Am I too overprotective of my Son?

kj*daisy

I've not read the whole thread so this may have been said, but there is scientific evidence from brain scans that playing violent video games does affect the way children's brains work, and this can be a long term effect. I have shown my 11 year old this, and said that it why he won't be playing 18's. I have explained once you have seen some images you can't unsee them. I do however let him play some 16 games, I'd rather not but that has been my concession to the peer pressure, also they are not bloody gory games, but more tactical ones. He knows I say no to some games and films, his freinds respect that and he doesn't get bullied because of it, they think I'm too strict but don't pick on my son as a result. I would say the problem is with your sons school and would seriously look at moving him somewhere different. When there has been problems on the way home from my sons school, they have been down like a ton of bricks on the children involved, they just don't get away withit. I hope you can sort this for him, it must be heartbreaking, take care.

kingfisherblue

I haven't read the whole thread, but reading about the OP and her son sounded just like us. My youngest son (13, in Year 8) is a bit of a geek/nerd (not sure of the diffference ). He enjoys flying model helicopters, making Airfix models, origami, reading. I am quite strict over age restrictions, using the internet, etc - although I pick my arguments and allow some flexibility. For example, I won't allow any 18 rated films, but I will allow some 15 rated films depending on why they are rated 15 (bad language, but not lots of violence).

Not long after starting secondary school, he became a target for the school bullies, one lad in particular taking the lead.

I went into school every day that there had been any incidents. I sat and waited until a member of the senior management team was able to see me. I wouldn't budge. One day there was nobody to see me, but there was a police officer on the premises. We saw her instead. She was quite shocked that this had been going on for a year, and that it had not been stopped. I had requested that the parents be called in before, but to my knowledge this had never happened. the same regarding the LEA.

The police officer told us that we could apply for an anti-harrassment order. I requested that the child's parents were informed first, but that if it continued, we would be applying for one. I was reluctant to do this straight away, as I didn't feel as though the child's parents had had a chance to sort it out.

The child was told the following day that he could end up with a criminal record. He was also told that his parents had been contacted and given the same information. The apretns declined to come into school because of work commitments, but the poolice officer was able to talk to them over the phone.

Since then, there has been an occasional comment towards my son. Again I went into school and I reminded them that I could and would take legal action if the school did not keep my child safe. There have been no more incidents now since October.

My advice is to contact school on every occasion. Keep a diary of events. Get a copy of the schools Anti-Bullying Policy and their Complaints Procedure. Contact the LEA. Contact the police if you feel that it will be helpful. Consider an Anti-Harrassment Order if nothing else seems to work.

Keep reassuring your child. He is not to blame, but his self esteem is likely to drop drastically. You might want to contact Kidscape, or tell your son about Childline if he wants to talk about it to someone who is not emotionally involved.

Most of all, let your son know that he is loved and that he can come to you with any concerns, and that you will pursue all avenues until it is stopped - then pursue those avenues.

It is really tough on you as well as your lad, but it can be sorted out.

Good luck x

cheepskate_2

CH27 wrote: »

Is there any need to be so harsh?

Harsh......The OP already stated in her 1st post that he only had the one friend in school . The post was about the OP making huge assumptions about his classmates parents so it was a fact that went with a statement.

make_me_wise

It only takes for one person to know someone really well, for a genuinely deserved bad reputation to become well known.

Claire212

Yes, my son has only made one good friend at this school.

However cheepskate this does not make the information my son gives me unreliable.

The other children mock him for not watching or playing these games. They openly admit they are allowed to play them and show the scores on the internet. They have Ipads and Iphones IN SCHOOL which they store videos of many explicit things they have uploaded, with constant access to the internet. So, and forgive me if I am wrong, if the parents were oblivious to this then they would not have access to the games/phones/internet in the first place? After all they buy them these things I assume.

Or is that just me?

balletshoes

Claire212 wrote: »

Yes, my son has only made one good friend at this school.

However cheepskate this does not make the information my son gives me unreliable.

The other children mock him for not watching or playing these games. They openly admit they are allowed to play them and show the scores on the internet. They have Ipads and Iphones IN SCHOOL which they store videos of many explicit things they have uploaded, with constant access to the internet.
So, and forgive me if I am wrong, if the parents were oblivious to this then they would not have access to the games/phones/internet in the first place? After all they buy them these things I assume.

Or is that just me?

the parents might be oblivious - they might have a different idea of what "explicit" is as well.

My daughter has a phone with internet access, and an ipad - she's not into games and I don't really know your definition of explicit videos, so don't know if my daughter would have watched anything that you consider explicit. I have the passwords and log-ins for everything she has internet access to, and she knows that I will and do monitor what she's up to online (at the moment it seems to be lot of watching anything remotely connected with One Direction :cool:). Actually thats a point - music channel videos can be very explicit, and yet the vast majority of them are aired before 9pm.

By the way - Waterloo Road is on at 8pm on a Thursday night - now, having watched a couple of episodes of that with my daughter recently, I'd say a fair amount of that is explicit (not to mention rubbish storylines, but I digress ) - but thats apparently acceptable viewing for youngsters.

My daughter also watches Miranda and Mrs Browns Boys - she thinks both are hilarious even though there is swearing etc in the shows. She knows what swearing is, she knows she's not allowed to do it, and she doesn't swear around me or any other adult.

sassyblue

cheepskate wrote: »

Who mentioned !!!!!! films, New one to this thread

Really? The OP did in her first post.

Claire212 wrote:

Shoud I allow him to watch !!!!!! on you tube or Keith Lemon with his bits out on a weeknight?

cheepskate_2

Claire212 wrote: »

Yes, my son has only made one good friend at this school.

However cheepskate this does not make the information my son gives me unreliable.

The other children mock him for not watching or playing these games. They openly admit they are allowed to play them and show the scores on the internet. They have Ipads and Iphones IN SCHOOL which they store videos of many explicit things they have uploaded, with constant access to the internet. So, and forgive me if I am wrong, if the parents were oblivious to this then they would not have access to the games/phones/internet in the first place? After all they buy them these things I assume.

Or is that just me?

Maybe that is part of the problem. You assuming quite a bit. You seem to have built up this thing about the parents without even knowing them.
Whether it seems this way because of the bullying or because they allow their kids on computer games, that you have huge views on. But it comes across as very judgmental based on what YOU think is good parenting.

Yes your child is getting bullied, No it should not be happening (altho as human nature it will never be stopped) but to blame it on bad parenting because they allow games is really silly. By blanking everything and concentrating on these terrible parents, stops you looking at the situation clearly. As someone else said, maybe the remarks about the games hides a lot of what the bullying is really about.

You know OP , you are quite ok about your child swearing at you.........For me this is a definite NO. and would probably be near the top of my list of things that I would have Zero tolerance on . But then again, that is what parenting is all about, It is about how each person defines parenting.
Accepting different parenting styles and that yours is not the only way/or only right way to do things.

Sezzagirl

Hi Claire

it does sound like you and your son are really going through it at the moment and I do feel for you.

I have two boys, now in years 11 and 9, and the time at senior school has been a steep learning curve - for me!

Firstly, regarding the bullying, I think the advice Kingerfisherblue has posted is excellent. The school should be dealing with this. Keep a diary of incidents, contact the senior team at the school and persist with it.

I just discussed this thread with my 16 year old and asked him how prevelent the things discussed, especially watching unsuitable adult stuff on youtube and playing games is and he seems to think it is not all the kids, despite what the media would have us believe.

From your last post, I wonder if your son has become entangled with some particularly vocal kids who take great pleasure in showing off. If there is a way of seperating them and him, I wonder if that would help. Are they in his form or teaching group (at our school these are different) or is he coming across them elsewhere. If it his form, ask if he can change. If his teaching group, have they been put into sets yet? It sounds like maybe they would not be at the same level of work!
If he comes across the elsewhere, then he is going to need to take some action to avoid them where ever possible.

Although, to an extent, I agree that even if he did play all the games and watch everything they do, there will always be something they can find to pick on - even the fact he is a "good kid" will count against him in the eyes of the "Chavs" (according to 16yr old!)

As to how much we can protect them from influences on TV and other media, this is where it gets harder for us Mums! As they grow up, we do have to start to give them more freedom - having first put in place the values we hope will stick with them!
I haven't really restricted my boys access to the internet (they are much smarter than me and would get past any barrier I put up I'm sure) but they don't instantly dive into anything they shouldn't. They are much more interested in puzzle solving and world building games than looking at rude stuff
TV-wise, Once they get to senior school,I tend towards before the water-shed (9pm) is probably ok, after the water-shed, well not yet!!

I think what I am saying is that you've given your son the strong moral guidence to get him this far. Now, it's time to support him as he grows up to put this guidence into action

2 last points. My 14 yr old made a group of friends when he was put into abiliy sets and got to know people who were "his type" My 16 yr old had lots of aquaintences at senior school but not really any close friends until yrs10 and 11 so don't worry if your son hasn't made lots of freneds yet

Finally, and this is a really personal thing so I hesitate to mention, especially as I think you have mentioned that it hapens but not your reaction to it, I won't have my kids swear at all. Not under their breath or to my face. End of! But that's my standard and I know is very different for other people

Good luck, I hope you can get the bullying sorted because in few years, your handsome, clever, respected son could be the one introducing you to new things - Big Bang Theory anyone?

Claire212

cheepskate wrote: »

Maybe that is part of the problem. You assuming quite a bit. You seem to have built up this thing about the parents without even knowing them.
Whether it seems this way because of the bullying or because they allow their kids on computer games, that you have huge views on. But it comes across as very judgmental based on what YOU think is good parenting.

Yes your child is getting bullied, No it should not be happening (altho as human nature it will never be stopped) but to blame it on bad parenting because they allow games is really silly. By blanking everything and concentrating on these terrible parents, stops you looking at the situation clearly. As someone else said, maybe the remarks about the games hides a lot of what the bullying is really about.

My son is being bullied because of these games, and the social implications they have. Perhaps you should re read my original post and you may hopefully see the point I am trying to make.

He is being bullied because the kids in his school see it as social order. If you don't watch 18 films you can't hang around with them. Watch this dirty video, if you don't you must be gay. I could go on.

Yes, he could get bullied for anything, like having on the wrong trainers, but he isn't.

Sorry if it sounds judgemental to you, you certainly have an opinion about letting children watch whatever they want whenever they want. As is your right. It is also my entitlement to think that watching 18 rated and explicit things is not the best thing for my 11 year old and to think that I am doing the best for him. You have judged me for being too strict, overprotective and assume that I believe I am the high and mighty parent who can do no wrong, judging others for their parental strategy. I must stress that what others let their children watch is their concern. But please don't let your child bully my child because he doesn't watch the things that they do.

If you could spare the time. Could you please let me know the pro's of letting children watch this material and how, as a parent YOU think it helps your child to grow into a polite well rounded individual, or are parents just going with the flow to stop their children being bullied? If allowing them to watch these things is just a parenting choice, then they must be responsible for how it makes their child behave.
You are 100% entitled to your opnion. I am just not too sure what your argument is.