Am I too overprotective of my Son?

Lunar_Eclipse

From what you have said, I don't think you are too over protective. Transition to senior school is a time for change and growing up though.

There are two separate issues which need to be addressed.

Firstly, how you parent your son. I would aim for balance here, as you help him achieve more independence, but would not lower the bar. My Y8 child has just started staying up to watch Miranda at 9pm on Monday nights. This is after her bedtime, but all her friends watch it (maybe they do, maybe they don't: it doesn't really matter) and discuss it at school the next day which led to her feeling excluded and embarrassed. Interestingly she didn't mention it until one night when she asked if she could stay up to watch it. It was a reasonable request and we have no issue with the programme content. However, if all her friends started playing 18 rated games, we wouldn't budge in the slightest since I don't think that is reasonable nor appropriate.

In terms of the bullying, I would do some research, discuss coping mechanisms with your son and talk to his tutor at school about it, if only so they are aware and can keep an eye out. Obviously you could also ask for their help/input.

Also, it's still early days. He needs to find some like minded friends, which could happen this term or might not happen until the beginning of next school year (judging by experience of DD1's cohort.) There will be some, so he should be fine.

cheepskate_2

The source of this bullying apparently is the fact that my son is not 'into' everything that his peers are and it would seem that despite trying to raise a polite well behaved child I have unwittingly made my son socially inept.


OP You sound a bit holier than though, Your attitude seems like.......If parents allow their kids to play 18 computer games and watch Keith Lemon, then they are bad parents and even badder children.

Do you get on with everyone you meet, or do you like some and not others. Exactly the same in school, How we get on with people is usually due to our shared interest etc.As your son has less shared interests then the pool of people that he will click with is smaller.

Just as a little aside for when your kid is 16. He will be able to openly (not literally) have sex with any 16 year old girl that catches his eye, but at least you can still monitor his computer games:)

Purleygirl

I am very sorry for you and for your son, it is a horrible situation. You must feel as if you're throwing him into the lion's den every morning. My son was also bullied and it took a change of school for things to work out. I would agree with some of the other posts that getting him into something outside school would be good, something to build up his confidence, would he enjoy martial arts? Drama? Fencing? Having to take your son to A&E is unbelievably stressful, I just can't imagine what was going through your mind at the time. You must be so angry and frustrated. I have heard of people going to their solicitor (if the school does nothing) and sending a warning letter to the parents that if the abuse doesn't stop they will take legal action. I can understand that you don't want your son exposed to all the vulgarity that's out there, as for Keith Lemon, is he supposed to be funny? Carry on in the way that you think is appropriate to rear your son. Have you contacted the school again? How is he about going to school at this stage? I hope the school is sympathetic but if the bullying carries on, maybe you should look at other options, change of school? home schooling? My heart goes out to you.

Hermia

tyllwyd wrote: »

How strict are you - without giving permission for watching !!!!!! and playing 18 rated games, do you think you should be relaxing the rules a bit and letting him watch programmes that would have been out of the question when he was a primary school pupil?

OP - I generally think you are in the right and wish more parents would keep an eye on what their kids watch. I think the level of bullying your son is facing is dreadful. I do think the comment above is worth thinking about though re: how strict are you. I work with teens and have met families where the parents won't even let the teenage child read YA fiction or watch any films that are not 'family' films. You end up with this strange situation where you have a worryingly innocent child in an adult's body. In the case of girls I actually think it can be dangerous as I know of some situations where over-protected girls have got into trouble because they didn't understand what the other person was talking about. Being savvy is a useful skill for youngsters. When I was 11 my parents started to let me watch edgier comedies and films, but my dad would often watch them with me and discuss them with me.

thatlemming

I was that nerdy kid at school, with different hobbies etc and was slightly sheltered (my mum sounds fairly similar to you) and so got bullied. It got better when I found a group of similar quiet, nerdy, smart kids, and we'd all stand up for each other.

In a school of 1200 he will find a group, it's just finding it can take a while, I put up with 2 years of hell before I made my friends in year 9.

Just make sure he's supported at home and knows your there for him and just encourage him to do stuff outside school, I'm still friends with people from outside school clubs but not so much from people from school.

Claire212

Actually, cheepskate. I DO think that letting 11 year olds play 18 games and watching inaproppriate televison makes people not so much bad parents but irresponsible ones.

When he is old enough to have sex at 16 I hope that he has the confidence to ask questions to responsible adults and not take advice via the medium of explict trash televison and Keith Lemon's extrovert character. But before that day comes he will have become a teenager. Where he can learn more about life. But at the moment he is 11!

Hermia

Purleygirl wrote: »

I can understand that you don't want your son exposed to all the vulgarity that's out there, as for Keith Lemon, is he supposed to be funny?

The popularity of Keith Lemon completely baffles me! Comedy is a difficult one to deal with at school because it is such a big part of of secondary school. When I went to school we all sat around endlessly talking about Blackadder and Red Dwarf in our breaks. An older generation could no doubt recite every Monty Python sketch when they were teens. I know teens who act out the whole of The Mighty Boosh in their lunch breaks. I imagine it must be hard to not be a part of that.

bluenoseam

I think you might perhaps be a little over protective, allow me to explain. While I agree with your stance with games (as a responsible retailer for a long time, I wish more parents would take this view) but I believe that a good parent knows when to allow their child to "explore" the world. It sounds very much like you are focused on avoiding him turning into a little scumbag - but by the same measure somewhat stunting his natural growth towards adolescence.

Kids are supposed to explore things & push boundaries - I know it's unpopular, but ultimately for centuries humans have grown up to understand things through experimentation. The sad truth is that "modern parenting" often means wrapping kids up in cotton wool & creating as sterile an environment as possible, which in turn creates a very niave child.

I'm not saying let him go off & spend the next 4 years of his life watching !!!!!!, listening to death metal & all that - but what I would say is that at 11 you should start to allow him significantly more freedom. Perhaps it's because I was brought up in a way where I was taught right from wrong at a very early age but as a pre-teen into my teenage years I never remember my Mum being restrictive. Knowing the right from wrong allowed me to decide things of my own free will, but also allowed me to grow up in such a manner where if it wasn't a black & white case, I'd go ahead & find out if it was right or wrong myself. It never did me any serious harm & ultimately I'm perfectly capable of being an upstanding member of the community (equally capable where required of being 100% evil I hasten to add!).

As you can see he's getting a bit of stick for not being as....ballsy as other kids (can't really put a word on what I mean here), allow him some freedom to grow up as nature intended & see how things go. Yes I know you just want the best for your son, but you can't have that at the detriment of him being niave. Much as most of you mothers will hate this, you do realise that by the age of 13 most of your Sons will have experienced !!!!!! right? Doesn't turn MOST of us into delusional maniacs in the same way playing Call of Duty doesn't make MOST of us want to go and shoot people. All you can do is teach him to respect that life will throw you experiences and it's all about knowing what's a "constructive" experience & what's a "destructive" experience. Think like this - how do most of us understand where the limit of our drinking is? We learn because at some point we were dim enough to go out & get plastered & woke up the next morning suffering consequences!

rpc

cheepskate wrote: »

Just as a little aside for when your kid is 16. He will be able to openly (not literally) have sex with any 16 year old girl that catches his eye, but at least you can still monitor his computer games:)

So refusing to break the law now means that OP and their child will be unable to follow the law later in life?

Watching 18 movies and playing 18 rated games is not a prerequisite for a healthy sexual relationship.

Spendless

I could have written a very similar post last year, my son had similar problems due to not fitting in (for diff reasons than you state). Following us finding 2 pages of bullying instances in his planner, name calling, property damaged as well as an assault during school hols that was filmed, we sought a appt with HoY and his form teacher. As a result son was given some weekly 1-2-1 sessions with a lady that came into school (I don't know her official title). The result has been fantastic. DS learned how to handle confrontation. Nowadays if he is called a geek or a nerd he either ignores or agrees with them, saying 'yep, I'm aware I am' with a laugh. Someone shouted something crude at him one day when I was with him and because DS ignored it, I actually thought the local xxxxhead was shouting to someone else. It has made for a lot happier and more confident child and I am just starting to see the very, very beginnings of new friendships forming. Mine is just a year older than yours, aged 12 in yr 8, so fingers crossed for you that you get something sorted.