Am I too overprotective of my Son?

Claire212

I have an 11 year old son who started upper school in September. He has gone from a primary school of 300 children to a school with 1200. We knew it would be a big change for him but we knew he was polite, well behaved and we didn't think he would have a problem fitting in.

We couldn't have been more wrong. He has become the target of constant bullying and tends to tag along with other groups and only has one true friend. He has even been attacked on the way home from school requiring a visit to A&E.

The source of this bullying apparently is the fact that my son is not 'into' everything that his peers are and it would seem that despite trying to raise a polite well behaved child I have unwittingly made my son socially inept.

11/12 year old boys are apparently glued to X-Boxes and Playstation 3's playing 18 rated games with the blessing of their parents. They have unlimited access to you tube etc and are watching adult themed programmes with wild abandon. Parental Control is thrown out the window. It does not exist.

I should point out that we do live in an area with some social deprivation but we never thought that this could happen in a million years.

I have never allowed my son to play games that were not age appropriate and I do not allow him internet access un supervised. I certainly wouldn't want him watching anything sexually explicit. He is now coming home and asking me questions about things that he has heard at school.
He feels embarrassed that he doesn't know what they mean, and is experiencing the bullying/ teasing and social outcasting that goes with it.

Am I harming my son? Should I allow him to play on these games just to fit in? Shoud I allow him to watch !!!!!! on you tube or Keith Lemon with his bits out on a weeknight?

We expected the using swear words, it's natural and part of growing up. But this has quite frankly shocked me.

I would love to hear your views.

x

Velcro_Hotdog

In my opinion OP you are bringing up a cracking little boy

My other opinion might not go down to well here but it’s just an opinion

Bullies are scum, your lad needs to hit them hard and hit them first. One on one so they don’t have their mates to back them up, it’s the only way they will learn. Your son doesn’t have to become a thug himself he just needs to show them he won’t stand for their actions and that if they bully him again they will get a beating.

Person_one

Velcro_Hotdog wrote: »

In my opinion OP you are bringing up a cracking little boy

My other opinion might not go down to well here but it’s just an opinion

Bullies are scum, your lad needs to hit them hard and hit them first. One on one so they don’t have their mates to back them up, it’s the only way they will learn. Your son doesn’t have to become a thug himself he just needs to show them he won’t stand for their actions and that if they bully him again they will get a beating.

Terrible terrible advice.

I was the nerdy kid at school OP, also in an area with a fair amount of deprivation. It wasn't always easy but he doesn't need to join them to beat them. Are there clubs either in or outside school where he might meet children more like himself? Computer clubs, chess clubs, drama clubs, maybe he could start to learn a musical instrument?

A few good friends make a huge difference, and remember, the geeks shall inherit the earth!

Velcro_Hotdog

Person_one wrote: »

Terrible terrible advice.

It wasn't advice, it was my opinion like I said

tyllwyd

It's really difficult without knowing you and your son to know whether he is overprotected. It is tough when they go up to secondary school and suddenly the atmosphere changes overnight. My DD struggled with the change and lost a lot of confidence. How strict are you - without giving permission for watching !!!!!! and playing 18 rated games, do you think you should be relaxing the rules a bit and letting him watch programmes that would have been out of the question when he was a primary school pupil? And have you spoken to the school about the situation?

heartbreak_star

I'd agree with trying to get him to some clubs outside of school. What are his interests? Are there clubs nearby?

Many libraries have reading clubs, most dance/gymnastics classes will take boys on, is there a local team sport he could take up? Karate or kickboxing for confidence and fitness? Have a chat to him about hobbies - find out if there's anything he's dying to have a go at.

EDIT: Just seen the post above mine - maybe it is time for relaxing a few rules. When I was 12/13, all my friends had seen Dirty Dancing and I was sad I hadn't. I had a chat to my mum, and she agreed I could watch it after explaining why it was rated 15. Communication is key, even if it feels like none is happening!

Sounds like you're doing a good job hun. As one of my cheerleaders once said "I mix with the people at school because I have to. I mix with the squad because I want to."

HBS x

Claire212

Hi,

My son does go to after school activities, he goes freerunning and Kickboxing, this has little effect as no children are there from school. It breaks my heart to see him come home from school everyday so unhappy as something else has happened.

Unfortunately the school are powerless (Despite constantly giving us the 'zero tollereance' rubbish) and we have learned previously not to involve the police.

tyllwyd, while I don't consider myself too strict I don't think I want him watching anything that the children at school seem to do. It is not so much letting him watch more adult programmes. He watches One born Every minute with me and asks questions that I am happy to answer, it is more that children are watching specific programmes that I find too explicit for an 11 year old. x

heartbreak_star

It's more about him mixing with kids who aren't from school, so none of them being there is good.

I just kept telling myself "it's only a few years, then no more school" and kept my head down while concentrating on my hobbies outside of school (of which I still have 2 now, dancing and roleplaying).

I wish I knew what else to say (other than freerunning is ace!)

HBS x

peachyprice

Are there any other activities in the area that you know older children from the school got to, Scouts or the like?

My DD is a very young for her age nerdy type, who thankfully has gravitated towards similar children at school, she finds it a great confidence boost when the older girls from ballet and Guides come and say hi to her if they see her in school, it really does shut up some of the 'not so nice' girls when they find out she has cool friends.

Please don't change the way you are brining him up, by all mean let him watch a few programmes that are a little adult, but there's no need for him to be watching !!!!!! or playing 18 games, especially as it sound like he wouldn't like them anyway. There's nothing wrong with being a good boy, I'm always getting comments, from lots of different people, about how refreshing it is to meet an 11yo girl who is happy being 11 and isn't trying to be 16.

thunderbird

Sounds like you are doing a fine job with your son.


However, please realise that even if you don't let him watch inappropriate programmes or videos at home you sadly have no control over what he watches at school (on phones etc). I find it really sad to see children being exposed to so much so young too (I admit I am probably overprotective).

It seems that your son does need some strategies for dealing with the bullies, but I am not sure what they would be. I would not condone any physical violence! (unless if was in defence).

Mojisola

Claire212 wrote: »

Unfortunately the school are powerless (Despite constantly giving us the 'zero tollereance' rubbish) and we have learned previously not to involve the police.

This makes me so cross - the school is not powerless - inept, ineffective or unwilling to challenge the bullies, maybe, but not powerless!

I wouldn't be sending him back to school if things are this bad. Would you keep going into work if you were assaulted every day?