mum not letting me move back in..

HoneyAndLemon

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Have you thought any more about skintchick's suggestion about renting out a double room?

If not why not?

If yes but dismissed why?

Or is more about your mum not helping out than you trying to find a solution to the problem?

I've already said in an earlier post that we are now looking at other options. And I've already said we've drawn up budgets etc.

mountainofdebt

365days wrote: »

You feel like she has chosen her new partner over you as she may well have done before in the past. Now you are an adult though, you can step back and decide how you are going to react to someone who does that to you.

You can think 'Oh that's ok you can drop me when new man comes along but I'll still be at your beck and call when you need me' or you could say 'This is how you are going to be from now on. I know where I stand and I will choose carefully what sort of support I am willing to give back to you'

I couldn't help but feel that the OP's mum is acting like a teenage girl .....drops her friends when she's all loved up and hanging around them like flies when she isn't.

But even in that situaiton your comment about how you react is spot on

HoneyAndLemon

I dont want to persude her. Its her decision. I thought she'd be ok with it so was taken back when she seemed reluctant. I cant sort out the finance part of it myself. Its the lack of help from her I wanted to talk about and get opinions on.. and how to proceed from here.

marisco_2

meritaten wrote: »

Your mum sounds like a narcissist to me - youre broke she wants you to have the big white wedding (so she can be 'mother of the bride'?), she gets a new bloke - you take back seat. all her life SHE has put herself first hasnt she?
so - play the narcissist game - they hate being badly thought of, so, appeal to her selfish side. You must know her well enough to know if she would be shamed by family, friends, neighbours etc knowing she wont help you - so say calmly 'well mum if you wont have me I will have to ask 'aunty soandso' or 'the old couple next door but one' if they want lodgers til we sort ourselves out'.

:eek:

Isn't this just encouraging the OP to be manipulative though. Hardly a decent or grown up way to carry on at all. She is wanting to move back home so she and her partner can clear a £13K loan quickly and then be able to save a deposit for a house.

They can afford to pay the loan and wait to save for a deposit later on. That is what most adults do. Clear their own debts by themselves then move on to saving for the next big aim in their lives. Not expect their parents to take them in so they can overpay it and clear it quicker.

Lilith1980

Hi OP,

As others have said, I think given the difficult relationship you have with your mum that it would probably do you more harm than good to move in with her.

Perhaps you could look to see if there's anywhere else you can rent which is cheaper, or look at your outgoings and see if you can cut back.

For the people saying that OP keeps 'assuming' what her mum thinks/has done, this is how the OP feels, her feelings are valid. Her mum may not have intended for her actions to bring about those reactions/feelings but nonetheless, that is how the OP feels.

I say this because my mum let me down when I was a child and as I have got older I realised that she didn't mean to, but my feelings of anger and resentment WERE valid because she DID let me down.

However, I also believe that you can give someone the power to hurt you if you continually run after them or allow them to make you feel a certain way. OP, your mum sounds like she finds it hard to be a mum and does sound selfish - stop pandering to her. She wants you to stand on your own two feet, so let her stand on hers as well.

Good luck x

meritaten

yes frankly! OP asked advice about dealing with mum was the way I read the post!
so I posted about dealing with mum - I dont feel qualified to help OP deal with her debts.

FBaby

Having been a single mum myself and knowing many you do often feel like you sacrifice your life for your kids especially when you are working hard, are constantly tired, all you're money goes on bills and your children and you have either little time to look for love or you don't want to bring a new relationship onto your children. you do a lot for others but little for yourself so yes I suppose you then reach a stage where you do think you deserve putting your needs and desires before others.

If you said that you had been made homeless through no fault of yours at all but your mum refused to open her door I would think she was a very dodgy mum but as you describe the situation OP, I think she is being selfish because she believes she is now entitled to be so. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Bennifred

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

No I told them exactly what I meant. That we can pay our loan, but we could overpay and clear it in a year if we moved in. And I only got the loan this month to consolidate everything, before that we were struggling to juggle everything. All our own fault we know but thats we are trying to sort it. And most of the women in work have their 'kids' who are older than me still living at home, most of them not paying, and getting their dinners, washing etc all done for them.

Maybe one of your colleagues has a suitable room for you?

HoneyAndLemon

Bennifred wrote: »

Maybe one of your colleagues has a suitable room for you?

Maybe..!!!

Welshwoofs

From my POV there's a big difference between having a child move back home and having a child and their partner move back home.

I don't have children, so I can only think in terms of...would I be happy if my Mother and her partner suddenly wanted to move in with me? I love my Mum to death, but would I want to live with her and her partner? Hell no. But would I do it if they were in extremis? Yes, I'd have to.

And this is the crux to me. You aren't in extremis - you simply want to pay off a loan early. So really there's no emergency, no 'world tumbling down' which requires that 'childhood home as last resort' option and therefore, sorry to say, I don't blame your Mum's decision.