dilemma help please

pukkamum

CH27 wrote: »

You cannot judge anyone else's family dynamic on yours.
Your experience is blinding you from seeing the full picture.

CH27 the sad fact is that she is bang on this has happened before, I find that in the whole many family dynamics are pretty much the same, after chatting to friends yesterday about this 3 other women who have sisters said that they have the exact same issues with their female siblings.

pukkamum

Unfortunately due to the big age gap between my eldest and youngest sister (11yrs) the youngest has always idolised the eldest and sees her life as one she wants for herself (oldest goes with youngest to posh restaurants and spa days friends in the media and music etc) whereas my time spent with youngest is a night in with pizza and wine.

SuzieSue

CH27 wrote: »

You cannot judge anyone else's family dynamic on yours.
Your experience is blinding you from seeing the full picture.

No, but all the emails I have seen are exactly like the emails I and my sisters have exchanged and the OP's first sister turning the family against the OP is exactly what my sister would and has done.

SuzieSue

pukkamum wrote: »

CH27 the sad fact is that she is bang on this has happened before, I find that in the whole many family dynamics are pretty much the same, after chatting to friends yesterday about this 3 other women who have sisters said that they have the exact same issues with their female siblings.

Yes, as I said yesterday, the problems you and I are having with our families are very common.

SuzieSue

pukkamum wrote: »

Unfortunately due to the big age gap between my eldest and youngest sister (11yrs) the youngest has always idolised the eldest and sees her life as one she wants for herself (oldest goes with youngest to posh restaurants and spa days friends in the media and music etc) whereas my time spent with youngest is a night in with pizza and wine.

Totally understand this. You can't compete if your younger sister likes posh restaurants (I can't think of anything worse than going to a posh restaurant).

LannieDuck

pukkamum wrote: »

Yes I agree that the emails sent from both parties were bad but I really cannot see how I am the disgusting one and she is completely innocent.

She's certainly not completely innocent, and her initial response to you was totally out of line.

CH27

SuzieSue wrote: »

No, but all the emails I have seen are exactly like the emails I and my sisters have exchanged and the OP's first sister turning the family against the OP is exactly what my sister would and has done.

You are encouraging the OP to see herself as the wronged party.
There is blame on both sides & the OP needs to work out how to overcome the situation.

OP if I was you I would keep normal contact with the rest of your family & not refer to the fallout unless asked about it.
Don't let the fallout with one person ruin everything.

Lunar_Eclipse

LannieDuck wrote: »

Your sister over-reacted in her first message, but after that your e-mails were just as bad as your sister's. There were a lot of accusations and bad feeling flying both ways.

I agree with this to a certain degree except for one major component: the tone and language Pukka used seemed far more courteous in a way that her sister's was not. The sister was aggressive and used personal attacks that I don't recall (perhaps I'm incorrect) Pukka using. Or maybe it just read better and the attacks were more polite ;-)

Also, this only started because of the sister's inital reply, which in my opinion, was outrageous. I can fully understand her feelings of being 'let down' about the evening, but her reply was disgraceful.

Personally, I would happily walk away from people using this sort of language. I would be furious at the 'problem' sister bringing the other sister and mum into the disagreement. She has totally over stepped the mark for me.

I also have a slightly fractious relationship with my younger sister, which is sadly hugely exacerbated by her husband, who I can't tolerate. I just don't share his views on anything.

SuzieSue

CH27 wrote: »

You are encouraging the OP to see herself as the wronged party.
There is blame on both sides & the OP needs to work out how to overcome the situation.

OP if I was you I would keep normal contact with the rest of your family & not refer to the fallout unless asked about it.
Don't let the fallout with one person ruin everything.

Yes, and I do feel guilty about it, and if the OP wants me to then I will stop replying.

However, I honestly can't see what the OP has done wrong apart from tell the truth. Unless the OP has edited her first sister's replies then her first sister hasn't denied anything the OP has accused her of, so her sister's response to turn the family against the OP is totally understandable as she can't defend herself.

LannieDuck

SuzieSue wrote: »

Yes, but the OP responded honestly to the accusation, her first sister couldn't as everything the OP had "accused" her of was true.

The OP's first sister can't argue back because the OP is right, and so her only form of defence is to turn the rest of the family against the OP.

People very often see the same event in different lights. The OP may think that everything she said is fair, and the sister might think she was being totally unreasonable... because their memories of the event are different.

For example, the sister thought she was doing a nice thing for the OP by buying her a ticket to see her favourite band. The OP thought it was a passive-aggressive move to ostracise her OH. In the future, they'll probably use this in their arguments as "I try and do something nice for you and you throw it back in my face" and "you never include my husband in your social plans" respectively. Same event, different POVs.

I have a couple of in-laws (also sisters) who are exactly the same. Both seeking to 'point score' over the other, and both dredging up minor incidents from their histories to justify their position. The trouble is, it just becomes mud-slinging, and the original point of contention is always lost. As it has been here - this started off as being about a birthday present