Am I too overprotective of my Son?

Claire212

Thank you for all the replies. I seem to have divided the camp so to speak. However, I understand that I can't protect my son forever, but I don't want him to stop being 11 just yet. The fact that it makes him different does bother me, it is worrying that he will continue to be bullied.

It just baffles me that not only are you now judged on how you look, but what you do, and some parents have accepted it as the norm and just go with the flow and let things go because they want their child to be socially accepted.

I worry though with that attitude at what age would it be considered wrong to let a child have unlimited access to the internet, games and explicit lyrics in songs. 7? 5?

I guess that is another thread. Lol.

mrcow

I don't think the kids you are referring to are particularly normal though.

My son is 11 too (as are all his friends). They don't watch !!!!!! or talk about it. A couple have played call of duty - but they are in the minority and it was a bit of a passing phase. They are all pretty much obsessed by Minecraft as a game and all have pretty "healthy" hobbies like football, karate or Scouts etc.

None of them would dream of swearing in front of me. They'd be mortified at the thought! And this isn't just 1-2 kids - this is pretty much all of his closer friends in his class (say 8-10 kids).

Surely I can't be living in that much of a bubble.

On the flip side, I work in a secondary school (girls only though) and the vast majority of kids there are just lovely too. They are normal kids that don't go round watching !!!!!! or 18 rated movies.

Don't change what you're doing. But do try and encourage better friendships for your son. And do speak to the school about the bullying issues and get them to follow it up.

Claire212

cheepskate wrote: »

Op why would you allow your child to play games to fit in.......Would that also include letting him watch the animal !!!!!! that the other kids are watching. ,
You learn your child to find friends where he is accepted for who he is., not to hang onto this group that are bullying him. To say"I will let you play COD to fit in , will send the wrong message to him"
It wouldn't even cross my mind to allow my child to swear to fit into a one of the groups he goes to, or to become like the bully to fit in

Parenting is hard, finding the right balance and letting the reigns loosen a little bit is hard as well.
Have you actually had a sit down with your little man and had a chat on what he would like etc

I wouldn't. That's the point. But I asked how many would. I don't let him play any of those games and will not. Not until they are age appropriate. It was a question. However, it is plain to see how many people do let their children play these games.

My son plays on the X-box. But age appropriate games. Of course he says that he would like to play Call of Duty and Battlefield 3. It's the easy way out. But I will not buy him games that are too old for him.

Sometimes asking your child what they want and giving it to them is another easy option. He will always choose not to be bullied. Thus play the games and watch the rude videos when someone in school puts it on.

You may say you would never compromise your child just to fit in, but it has to be your choice to buy the game. Are you really doing that because your 11 year old wants to pretend to shoot people with guns, because that's what he really wants? What I am saying is that you choose to allow your children access to these games. No one can know the reason but you. But what would happen if you said no? Would it have been the end of the world or would he have gone off and done something else.

My son wants to go out on his scateboard. To me that is fine. So even though he will always say yes to the 18 games. It is me who refuses to buy them. I'm not having a go. I realise this is an argument of many sides.

The day my son comes up to me and says he wants to pretend to be a Zombie Hunter then I may pehaps think about bending the rules. But he never has. Infact I think you would be hard pressed to ask any 11 year old boy why they want Call of Duty in the first place and not get the answer "because it's awesome and all my mates are playing it."

So really is everyone doing it to fit in?

Just a thought.
:j

Blackpool_Saver

uuuugh school, a horrible place where you have to pretend to be common so you don't get bullied......

cheepskate_2

Op kids everywhere want to do what their pals are doing, No different to wanting a skateboard so you can go out and play with your pal, to, wanting COd so you and your pal can shoot em up together.
Friends usually share the same interest.....Would be a bit difficult if you were not allowed to copy them at some point

Giraffeseeker

I haven't read all the thread, but as a Mum of an 11 and a 14 year old, and as a secondary school teacher, here's my views...

My eldest changed schools in year 3 and had a hard time adapting to making new friends - it has never come naturally to him. As a result he has always valued his friends very highly and felt awkward around new people. As his friendship group grew and changed in the move to secondary school he relied on his old friends to bring new friends into the circle and to keep him in there too. I wasn't too keen to get him an xBox in year 7, but I did and it has revolutionised things for my boy. Talking to boys from his school while playing a common game means (a) they have a focus so no need to make small-talk etc and (b) one to one time (albeit online) with a range of kids at different points cements relationships in a way that being at school face to face in a larger group does not. He is 14 now (15 later this year) and these friendships have now moved beyond the virtual into the real world, with cinema trips, DVD nights, going to gigs, etc being arranged between the boys - and these arrangements tend to be made while chatting on xBox.

He was 12 when he got the xBox and I allowed him 15 certificate games, partly because his friends did, partly because my partner's son is older and so he had access to them when we frequently stayed at their house, but mainly because I know my son is intelligent and sensible and knows the difference between the virtual world of a game and real life (and even I could see that the 12 certificate games were a bit "young" for him). Children mature at different rates and to me, the certificates seem to be based on the lowest level of maturity for that age group. He's now heading for 15 and is allowed 18 certificate games for all the same reasons.

In terms of films, he is a horror/thriller film fanatic and NOTHING freaks him out or gives him nightmares. My judgement on whether he can see a film is based on me seeing it usually, or from reviews I trust. When he was younger (ie 13) I would let him see a 15 certificate horror (because I know he can handle it) but I wouldn't let him see many 15 certificate comedies, because I felt the themes were too adult. He has now seen one or two 18 certificate films. I am a bit of a film buff too so we watch a diverse range of films together, or I recommend them to him. The first 15 cert film he watched was The Shining - what self respecting horror film fan could not love that?

Really I think what you allow and do not allow depends on your child. In the classroom I will be guided by age certificates because I have a diverse range of levels of maturity in the room, but with my own children I will use my own judgement. When none of his mates are on xBox, my son will find QI or Film 2012 (2013 now!) or sometimes even Question Time on catch-up and watch them - and has done this since year 7 - so is quite mature and well informed. My younger son is less mature and I tend to stick more to the age certificates with him.

Really, as a parent, only you can say if a game or film is too old for your child, as every child is different. I had a recent complaint from a parent that a film I showed had scared her daughter and given her nightmares. Her daughter was 16 and in year 11. The film was Woman in Black which is a 12A (and my son watched this in class in year 8!).

lika_86

Age ratings are a load of crap. They should be regarded as guidance not gospel.

Interestingly, it seems age ratings on films are getting more cautious, probably because of overzealous parents and coddled children. On Christmas they showed Aladdin on tv, in the paper it said it's rated PG, I couldn't believe that a Disney film wasn't a U. Dug out our old VHS copy circa early 1990s and it used to be a U! However, a nature documentary was given a U rating and presumably contained more real life peril than a cartoon. Mental.

daisiegg

Is there really !!!!!! on YouTube? I didn't think that was allowed!

Also I have no idea who Keith Lemon is. Clearly I am less down with the kids than I had hoped...

I work in a girls' school in a very 'nice' area so don't really come across any of this sort of thing. I do have a little bit of a bugbear about certificates on films (no idea about games, never played a computer game in my life!) - I was brought up very strictly not being allowed to watch any certificate until I was that age. I always used to feel very uncomfortable with OH's daughter's mum letting her watch any film she wanted, including 18 certificates when she was 12 - when she would stay with us and I expressed uncertainty about letting her watch a 15 at age 12 she found it hilarious because she had seen much worse. Now she is 16 and judging by the things that pop up on her Facebook page ('liking' very vulgar comments and pictures on other friends' pages) there seems to be very little she hasn't seen. I doubt much would shock her.

Anyway I digress. There are two things I wanted to come here to say.

Firstly, please hold the school to account over the bullying. They CANNOT allow this to happen to your son. I am a teacher and if someone in my form was being bullied like that I would be doing everything in my power to sort it out, including lurking outside the senior teacher responsible for pastoral care's office daily to nag them about it (and I have done in the past). They have a duty of care when your child is at school and bullying of that level is unacceptable.

The other thing I wanted to say, I am not sure if anyone has said yet. I can see people have suggested he does activities outside of school but this won't help him find friends at school - what about activities IN school? Tell him to find out what is available and join anything and everything he can - creative writing club, debating club, science club, film club, book club, student librarians, drama club, anything he can even if it doesn't appeal to him initially. The benefits are twofold; he will be away from the playground and the bullies at lunchtime, and he will meet like minded pupils. There WILL be other kids like him, and lots of them, but they are not out on the playground with the bullies - they are at clubs and meetings and in the library. I know in my school the girls who are a bit 'different' and uncool often have loads of lunchtime activities and they have a nice little group of other 'uncool' people to spend time with.

Good luck to you and your son, I am sure he will settle in to his school and find his place. I don't think you are being a bad parent or overreacting, and I hope the school can sort out the bullying.

amanda_8t4

Hi there I

nickj_2

Mojisola wrote: »

This makes me so cross - the school is not powerless - inept, ineffective or unwilling to challenge the bullies, maybe, but not powerless!

I wouldn't be sending him back to school if things are this bad. Would you keep going into work if you were assaulted every day?

i can never understand why intimidation and aasualt at schools are treated as "just one of those things that happens " if you wer eto do it on the street or at work to another person you would be held to account .
i think schools do tend to bury their heads in the sand to a certain extent as they are more worried that their reputation will be damaged

there was a case at my daughter's school a few years ago where a girl was being bullied , the parents kept complaining to the school , the school never sorted things out and the result was that the girl was attacked by the perpatrators out of school hours , of course this was widely reported in the local press and the school didn't come out of it looking that good .
all schoos claim that they have a zero tollerance on bullying , but the reality is somewhat different