dilemma help please

jellyhead

I wonder if your mum saying that your sister is ill might have been her trying to explain your sister's over-reaction. Hopefully when your mum gets back she'll have calmed your sister down and made her see that there's no need to cease contact.

victory

Ceasing contact is a huge jump from a botched up ticket birthday present to angry emails to ceasing contact...... :eek:

LannieDuck

I still think that her expecting your OH would babysit is a reasonable explanation for it all.

Her thought process = my sister likes XX, I'm sure she'll be able to come, OH can babysit.

If she really gave it as much thought as you seem to think she should have, her thought process would have had to go = my sister likes XX, I'm sure she'll be able to come, i should probably invite OH too so he doesn't feel left out (hmm, I wonder if he even likes XX?), but someone will have to look after the kids, np - I recall a conversation i once had with sis where she said that Mum would babysit, let me go and check with Mum that she can babysit on that date.

Given her e-mails, I wouldn't be at all surprised if "a ticket would be a nice gift for my sister" was as far as her thought process went. Occam's razor and all that.

Saint_Chris

sometimes I'm a bit rubbish with wanting to go over to her house but I have
explained all that to her and she still does not accept it.

there you've said it...........and your sister is proably upset at how little you visit.............problem solved you make arrangements to meet up on a neutral ground every couple of weeks for a coffee chat and may be a nosey round primark.

there's nothing with any of this that can't be sorted out as adults in a calm atmosphere, nobody has slept with anyone else's spouse, nobody has killed anyone, stolen from anyone...................all this because a difference of opinions, and the fact that as the younger sister you feel a bit

Why should you do things you don't want to do? If you don't want to go to her
house, don't, it shouldn't be a chore.

You should visit your sister only
if you want to or if she needs you because she is ill (but only if she would do
the same for you).

if my sister was ill, i would not be thinking 'erm if i was ill, would she visit me........erm no.......oh well i'll not bother............:rotfl:

SuzieSue

Saint_Chris wrote: »

t



if my sister was ill, i would not be thinking 'erm if i was ill, would she visit me........erm no.......oh well i'll not bother............:rotfl:

No, you probably don't because you know she would visit you, so you don't have to think about it.

The OP has said that she has always been there for her sister when she was ill, had a baby and had marital problems. I don't think her sister has done the same for her.

pukkamum

victory wrote: »

And were back to 2 people seeing the same thing differently, your sis sees it as you don't make enough effort/don't go enough etc and you see it as a chore/can't always be bothered to/don't want to have to, why can't she visit you? type thing and so the problem of who does what when why how goes on:D

Precisely, there has actually only been one occasion when we were actually invited and we didn't go, we were very brassic that week and I explained that to her and suggested that they all came to us and I woul do lunch and we would have a walk out, but i didn't even get a response, it was simply if I wasn't willing to go there then tough.
I also always when she comes to mum's arrange for us to meet up have her son over etc so it isn't like we don't see each other.
In fact just last month I arranged a night for her and my other sister to come over, made a meal got beer in etc and we had a fab time which just makes it all the more sad.
I think she wants it the way it used to be, when she lived 10 mins away and we would often pop in have nights in etc, well the facts are that then she was closer, I only had one child (now have 3) and it was a lot easier, the sad thing is I think that in her mind all this is truly justified and she is the injured party and I really don't think that anything I say is going to change her mind, so what do I do?
Accept it and carry on as before allowing her to behave this way?
Or take a stand as I have done, though I suspect that in the end it will be me backing down and welcoming her back.

SuzieSue

Saint_Chris wrote: »

there you've said it...........and your sister is proably upset at how little you visit.............problem solved you make arrangements to meet up on a neutral ground every couple of weeks for a coffee chat and may be a nosey round primark.

Why should the OP do this if she doesn't want to? I think she said that her OH works long hours and they don't get to spend time together (apologies if she didn't say that). She needs to spend time with her immediate family, not feel guilty about visiting her sister if she doesn't want to.

pukkamum

SuzieSue wrote: »

No, you probably don't because you know she would visit you, so you don't have to think about it.

The OP has said that she has always been there for her sister when she was ill, had a baby and had marital problems. I don't think her sister has done the same for her.

Do you know what Suzie she hasn't, when she was laid up when pregnant i dragged three kids on 2 buses and 3 trains to go to her, I cleaned her house from top to bottom and took her son back with me for a sleep over so she could rest.
On the other hand when I was having an horrific time with my last baby I saw her once in 3 months, I know that is a bit tit for tat but what I am trying to show that if anybody should have a problem it's me yet I have never once castigated her for this.

SuzieSue

pukkamum wrote: »

Do you know what Suzie she hasn't, when she was laid up when pregnant i dragged three kids on 2 buses and 3 trains to go to her, I cleaned her house from top to bottom and took her son back with me for a sleep over so she could rest.
On the other hand when I was having an horrific time with my last baby I saw her once in 3 months, I know that is a bit tit for tat but what I am trying to show that if anybody should have a problem it's me yet I have never once castigated her for this.

No, it isn't tit for tat. Life is about giving and taking. If someone takes all the time, then there is a limit to what the other person will give.

bagpussbear

pukkamum wrote: »

Precisely, there has actually only been one occasion when we were actually invited and we didn't go, we were very brassic that week and I explained that to her and suggested that they all came to us and I woul do lunch and we would have a walk out, but i didn't even get a response, it was simply if I wasn't willing to go there then tough.
I also always when she comes to mum's arrange for us to meet up have her son over etc so it isn't like we don't see each other.
In fact just last month I arranged a night for her and my other sister to come over, made a meal got beer in etc and we had a fab time which just makes it all the more sad.
I think she wants it the way it used to be, when she lived 10 mins away and we would often pop in have nights in etc, well the facts are that then she was closer, I only had one child (now have 3) and it was a lot easier, the sad thing is I think that in her mind all this is truly justified and she is the injured party and I really don't think that anything I say is going to change her mind, so what do I do?
Accept it and carry on as before allowing her to behave this way?
Or take a stand as I have done, though I suspect that in the end it will be me backing down and welcoming her back.

I don't think you need to do anything at this moment in time, those aren't your 2 only options. There has been a lot of resentment over things happened between the both of you over a long time, so 'accepting' it and carry on as before would drive you insane!

You've already taken a stand now by what you've said, taking anything back would cause you embarrassment.

I can only speak for myself if I was in your situation, and I would do absolutely nothing. See what more (if anything) comes from your sister, see what your mum says, don't respond to any further angry emails however much it winds you up. Because you need time to think, reflect and come to the fundamental decision of 'do I want any future relationship with my sister'. And go from there ..... good luck.