Am I too overprotective of my Son?

Claire212

Sezzagirl,

Thank you for your post.

I understand your standard of swearing. It would be mine but for personal reasons.

It is my decision to let it go when he swears in his room under his breath. I believe that people have different degrees of swearing, and he most definately would be pulled up for what I call 'those' words. But minor cursing I tend to ignore.

Most of the bullies are in the playground. There are 300 students in his year alone. They hang around in packs so it has been hard for him to avoid them.

I have attended his parents evening tonight and thankfully it seems to have had little effect on his school work. The school are going to investigate further and I know what measures they are taking to safeguard my son. For now, I can only hope it will get better.

VestanPance

Claire212 wrote: »

Yes, my son has only made one good friend at this school.

However cheepskate this does not make the information my son gives me unreliable.

The other children mock him for not watching or playing these games. They openly admit they are allowed to play them and show the scores on the internet. They have Ipads and Iphones IN SCHOOL which they store videos of many explicit things they have uploaded, with constant access to the internet. So, and forgive me if I am wrong, if the parents were oblivious to this then they would not have access to the games/phones/internet in the first place? After all they buy them these things I assume.

Or is that just me?

I'm not having a go, but a couple of things come to mind.

Firstly that your son will be the odd one out if he doesn't play computer games. In fact in the western world he would have been the odd one out since the 80's! Now what games the child has access to is always going to be at the parents discretion, but the vast majority of teenage lads will have played Call of Duty, or some other first person shooter these days.

Like it or not him never having played these types of games will mark him out as different, and as we all know school playgrounds are not the most tolerant of different. Particularly if it's viewed that you're not cool/mature. True playing a FPS is cool or mature, but to young lads it will be viewed that way.

My personal take is that age restriction censorship to games and video content is absurd. There isn't one shred of scientific evidence it does anything to harm someone. That the rare sad tale is shouted in tabloids is nothing but sensationalism covering up poor mental care and abuse. That doesn't sell newspapers though. Personally I'm all for parental judgement. If you feel you don't want your kid to play these games that is your call to make, but you do need to understand that will mark your son out as being different.

Secondly you'll find a lot of these kids have a far better grasp of technology than their parents. Not all parents are PC literate and even some who are will lock down some aspects to prevent access to certain websites will be unaware that the kid has learned how to bypass that security.

I personally do fear for today's youth who have extremely easy access to !!!!!!, but my thoughts are more on that they start to think what they see is normal sex.

I think a closed minded attitude to age restrictions can cause issues. Kids will always pursue things that society deems them to be too young to watch. That's just part of childhood. Let us look at things from another side. Why do books have no age restriction on them? What rating would the likes of many of Shakespeare's plays have been given if they did? Have you ever read a Marvel or DC comic? They are aimed at young lads for the most part and the content in those can be very dark and violent too.

There are many healthy happy young lads who have done very well for themselves who watched so called video nasties, or listen to evil rock music, or who played every GTA game ever to completion. These things are nothing but entertainment. They do not make the child. A loving family and encouragement make the child.

One of my friends is the most rounded, successful and highly educated people you could ever meet. He grew up in the 80's sneaking zombie films home to watch on a VCR when he was a kid. Mindless zombie slaughterfests. He still reads, watches and plays anything to do with zombies. What did zombie video nasty kid grow up to be? A human rights lawyer who has done lots of work for various governments and the UN in prosecuting those involved in human trafficking.

mountainofdebt

(putting tin hat on)

I have to admit that Junior watched 18 rated films when he was younger than the OP's son and he has NEVER sworn at me - in fact I think he was 18 when he first swore in front of me ....that's not to say he didn't swear but until then he had never swore in front of me and even now he doesn't do it regularly.

Does that make me a bad parent ? I guess that some may say yes but at the end of the day Junior is a polite young man, hardworking when he puts his mind to it and I'm not ashamed to say he's my son.

I suppose another analogy would be working in an office where the majority of the people there watch something like x factor or big brother. If you don't have any interest in these programmes then you are excluded from the conversations....is this the sort of bullying you are referring to? I have to admit there is no way on this planet that I could watch a programme just to 'fit in' - but I guess being in my 40s its alot easier than be 11

VestanPance

I'd watched a few 18 rated films around the OPs son age. I never ever swore in front of my parents, which is why I'm alive today to type this out.

cheepskate_2

Parenting is not just about 1 aspect of it.

My child is a well balanced individual actually by all accounts a quiet and sensitive child , with a wide group of friends, extremely well liked by teachers, never been bullied in school, NOR has ever bullied others, surprising as from your posts and a few others my child should be a delinquent . Intelligent ,funny Respectfull to myself and other adult, and wouldn't dream of swearingEspecially in earshot of me even tho they hears it on their games and even more surprising they thinks kids that swear are chavs. Still trying to learn them that others have different parenting styles to us and our friends.

I find it quite stupid(didn't really have another word handy) to think that just because someone lets their kids play computer games, that they allow them to watch !!!!!! etc or that they don't bother to sanction anything else. I didnt just fall into allowing my child games access, it was a choice I made, games are fictional, he sees more real life violence on the news about South Africa, which does concern him, suprise suprise.

I also find it quite weird, please don't take it as a dig, just an observation , when you obviously don't like violence ,even in video form, that you would allow a child to swear at you. Swearing is verbal violence and is usually used in an aggressive way/or to imply aggression(imho)

#

Claire212

cheepskate wrote: »

Maybe that is part of the problem. You assuming quite a bit. You seem to have built up this thing about the parents without even knowing them.
Whether it seems this way because of the bullying or because they allow their kids on computer games, that you have huge views on. But it comes across as very judgmental based on what YOU think is good parenting.

Yes your child is getting bullied, No it should not be happening (altho as human nature it will never be stopped) but to blame it on bad parenting because they allow games is really silly. By blanking everything and concentrating on these terrible parents, stops you looking at the situation clearly. As someone else said, maybe the remarks about the games hides a lot of what the bullying is really about.

You know OP , you are quite ok about your child swearing at you.........For me this is a definite NO. and would probably be near the top of my list of things that I would have Zero tolerance on . But then again, that is what parenting is all about, It is about how each person defines parenting.
Accepting different parenting styles and that yours is not the only way/or only right way to do things.

Yes, I do tend to ignore minor swearing. But as you say in your own post everyone views things differently, and has different levels they consider acceptable.

You seem to have branded me as someone who is judging people, while judging me for MY choices.

mountainofdebt

OP

You ask in your initial post whether you should allow your son to play these games.

Surely the question should be does your son want to play these games - not so much to fit in but to play them for 'entertainment' sake?

If the answer is no then the fact that you would prefer him not to play them is neither here nor there.

However if the answer is yes then you have to ask yourself are you overprotecting your son

JimRofl

Hey OP, firstly - well done for raising (what sounds to be) a gentleman. I'm 20 years old and part of the generation that grew up playing violent games and listening to hip hop.

I believe I was raised well, I'm certainly not a doctor or a lawyer, but I pride myself of good manners, helping others, educating myself and having nothing but honest intentions. My mother raised me well, like yourself - in a deprived area (the 2nd poorest council estate in Europe with shocking crime figures).

What we don't have in common is I was playing Grand Theft Auto from my early teens and my first I ever bought was N.W.A's greatest hits. I also had my own laptop at 14(?) with full Internet access, so within 6 months I had seen all the hardcore !!!!!! and bar brawl videos I could stumble upon. I think the key was that my mum was very open about, she didn't try and protect me from it, just explain that it doesn't depict real life, or that !!!!!! isn't a real representation of a relationship.

You can't hide your son away from that stuff, he'll just play it at a friends house or something. All while being socially rejected.

As for the bullying, it's tricky age to give advice for, telling the teacher won't do anything other than humiliate him, he doesn't have friends to back him up, he can't defend himself. I will however say that if he's getting physically attacked, call the police. If they turn up at the parents door, that kid is getting a huge fright and a beating from his parents.

Claire212

cheepskate wrote: »

Parenting is not just about 1 aspect of it.

My child is a well balanced individual actually by all accounts a quiet and sensitive child , with a wide group of friends, extremely well liked by teachers, never been bullied in school, NOR has ever bullied others, surprising as from your posts and a few others my child should be a delinquent . Intelligent ,funny Respectfull to myself and other adult, and wouldn't dream of swearingEspecially in earshot of me even tho they hears it on their games and even more surprising they thinks kids that swear are chavs. Still trying to learn them that others have different parenting styles to us and our friends.

I find it quite stupid(didn't really have another word handy) to think that just because someone lets their kids play computer games, that they allow them to watch !!!!!! etc or that they don't bother to sanction anything else. I didnt just fall into allowing my child games access, it was a choice I made, games are fictional, he sees more real life violence on the news about South Africa, which does concern him, suprise suprise.

I also find it quite weird, please don't take it as a dig, just an observation , when you obviously don't like violence ,even in video form, that you would allow a child to swear at you. Swearing is verbal violence and is usually used in an aggressive way/or to imply aggression(imho)

#

Lol. We have an X-Box and I spend many a night beating up Zombie's because it releases stress. Then I lock the game away so my son can't play. When he's 18, he can play it himself. Good luck to him. I'm not really that good.

If I chose to ignore the odd swear word it is my choice. BUT, what if MY child was bullying another because he would not swear.

Congratulations on bringing up your son by letting him play games. In order for your point to be truely valid, I must also assume that he has been allowed to watch you tube, so probably a bit of !!!!!!, people having sexual relations with animals and men with their bits out. Possibly also throwing in some gangsta rap with explict lyrics. Maybe he performed it on a Sunday for you before dinner. Sorry, perhaps I have gone too far, but you really are frustrating me.

The point is not that you let him do this. The point here is my son is being bullied because he doesn't. Nothing more. I am entitled to believe that maybe it is irresponsible for people to let their child do this, but my question was asking peoples views on whether I should allow my son to watch these programmes/play games to fit in and stop the bullying?

Your son turned out ok, and parenting is bloody hard. So well done. But please read my original post. I have never said I believe anyone is a bad parent. Just that parental control was out the window. You have kindly now pointed out that perhaps they were aware of it in the first place. Fine. But it has nothing to do with my question, which others have answered, as they have understood my question. But thank you anyway.

cheepskate_2

Op why would you allow your child to play games to fit in.......Would that also include letting him watch the animal !!!!!! that the other kids are watching. ,
You learn your child to find friends where he is accepted for who he is., not to hang onto this group that are bullying him.
To say"I will let you play COD to fit in , will send the wrong message to him"
It wouldn't even cross my mind to allow my child to swear to fit into a one of the groups he goes to, or to become like the bully to fit in

Parenting is hard, finding the right balance and letting the reigns loosen a little bit is hard as well.
Have you actually had a sit down with your little man and had a chat on what he would like etc