dilemma help please

pukkamum

I think you are right SuzieSue, the worse thing is I know that most of this comes from her not being happy with her life and the choices she has made, unfortunately she is just like my dad, he has gone through life blaming everyone else for the problems in his life and he is now living on a bus in America with no family around having just had his 5th marriage fail.
I have tried over the years to talk to her but the response is always the same, I have the problem and she is blameless, she once didn't speak to me for 6 mths because i wouldn't go to hers on xmas day (driving for 2 hrs with 3 lo's to get there).
I wish I knew how to resolve this as I love her and we were always so close but she is impossible sometimes.
Maybe this is a good thing we can both get some perspective and hopefully come through it as I know this will be killing my mum too.

SuzieSue

pukkamum wrote: »

I think you are right SuzieSue, the worse thing is I know that most of this comes from her not being happy with her life and the choices she has made, unfortunately she is just like my dad, he has gone through life blaming everyone else for the problems in his life and he is now living on a bus in America with no family around having just had his 5th marriage fail.
I have tried over the years to talk to her but the response is always the same, I have the problem and she is blameless, she once didn't speak to me for 6 mths because i wouldn't go to hers on xmas day (driving for 2 hrs with 3 lo's to get there).
I wish I knew how to resolve this as I love her and we were always so close but she is impossible sometimes.
Maybe this is a good thing we can both get some perspective and hopefully come through it as I know this will be killing my mum too.

From everything you have said, there is nothing much you can do unless she changes her behaviour.

You made lots of very valid points in your emails but as far as I can see, she hasn't responded to any of them because she can't as she knows she is in the wrong.

There is no easy answer and the only consolation is that a lot (if not most) families have similar problems. We don't choose our family and sometimes, although we love them, it is very difficult to like them.

You have done exactly the right thing but putting everything down in email as you can foward all the emails to your mother if you want to and she can see what is happening for herself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. All your sister did was swear in her emails and didn't answer any of your points.

Sometimes siblings just don't get on and there is nothing much that can be done about it, but as someone else said, it might be possible for your children to still see their cousins even if you and your sister aren't the best of friends.

pukkamum

These are the last 2 emails

from her

Right this is the last time I want contact from you about this but if we are putting it all out on a plate...

Is that what you don't like, the fact that I actually enjoy being with my husband and want to spend time with and would rather do these things with him than without him?PUKKAMUM WHAT WERE THE CHANCES THAT BOTH YOU AND PUKKADAD WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LEAVE THE KIDS AND COME TO LONDON FOR A GIG. I THOUGHT OF YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE MY SISTER AND IT WAS CLOSE TO YOUR BIRTHDAY. I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED A BREAK AND I THOUGHT YOU WOULD ENJOY IT. IT REALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY PERCEPTION OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND. I WAS JUST DOING SOMETHING NICE FOR MY SISTER

and now this and you know what yes he does give a !!!!, he was actually really !!!!ed off about all of those things and you know what sister it isn't me who has the chip on their shoulder it's you. PUKKAMUM IF TRYING TO DO THINGS FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU IS MY HAVING A CHIP ON MY SHOULDER THEN CLEARLY I AM A COMPLETE !!!!ING !!!!.

The kids - I consider myself a bit better than dragging them into it so I won't even bother responding to your rant about how much you have done for my son and how little I have done for them. Maybe when you explain to them why they don't see their aunty and cousins anymore you can let them know its because I am a patronising snob who only comes over to sneer at their council house.

Maybe you need to think about why you have cleary been letting this resentment, negativity and bitterness build up to such a degree that you can attack me so viciously, you obviously have a lot of hate in your life pukkamum and I can only hope that you feel better for venting it on me - at least I now know the truth about how you feel.

And thanks but I will not be needing you in the future.

I don't want to hear from you again



The caps are where she has responded here was my response



So you don't feel that anything I said was valid?

You don't want to hear from me because as per usual you are right and I am wrong, and you have to have the last word.

I never once said I didn't want you to see the kids you were the one telling me I was not having any contact with you or your kids and why? Because I don't want to come to London hmm yes that seems justified.
I brought how many times I have seen and had your son as you were the one saying I make no effort and have a problem with you all which is clearly not the case and I see you haven't responded in any way to that part of the email.
This is not the first time I have had this from you for not doing what you want.
I appreciate that the Leonrad Cohen thing was done in good will, I was simply making the point about pukkadad not being invited and that I didn't want to spend the weekend with couples,


But all that is not what is going on here.

Our relationship has changed sister and you just have to accept it, we both have our own families whose needs certainly for me come before anything even you.
I would have loved our kids to have grown up together being close but you moved far away and that makes it impossible.
I cannot be there for you in the same way I used to be and does that make me sad, yes of course it does but thats life sister.
I find your comments about my lack of effort extremely hurtful and ask again what is it you want from me?

I assume our other sister has had an email about her lack of effort in your relationship?

Perhaps it is a good thing it is being put on a plate as I am quite fed up with being tested by you, you seem to think that unless I am constantly at your house then I don't love you enough. and that is ludicrous.

As for the resentful bitter attacking as far as I can see the only person doing the attacking here sister is you, I simply responded to the extremely nasty email you sent me in response to my saying I wasn't coming.

I would love for us to be able to have a grown up conversation about this but clearly that is not possible as you are never ever willing to admit your fault in anything, I am willing to admit yes I am a bit crap about expensive nights out etc but I have never once not been there for you when you needed me, when you were bad with your pregnancy I was there straight away, when you went through that !!!! with your ex I was there when you had your son I was there for you, when you went throught the bad stuff with your husband I was there.
Yes be !!!!ed off with me for not coming to London thats fine but don't dare say I don't care and I don't make the effort, we both know thats not true.

I expect though that all this will just be seen as another attack but I really hope that one day you will see the truth of the matter and maybe we can rebuild our relationship not that I ever saw it as broken, just different to the closeness we once had.
So fair enough if you want to end our relationship I can't and won't fight with you any more it's too upsetting.
And for the record I never once said you were a patronising snob those are your words not mine.
Love (though you make it very hard) pukkamum.

jellyhead

Maybe your mum can sort it out so that the children can all see each other without you and your sister being in the same room. A spat between siblings doesn't have to mean that cousins who already know each other have to be segregated.

Nobody should have to explain to their child that they can't see their aunty.

Good luck I hope things can calm down enough so the family can continue to meet up. We managed it okay in our family, and there have been more than 1 spat, including my sister and myself at one point. 6 months of no contact gave us all the space to calm down and realise that our resentments shouldn't get in the way of our mum getting all the family together for her birthday or christmas.

Fair enough if you decide that you don't want to do things with your sister or meet up with her as sisters. It does sound as if you feel manipulated by her and perhaps you'll be happier not being involved in anything she can twist to her advantage. Hopefully you can explain to your mum and your other sister that you want a break from her, but that neither your mum or your other sister need to take sides or get involved

SuzieSue

Yes, exactly the same sort of email exchange that I had with my sister.

It's telling that she is the one who kept saying that she doesn't want contact with you, you have never said it once and have tried to be as reconciliatory as possible.

It is obvious that she was just as fed up with your relationship as you were.

All you can hope is that things settle down and that your mother can act as a go-between.

In the meantime, make the most of your life with you OH and kids and enjoy every day. I am sure she is very miserable in her life and is just taking it out on you.

victory

pukkaum I don't know how one can get their point acRoss when it's like the last email, it comes across angry, aggressive and attacking so it will read like all :eek: and not one point will be looked out, agreed with or taken into consideration.

Listen in no way am I saying your points are not valid that you have every right to email etc no not that at all what I am saying is none of the points will get resolved

Pollycat

Time to stop sending emails, Pukkamum, imho.

This is just degenerating into 'you did this', 'you didn't do that' and I just can't see - when you are both so angry - what good it is going to do for your relationship.

You know that she told you it was a girly do and you know that she had bought tickets for her OH and that her friend's OH was also going.

I'd leave things and try to concentrate on your own family.

BTW, does she ever come on MSE? Or does she have friends who do and would recognise the scenario?
I would hope not because I'd be bloody furious with my sister (the one I do speak to) if I found out she'd posted the contents of personal emails from me on a very public forum.

SuzieSue

victory wrote: »

pukkaum I don't know how one can get their point acRoss when it's like the last email, it comes across angry, aggressive and attacking so it will read like all :eek: and not one point will be looked out, agreed with or taken into consideration.

Listen in no way am I saying your points are not valid that you have every right to email etc no not that at all what I am saying is none of the points will get resolved

Which part of Pukkamum's email is angry, aggressive or attacking? It all seems very calm and reasoned to me. She is the one saying that she wants to meet her and keep in touch with her kids. It is her sister who is very angry and attacking.

victory

SuzieSue wrote: »

Which part of Pukkamum's email is angry, aggressive or attacking? It all seems very calm and reasoned to me. She is the one saying that she wants to meet her and keep in touch with her kids. It is her sister who is very angry and attacking.

No that's not the way I was trying to e plain it. Both sis are now on the defence, angry, resentful bringing up past you did this you did that, both trying for the last word, to bring back some control, so now leave it, calm, wait, then emails what's written don't come over wrong, things don't get read into them that are not there, take away the adrenalin surge of dislike and the points are easier to see and digest:D

pukkamum

Pollycat wrote: »

Time to stop sending emails, Pukkamum, imho.

This is just degenerating into 'you did this', 'you didn't do that' and I just can't see - when you are both so angry - what good it is going to do for your relationship.

You know that she told you it was a girly do and you know that she had bought tickets for her OH and that her friend's OH was also going.

I'd leave things and try to concentrate on your own family.

BTW, does she ever come on MSE? Or does she have friends who do and would recognise the scenario?
I would hope not because I'd be bloody furious with my sister (the one I do speak to) if I found out she'd posted the contents of personal emails from me on a very public forum.

No she doesn't come on forums her and her friends have always made a point of saying how sad people are who do!