mum not letting me move back in..

*max*

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Yes we openly asked. Joked about it on Wednesday night after her asking me to go up and feed the cat this weekend, and I said 'we could just be permanent cat-sitters' and that we'd been thinking about moving back in again anyway

I think that's what stands out for me here. You never asked her. you just said "we were thinking about moving back in again". As if her opinion about it doesn't matter.

I know you're hurting, but the way you went about it screams "entitlement" to me. You didn't really discuss it with her, ask her if it would be ok, you just told her you'd been thinking about it, as if for it to happen, it was only you that needed to decide.

I can see why she may have got annoyed.

That's besides the fact that as a single woman in her 40's, she would suddenly have to share her home with a couple in their 20's, no matter the affiliation. I would have bawked too.

Gees

I firstly sympathize that the relationship you ideally have always wanted with your mother hasn’t happened, and sadly I can’t see it ever materialising. She raised you alone, most likely struggled, and chose to keep you, and took the help she needed from family. From what you say she hasn’t been the best mother, unfortunately not every woman has the skills to be the ideal mother. You need to accept this is how she is.

Moving back into your mother’s home will bring new problems. Moving your OH in too will be an invasion of her space and her privacy, and that would be just the start of more to come. Your mother enjoys her freedom and since you moved out she is free to do as she pleases. I imagine the offer was made to you when she was lonely, but that has changed. Yes she does sound selfish, lacks compassion, and is used to having everyone help her, but having raised you she is entitled to make a life for herself, after all she is only 42.

You and your OH are old enough to deal with your debts; after all you did create them. You are both working and have each other. Just because your mother chose to rely on others doesn’t make it right for you. There are other options, and you have been given some great advice in this thread. Try to use it, look seriously at the options, you are not really struggling, you are existing and need to manage your financial affairs by reducing your costs.

I have a daughter your age, and if she came to me with the same financial problem as yours I would be very disappointed. I expect better, perhaps your mother does too.

Without being offensive to your mother, the next time she needs a favour be honest, she is used to everyone helping her when in need, and it won’t hurt her on occasion for you to say ‘sorry mum, I can’t this time’.

Learn from this, hopefully you can try to get your finances into better shape and help prepare you to be a good mother who can provide everything that is needed when the time comes

Try to be positive!

BitterAndTwisted

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

I appreciate it may seem like well its her house so she can decide, but like its been said, she's reluctant for purely selfish reasons.

Why don't you read this bit back to yourself and try to read it through someone else's eyes?

You sound very immature and self-centred with an inflated sense of entitlement, regardless of her alleged failings as a mother.

Rely on no-one else to solve your problems for you and you'll never be disappointed.

FBaby

I think the issue is that you have made the choice to become an adult, getting into a serious relationship, having a child and your own household, but probably because of your age, you still see yourself the responsibility of your mum, there to comfort you and make your trouble go away when you need it.

It's quite normal and indeed, it is a hard dynamic to shift. Later in life, you experience the same thing when you become the adult that feels responsible towards your parents.

I remember my sister who had always been spoilt with attention having a tantrum when her child was born (at 30!!) because it was her baby who was now getting all the attention and she got none. I thought she was having a laugh as you do but then realised she was serious. She is naturally a self-centred person and she really struggled with the fact that the attention would be shifted to her child. She got over it...kind of!

In a way, it is good your mum has been realistic about the whole thing. It is very different to have a teenager at home to having two young adult and a baby moving in. Of course it would feel like it is your home rather than your mum. The level of noise, mess, lack of intimacy etc... would be much higher and that can create a lot of stress for someone who feel they deserve to have all this back.

As stated above, you didn't actually ask your mum if you could move, you hinted and your mum hasn't actually said no, just that she needed to think about it, and yet you are actually like a child by shouting the 'it's unfair she is a bad mum'. It is time to realise that you are responsible for yourself and family and any support your get is to be grateful for, not expected.

Mojisola

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Eh feeding the cat is one example. And when it takes 40 mins by car each time I go up, eating up petrol, and its at least twice a week its quite a lot.

She also orders food deliveries from Tescos etc, knowing she'll be at his, and goes ahead with the order, then asks me to be there, without even checking with me first.

The list goes on with other stuff too but its all the time. As I said before, I never say no so probably my own fault too.

The one time I said no to giving her a lift somewhere at the last minute because I was busy she didnt talk to me for a week.

Gees wrote: »

Without being offensive to your mother, the next time she needs a favour be honest, she is used to everyone helping her when in need, and it won’t hurt her on occasion for you to say ‘sorry mum, I can’t this time’.

Please do read the other thread that KxMx pointed you towards - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

I think you've got to start saying no. If she wants to behave like a spoiled brat when you do, that's her problem. It will be a lot easier to pay off your debts if you're not spending money on petrol to feed her cats and not being conned into paying for her shopping!

Read the other thread, talk things through with your OH and get his view on what your relationship with your mother looks like to him. If you're going to start standing up to her you will need his support.

Caroline_a

Actually I don't think your mum is wrong. As others have said, she has her own life now which you moving back in would disrupt, and she obviously does not feel that the disruption is worth £300 a month! It doesnt mean that she loves you any the less, she just doesnt feel that your debts are a good enough reason for her to have her home living arrangements turned on its head, and to be honest, nor do I. There are a lot of people on this board who would love to have £150 - £200 a month spare - I think you're doing ok financially!

Your boyfriend's parents seem very invisible in all this - why don't you move in with them?

edeneve

Sorry I am with your mum on this...I left home at 17 and at 19 lived in Germany, 21 met my ex OH and 22 had first kid....once I left home I was on my own feet and would never ever dream of asking to go back home...I was an adult and responsible for me!

Now...I love my kids and I have a large family, eldest 20 and youngest 1, I also have brought my kids to be independant and they are...all are still at home but I am now making it clear that I am moving in 18 months, when 2 will be away at uni and that I have remained in the area after divorce so older kids can finish school and college. I have stayed in an area I dont like for 7 years, will be 8 1/2 by time i can move. I love my kids dearly but I feel I have to encourage them to stand on their own feet. Once they have left home that is it, I will help them in any other way but returning back home is not an option, that is far too easy and I have seen the repucussions with my own parents whose 40 yr old son has only just moved out after using their home as a 'safety net' on and off for last 20 years and absolutely stressing them beyond belief.

You are an adult, your mother does not 'owe' you anything except a listening ear and support, but it is YOUR life and you learn by mistakes you make, YOU got yourself in debt, it is not your mothers resonsibility to get you out of it, it is yours, yes it is a hard fact of life but that is what we do, learn by our own mistakes and if parents are forever picking up the problems kids get themselves into then you will not learn.

Sorry if you don't like what I have to say, but treat mu own kids how I expect to be treated, my problems are my problems to solve, your mother is now entitled to do her own thing and live as she chooses, it is now down to you to sort yourselves out.

victory

Judi wrote: »

because she has dug herself a hole and wants her Mother to get her out of it.

Would i have my grown up children back to live with me?

Yes if they were in trouble
Yes if they needed nursing back to health
Yes if they needed a roof over their head
Yes if they needed protecting

If they wanted to pay a loan off quicker..... Not sodding likely.

Call me a selfish Mom if you want i dont care. If they are old enough to get themselves into debt, they are old enough to get themselves out of it.

I fully agree, to pay off a loan quicker, def not:D

Mojisola

incognito_n_co wrote: »

If you were my daughter I would offer to help you budget appropriately to get the most from your income and clear the debts you have accrued. And discuss options such as moving to a cheaper home to run, checking utilities etc to get the best deal etc.

It would be hard to take financial advice from the OP's mother - she's in debt and is constantly "borrowing" money from other family members!

tenke

365days wrote: »

Right I'm going to say it how it is.

Becoming a Mum does not automatically change a woman into a caring, loving, selfless person.

Some women resent their children. Some women use their children. Some women, frankly couldn't give a toss about their kids. Some women drop their kids whenever a new man appears. Some women lean emotionally on their children. Some children parent their parents.

As a child you had little choice in the matter.

Realising that your Mum's life does not revolve around you hurts. Some people find that out pretty young. Some people live in denial that it is even true. Some people keep giving chance after chance for the person to 'make it right' Purely from what you have said, your Mum sounds like she falls into a few of the above catagories. She is a humanbeing, just like all of us and she has her faults, just like all of us.

You feel like she has chosen her new partner over you as she may well have done before in the past. Now you are an adult though, you can step back and decide how you are going to react to someone who does that to you.

You can think 'Oh that's ok you can drop me when new man comes along but I'll still be at your beck and call when you need me' or you could say 'This is how you are going to be from now on. I know where I stand and I will choose carefully what sort of support I am willing to give back to you'

This post is SO spot on !!:T

First I'm sending you the BIGGEST VIRTUAL HUG I am able to !!:j
Having a narcissistic mother myself, I know of the utter pain, and desolation it feels, when your own mother cannot feel compassion for you, her child..:(

The utter imcomprehension of the whole thing made to research and research, trying to find answers, until I did in the form of the document I will attach here, for you to read and maybe try to make sense of it all..:(

I cried my eyes out for a long time, when I read it because I could see all my life put in paper by a complete stranger,and though the pain was still lascerating, it gave me at least a way to understand it..

I hope it helps you:o

Having a narcissistic mother is like an open wound, that will only heal, when either of you is gone ( that's my opinion and how i feel it anyway)

Here is the link

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html