Am I too overprotective of my Son?

Spendless

Claire212 wrote: »

I am obviously going about my child raising all wrong.

From several of the posts many posters believe it is acceptable for children to do these things.

I do not advertise myself as a perfect parent with the view that everyone else is wrong.

I am not telling my son that other children have bad parents or slagging off the other kids. Mearly telling him that I do not accept that in my house. For example "I don't care if Freddies Mum and Dad let him play Call of Duty until 3 in the morning. You are not allowed".

I can not help but feel as though I am being made out to be the bad parent in all of this.....

We had to change schools due to moving house through work, so his friends have not moved up with him, although he stays in contact.

I will have to think this one through as it has not been the response I was expecting.

You edited this post since I replied, but your question was 'Am I being overprotective?' and the answer was 'possibly' from several people. We don't know the full story about what you do and don't allow, we can only go on what you have written.

I have a sis-in-law that is a stickler for age labels, so when my son was 11, she refused to buy him any age 12 rated games/dvds. Instead she bought him a tool set, a real one, including a claw hammer. Son is very good with his hands so sis-in-law thought he was capable of using it correctly. As no-one had stuck a label on it saying what age it was meant for, she used her own judgement. I went xmas shopping with her, she picked up a dvd I'd not seen with the words that 'Master Spendless will love this' later she refused to give him it as it had an age 15 rating. When she used her own common sense based on the child she knew and what she knew of the film it was suitable, once she saw a label in her mind it wasn't. Likewise, my son is v good at science, consequently he adores 'The Big Bang Theory'. I looked at the boxed sets at xmas, they were 15 rated, though some individual dvds were 12. I don't have a problem with my son watching them and the sexual innuendo that is in them, he has come home repeating worse from the playground.

VestanPance

I was brought up in a rough area and it pretty much was every man (boy) for himself through school.

Firstly half the things the kids say they are doing will be lies. Trying to be cool and in 12 year old terms that often means trying to say you are doing stuff you shouldn't be allowed like games or films that are rated 18 etc.

That said many of us did have access to these things from time to time and parents will judge what is acceptable or not for their child. For instance I don't see something like Call of Duty to be any different to kids running around with toy guns playing soldiers or cowboys and Indians, bar the fact you can no longer claim the bullet bounced off your imaginary helmet then ricocheted off a wall straight into your friends face!

Sadly while I despise violence I have to agree that bullies back off from those that fight back. I saw it a hundred times. Pick on the odd kid who doesn't fit in and they don't fight back they suffer years of abuse. Pick on the odd kid that doesn't fit in who does and they quickly back off. The last thing a bully wants is his reputation ruined by getting a kicking from one of the lesser kids.

The other option is be good at football. No matter how awkward or geeky a kid in my school was if they could play football they automatically got elevated to good guy status.

balletshoes

Claire212 wrote: »

I have an 11 year old son who started upper school in September. He has gone from a primary school of 300 children to a school with 1200. We knew it would be a big change for him but we knew he was polite, well behaved and we didn't think he would have a problem fitting in.

We couldn't have been more wrong. He has become the target of constant bullying and tends to tag along with other groups and only has one true friend. He has even been attacked on the way home from school requiring a visit to A&E.

The source of this bullying apparently is the fact that my son is not 'into' everything that his peers are and it would seem that despite trying to raise a polite well behaved child I have unwittingly made my son socially inept.

11/12 year old boys are apparently glued to X-Boxes and Playstation 3's playing 18 rated games with the blessing of their parents. They have unlimited access to you tube etc and are watching adult themed programmes with wild abandon. Parental Control is thrown out the window. It does not exist.

I should point out that we do live in an area with some social deprivation but we never thought that this could happen in a million years.

I have never allowed my son to play games that were not age appropriate and I do not allow him internet access un supervised. I certainly wouldn't want him watching anything sexually explicit. He is now coming home and asking me questions about things that he has heard at school.
He feels embarrassed that he doesn't know what they mean, and is experiencing the bullying/ teasing and social outcasting that goes with it.

Am I harming my son? Should I allow him to play on these games just to fit in? Shoud I allow him to watch !!!!!! on you tube or Keith Lemon with his bits out on a weeknight?

We expected the using swear words, it's natural and part of growing up. But this has quite frankly shocked me.

I would love to hear your views.

x

what kind of questions does he ask you, and what answers do you give him?

My daughter is also 11, in her first year of secondary school. She generally is sticking with people who are in her set-by-subject classes, so has a couple of friends she knew from primary school, and a few new ones from other schools. If she hears someone talking and doesn't know what they're talking about, she'll usually just smile and nod, then come home and ask me - and I'll be honest with her, and answer her questions honestly. She doesn't have xbox, but she does have access to the internet. She is in the same room as me when she's using the internet generally.

If the kind of questions your son is asking you is about sex, I think thats perfectly normal. He'll hear loads of kids talk (and boast, whether they are active or not) about sex at secondary school, it happened in my day and its still happening now.

No he doesn't need to be watching !!!!!! or 18-rated xbox games to fit in, he just needs to be more selective with the people he is trying to fit in with.

I hope you and the school are actively involved in dealing with the bullying, thats not acceptable.

bluenoseam

Person_one wrote: »

Violence = bad.

A hideously one sided & narrow view, violence isn't always bad, do not believe the hype, without violence in some situations no resolution is possible. For example do you think diplomacy was going to fix Nazism? Violence for the most part is usually the wrong way to solve the issue, but when it comes to bullying diplomacy does not work, the education system has time & again proven that it's an ineffective way to deal with the situation. Kid reports bully to teacher, teacher talks to bully, bully promises it'll stop then goes out of the meeting & next opportunity beats on the kid who reported it. If the bully is removed from one school they're sent to another where the cycle continues.

That's NOT a solution, that's merely a relocation of the problem - where as on the occasion that I lumped a bully it stopped the problem immediately. Time honored, proven to work - it's a bit like the old problem of nuclear bombs, the reason we only ever had to use them twice was because they made such an impact the fear it instilled made them a deterrent. If you fight back against a bully they know that you're no longer willing to take their nonsense, thus are not likely to engage again.

Hermia

Spendless wrote: »

Likewise, my son is v good at science, consequently he adores 'The Big Bang Theory'. I looked at the boxed sets at xmas, they were 15 rated, though some individual dvds were 12. I don't have a problem with my son watching them and the sexual innuendo that is in them, he has come home repeating worse from the playground.

I was a precocious little cinephile from a young age and my parents let me watch 18 films from about the age of 11. I think they figured that a nerdy kid who wanted to watch French art-house movies probably wasn't going to mindlessly act out everything they watched!

Person_one

bluenoseam wrote: »

A hideously one sided & narrow view, violence isn't always bad, do not believe the hype, without violence in some situations no resolution is possible. For example do you think diplomacy was going to fix Nazism? Violence for the most part is usually the wrong way to solve the issue, but when it comes to bullying diplomacy does not work, the education system has time & again proven that it's an ineffective way to deal with the situation. Kid reports bully to teacher, teacher talks to bully, bully promises it'll stop then goes out of the meeting & next opportunity beats on the kid who reported it. If the bully is removed from one school they're sent to another where the cycle continues.

That's NOT a solution, that's merely a relocation of the problem - where as on the occasion that I lumped a bully it stopped the problem immediately. Time honored, proven to work - it's a bit like the old problem of nuclear bombs, the reason we only ever had to use them twice was because they made such an impact the fear it instilled made them a deterrent. If you fight back against a bully they know that you're no longer willing to take their nonsense, thus are not likely to engage again.

Nice Godwin there! The violence used to prevent greater violence is sometimes necessary but never good.

The OP's son is old enough to be charged with assault, suggesting that its ok for him to start hitting and beating up other children as retaliation for name calling and exclusion is wrong on many many levels.

Dumbe

Op... I don't think you are being over protective.. Just a good parent.

The games etc are rated that way for a reason and 11 is still a child.. I am to be honest a little horrified by some of the opinions that think an 11 year old should be allowed to watch and play 15 rated programming ( never mind 18's stuff)

Maybe as has already been suggested particularly as he is essentially the new kid in he area some clubs would be a good idea... He could then make friends with those with common interests ( who probably go to the same school so he will find a group)

Also speak to the school.

VestanPance

bluenoseam wrote: »

I'm only speaking though looking at the difference between myself & my eldest nephew who is 12 years my junior. At his age I was going down the town or into Glasgow on my own to concerts and suchlike, but he on the other hand still requires a lift to cadets for example. He's significantly more niave than I was at that age & does not have the same freedoms I did because his Mum fears that he'll get hurt. Might be a bit odd, but my Mum was less worried about me getting hurt & more worried that I'd be that guy who left home at 18 without knowing how to live!

I find this sort of thing interesting as I feel most kids these days have far less freedom than I did as a kid.

Although I think my mum was more concerned about me being the cause of trouble than me getting hurt! :rotfl:

Joons

It's all very well saying hitting back is bad etc but sometimes even as a kid you have to stand up for yourself. I was bullied a lot for wearing specs and I did stand up for myself, it would have been constant if I hadn't - a bully loves to see a weak person, someone shying away etc, it's their perfect victim. No, you shouldn't use violence, sometimes verbal abuse can be just as effective. If all avenues have been exhausted then I reckon I'd be quite happy if my kid hit back at a bully.

benwilliamsuk

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