a bit overwhelmed by life and work at the moment - I would hope this will change as my children get older and my job is more settled. In my church it is mostly people who don't have creche aged children who take on creche duty as we find it a pleasure to be with the little ones again and it's nice to know you are giving a young mum a chance to stay in church and hear the sermon.

I very much think of church as something we do together as a family. We all sing together for the first part of the service then the children have time together in small groups with children their own age (this probably amounts to half an hour). They have developed close relationships with their friends in these groups and enjoy this time, some of these friendships started in the creche and they are growing up together, these friendships will continue to develop over their teenage years.

skintchick

I'll give you all an update tomorrow. We had a church meeting here tonight and everyone has only just gone so it's too late to update you now.

jenhug

I think if it were me, I would be inclined to say to this woman, that you will not be putting your name forward for creche at this time, however, this gives us an exciting opportunity to invite others to join in with a new activity.

Create a newsletter and ask people to put their names down to volunteer for an area of the church that is currently lacking in helpers. You could have a little slip printed and put out at coffee time and set it out like so.

Name
Section volunteered for
How often would you be willing to volunteer? (weekly, monthly, once every 6 weeks, emergency cover only)?

Then, she can compile herself a nice list (hopefully) of people willing to help, which lets face it, some people would love the opportunity to help but often feel unable to ask, perhaps due to shyness, not wanting to interfere with an already working (in their eyes) system.

Hopefully she would have enough volunteers not to need you at all, at which time perhaps you could offer to be put down as a last reserve in case someone is unwell and unable to attend?

It seems to me that it is the perfect opportunity to encourage others to participate in the running of the church.

skintchick

Hello again

Right, well, the short story is that she bottled it. She arrived, we had a cuppa, and she started to turn the conversation to the creche, by talking about how her child is now able to go there without her, and I could see she was working her way up to THE ISSUE, when our children interrupted us and broke her thread.

Obviously I wasn't going to help her out, and she didn't try and get back to the subject, so I thought she'd wait till just before she left. THey definitely stayed longer than I thought they would, but she obviously wasn't able to find a way to bring it up so nothing was said.

This might seem like a result, but actually I now expect her OH to speak to me tomorrow at church, which won't be great.

But I intend to stick to my guns. I have spoken to my friend who also is not able to do it (for different reasons to me) and we both feel there are enough other people in the church as a whole who can do it.

in fact, she made a good point. When our children were dedicated (like christening but we do adult baptisms, no water usd on babies) the whole congregation stood and promised to help bring up our children in God's ways, so actually, doing creche would be a way of people fulfilling that promise to the parents in the church.

It did make for a slightly uncomfortable playdate, but I managed to talk a bit about how hard it has been for me and OH while I've been recovering for my op, and how we had almost no support from anyone in the church, so I'm hoping she might be rethinking her demands a bit in the light of that.

Obviously I'll let you know should anything else occur - I can't imagine they are just going to drop it, but stranger things have happened.

seashore22

Ahhhhhhh!

Just read your post and it all came flooding back. It's why I'm now a christian who doesn't go to church. Far too many ridiculous expectations, unfair pressures and emotional blackmail. I spent years and years doing things I neither wanted to do nor was any good at. By the end I became pretty good at saying "NO".

I feel for you and hope you can sort it out OP.

building_with_lego

skintchick wrote: »

... I managed to talk a bit about how hard it has been for me and OH while I've been recovering for my op, and how we had almost no support from anyone in the church, so I'm hoping she might be rethinking her demands a bit in the light of that.

I was hoping that you'd do that! A friend of mine broke her arm while her husband was working away and within days her church 'colleagues' had arranged a rota of covering her school runs and cooking dinners, and done it so well that I was very late to the party and, although I wanted to help, only ended up doing a couple of school runs. The lack of support you've had from your church since your op staggers me. I'm not part of any religious community but if one of the other parents from school, or a neighbour, were ill/ recovering I'm not the only person who would be asking how we could help. I wish you strength for your next encounter with Fred :cool:

skintchick

THanks building with lego.

Luckily I've had loads of support from my non-Christian friends since my surgery so things have been OK, but it's still very disappointing.

Am I evil in planning to organise Donna and Fred's meals rota after they have their baby in the summer, just to make them feel super-guilty...?

poet123

I do hope their names are not really Fred & Donna or they would be quite recognisable to others who know them!!

Brighton_belle

skintchick wrote: »

Am I evil in planning to organise Donna and Fred's meals rota after they have their baby in the summer, just to make them feel super-guilty...?

I'm liking your style.

Thanks for updating us skintchic. Well done for holding back from rescuing her. If Fred approaches you tomorrow, I would not be at all happy - inappropriate comes to mind and it would smack a little of a man who loves his 'spiritual' authority over women and a tad bullying if it distresses you. I hope you have practised what you will say to him so you aren't panicked into fluster mode. It's hard when you don't want to seen as unhelpful or a 'trouble maker' and value the imprtance of good relations in the church. Keep seeing yourself as demonstrating good principles of not being trampled on and it being ok to say no.
You could play him at his own game and ask him to speak directly to your DH, not yourself, as it sounds like you and DH are singing from the same hymn sheet. I would certainly ask him why he hadn't asked your DH and just you.
I remain convinced. if Donna would just ask, there will be others who would love to take a turn in the chreche but just need the little push of being asked but it will result in them feeling more part of the chuch family by being involved.

Well done for also rainsing the issue of lack of support. I really think that was important. Because a church is ultimately only as strong as the way people within it treat each other, and is usually a template for how they treat others outside the church.
It must be disappointing for you but I am glad to hear you are one of those Chiristains who are able to appreciate good people in your life outside of the church.

Brighton_belle

poet123 wrote: »

I do hope their names are not really Fred & Donna or they would be quite recognisable to others who know them!!

It's quite clear from the first post that these names are made up.