Need help with saying no to someone while not falling out

silvercar

poet123 wrote: »

I thought your husband was asked to do it if you couldn't/wouldn't ?

I just think that in Donna's shoes I would find it hard to ask all the parents to go on the rota if there was one parent who wasn't on it, and who refused to be on it.

Why, when that person is seen to be doing other duties?

It may well be a new thing, it may well need ratifying by your leadership, but if is a majority decision it is only fair that everyone who uses the service takes a turn, it makes it less of a chore for everyone that way. How many hours per month would it take from your other duties if you did your stint?

It isn't her stint, it is a job among many others, that need volunteers.

onlyroz

Brighton_belle wrote: »

It's not that children are excluded, it's just in these sort of churches, the sermon bit is a serious biblical teaching, which will mean following bible passages, and possibly even taking notes. And it is very dull for tiny ones, hence they are catered for in a creche where they will mave much more fun.

You see, my weekends are precious as it's the time that I get to properly spend time with my family. The idea of going off to do something separate to them on my precious sunday is just baffling.

Yorkie1

WestonDave's post really rang true for me.

If your pastor is not involved yet, then you really do need to speak to him.

The effect of Donna's request is one or more of the following:
- You have no weeks of purely receiving as a member of the congregation, because of the creche and worship rotas combined
- You have to drop some or all of the worship leading in order to participate in the creche rota
- Your younger child has to be with your OH and the older children if not able to be in creche - that's hardly a safe outcome for her as full attention to her won't be possible

Worship leading is not just something which people 'like to do', as many people on this thread have assumed. It is a gifting to be able to enable congregation members to worship God, and requires full-time concentration during the service as well as hours of careful preparation in advance.

If this situation persists, and your pastor is not prepared to support the fair distribution of burdens in his congregation, then perhaps it is time to consider prayerfully whether God is still calling you to be part of this church. That is always a painful decision to make, but your burnout spiritually - in addition to everything else you have going on at the moment - is far too important to risk.

poet123

silvercar wrote: »

Why, when that person is seen to be doing other duties?

Because to me it smacks of some people being able to pick what they want to do because they see other roles as more interesting or more important, or more their thing.

Perhaps this change has been mooted for that very reason; not enough people seeing the creche as "their thing" because they want to get away from childcare and be "free" of their kids for an hour or two.

If it exists it has to be fairly staffed imo and the fairest way of doing that is for the users to do it whilst their kids are young. It will be a short lived duty because as the children grow up the parents will cease to be obliged to do it.

silvercar wrote: »

It isn't her stint, it is a job among many others, that need volunteers.

If everyone else is on the rota, it would be her stint, just as others do their stint, that is, their turn.

Brighton_belle

onlyroz wrote: »

You see, my weekends are precious as it's the time that I get to properly spend time with my family. The idea of going off to do something separate to them on my precious sunday is just baffling.

. But any sunday school teacher is going to be removing themselves from their family for an hour if they are Christians (and their children are not of the right age), and therefore go as a family to church. I can see it would be part of teaching a child that serving God is also important, as long as along side that, good quality family time was also prioritised.
Even if you all stay together for the service, I would not see that as good quailty family time, as that section of the service is about teaching on an adult level. It's only for an hour and church life/the church family is the bedrock of evangelical Christians lives, not just an ad on extra.

guruchelles

Angela wrote: »

This is the exact statement that me give up being a guider parents treat it as cheap baby sitting.
Scout/Guide subs are for insurance/hall hire and materials.
LEADERS DONT GET PAID
I can see some people have never been volunteers in this thread.

I didn't say that Scout leaders get paid. I said that you pay for Scouts. Scouts (and Guides and all the rest) are entirely different to a toddler crèche in that they require passionate and talented people to run them, whereas a communal crèche simply requires somebody competent and sensible to be in the room with the babies and toddlers while the sermon (in this case) is being read. The OP was comparing her church crèche to Scouts and they are not comparable.

Please don't get personal towards me; for your information I spend a huge part of my week volunteering (running breastfeeding support groups) and have done for over a year.

nickyhutch

How often would you need to be on the rota?

System

I feel your pain. I went through much the same situation when was in church membership. Not so much the creche as i always took my turn looking after the little ones no question about that as i had little ones of my own.

There was church cleaning too which fell on me every 3rd week.

I even helped out every Thursday at Mother and Toddlers (sort of outreach event) but i knew i had to put my foot down when my youngest went to school. I felt that i was being pushed into continuing with Mother and toddlers when my time was better spent at home. For the first time i had all my children at school and i needed to start thinking about me. Then there were the various church meetings that i was expected to attend also.

They didnt seem to understand that even though i was managing my own 5 kids single handedly i struggled with church membership..... actually it wasnt the church membership i struggled with, it was the people.

I read:
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Where was the rest that i was being promised? It certainly wasnt being tied up in endless commitments and family life.

I got to the stage where hubby felt he was playing second fiddle on weekends. He was away all week and i only saw him weekends. He moaned when i left him to go to church.

I read:
Ephesians 5:22
Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.
At the time, everyone elses feelings came before my own or my husbands.

What i am saying is this.... sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say no!

KiKi

Hi OP

Typed long response; lost it. But my point was that I'm often in the same position with you - not on the creche front, but on other things. I also lead worship, and quite frankly that's enough on a Sunday morning with planning and then doing it all, let alone any other Sunday commitments. And then the mid week group I run, the HR support I give to our community projects, and I'm on the wider leadership team - I do a lot, and I don't have time to give to anything else.

I would quite simply say: "I know you're keen for me to be involved, and I appreciate that. But I've prayed about it, and I've thought about it, and I just can't commit to more responsibility at this time. I'm already involved in the worship group

, and those are the commitments I've made that I need to keep right now. You know how I've been called to the worship and prophetic group (or whatever) and I have to be obedient to that. I agreed initially because I know you were looking for people. But I have prayed about it, but it's just not something I can commit to doing. There are a lot of parents who are there, now, unofficially (not on the rota), so maybe they would be happy to help." If she's not happy about that - tough. In terms of relationships at church - that shouldn't be an issue. People will already know how much you do (and that you're in that 20% - which, trust me, ALL evangelical churches are like!!). And if anyone says anything, as I'm sure would be your stance anyway, don't be unkind about her, just say again "I know, but I prayed about it and I just can't take on any more commitments in church at the moment on top of what I'm already doing." That would be my take. And you're welcome in our church anytime if you're a 'do-er'!!

Nicki

Does your church have elders skinty or is it just run by the pastor and Fred? I'd always take something like this to the elders if it happened to me and just lay out how it was affecting me and ask for their guidance. If Donna has made this up and it hasn't come down from the leadership I am sure they would do what is needed to sort it out.

Are Donna and Fred the same couple who upset you recently on Facebook. If so, is your upset about that influencing how you feel about doing the crèche, or could your response to the Facebook thing be contributing to how they are behaving now? Do you all need to get together and clear the air about everything?