mum not letting me move back in..

unoriginal_uk

To be honest your mother sounds a lot like mine. And I did end up moving back into my mothers house to sort my debts out etc etc and it was the worst thing I ever did. Now when I move out as I plan to shortly, I know my mother and I will never talk again - because living together after having space for a few years was the last straw!

I really sympathise with you and although I seem to be the minority here I think it does sound like your mum takes advantage of you - if what you say is true about her not really raising you and your granny having to raise you because she was out all the time etc. it sounds like she has never really been there for you.

My advise like some others on here would be see if you can find a flat share - do you know of any other couples who you could share with, or look on Gumtree for rooms to rent. You could get the same as what you are asking for from your mother, for the same price.

And I honestly agree with someone else who said in future if I were you I wouldn't be so willing to jump to her every whim. Try spending the next couple of weeks telling her you're busy every time she asks for you to go over and feed the cats or take a food delivery for you. I don't think that's childish at all - I think a mother daughter relationship should be give and take and it sounds like she hasn't done much but use you and be pretty unpleasant to you. And if you did move in with her that would probably just get worse and you will end up resenting her even more than you already do. Believe me!

unoriginal_uk

victory wrote: »

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

And yet you call her your best friend?:eek:

Yes that confused me a little too.....

Cornish_piskie

I absolutely think that moving in would be a ruddy disaster! All this pent up resentment for everything she hasn't done for you in your whole life and you want to go live there? :rotfl:

This bit stands out for me:

Its just one debt, but its a biggy, £13000 loan which we've just got to clear everything else, between me and my partner, which costs £300 per month, but if we lived at home we could overpay by £700 a month meaning it would be cleared in a year and we could save for a deposit/uni etc.

It's not that you can't afford the loan (that you've 'just' taken out) it's that you want to pay it off quicker. Why should your mother give up at least a third of her home for you to do that? If you want to overpay - and don't get me wrong, that is a very good idea (but do check that you can without financial penalty from the loan company) then you need to come up with a strategy to do that yourselves. You can make cuts in your current lifestyle - I think you mentioned 'cars' (forgive me if I'm wrong) so could you make do with one? You can cut your food, entertainment and clothing budgets to save too. The advice to look into shared accommodation is an excellent one (would probably be less stressful than living with your mum as there's no emotional baggage/attachments). As other posters have said, have a look at and do an SOA on the debt free wannabe forum here

I understand where you are coming from - your mum sounds a bit like mine in lots of ways and the thought of moving back with her would make me :eek:

Good luck

HoneyAndLemon

unoriginal_uk wrote: »

To be honest your mother sounds a lot like mine. And I did end up moving back into my mothers house to sort my debts out etc etc and it was the worst thing I ever did. Now when I move out as I plan to shortly, I know my mother and I will never talk again - because living together after having space for a few years was the last straw!

I really sympathise with you and although I seem to be the minority here I think it does sound like your mum takes advantage of you - if what you say is true about her not really raising you and your granny having to raise you because she was out all the time etc. it sounds like she has never really been there for you.

My advise like some others on here would be see if you can find a flat share - do you know of any other couples who you could share with, or look on Gumtree for rooms to rent. You could get the same as what you are asking for from your mother, for the same price.

And I honestly agree with someone else who said in future if I were you I wouldn't be so willing to jump to her every whim. Try spending the next couple of weeks telling her you're busy every time she asks for you to go over and feed the cats or take a food delivery for you. I don't think that's childish at all - I think a mother daughter relationship should be give and take and it sounds like she hasn't done much but use you and be pretty unpleasant to you. And if you did move in with her that would probably just get worse and you will end up resenting her even more than you already do. Believe me!

Thank you. I think it takes someone who knows that not all parents were perhaps meant to be parents. After all I certainly wasn't planned. But she got on with it, and Im grateful she did. Maybe now she just feels like shes done.

HoneyAndLemon

Cornish_piskie wrote: »

I absolutely think that moving in would be a ruddy disaster! All this pent up resentment for everything she hasn't done for you in your whole life and you want to go live there? :rotfl:

This bit stands out for me:

Its just one debt, but its a biggy, £13000 loan which we've just got to clear everything else, between me and my partner, which costs £300 per month, but if we lived at home we could overpay by £700 a month meaning it would be cleared in a year and we could save for a deposit/uni etc.

It's not that you can't afford the loan (that you've 'just' taken out) it's that you want to pay it off quicker. Why should your mother give up at least a third of her home for you to do that? If you want to overpay - and don't get me wrong, that is a very good idea (but do check that you can without financial penalty from the loan company) then you need to come up with a strategy to do that yourselves. You can make cuts in your current lifestyle - I think you mentioned 'cars' (forgive me if I'm wrong) so could you make do with one? You can cut your food, entertainment and clothing budgets to save too. The advice to look into shared accommodation is an excellent one (would probably be less stressful than living with your mum as there's no emotional baggage/attachments). As other posters have said, have a look at and do an SOA on the debt free wannabe forum here

I understand where you are coming from - your mum sounds a bit like mine in lots of ways and the thought of moving back with her would make me :eek:

Good luck

Maybe my financial position isn't as dire as I make it out. It is certainly manageable, but I would just like to be in no debt lol. As I said I didnt think us moving back would be an issue because she had said it would be fine. Now we will just have to very strictly stick to our budget.

victory

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Thank you. I think it takes someone who knows that not all parents were perhaps meant to be parents. After all I certainly wasn't planned. But she got on with it, and Im grateful she did. Maybe now she just feels like shes done.

Your assuming, yet again with anger and resentment in your heart, plus a million more negative emotions towards your mum.

The more you post the worse the :eek:towards your mum is

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

365days wrote: »

Noted ; unmarried, in debt women mustn't get pregnant.:eek:

2013 not 1953

It's not ideal.

Actually, having done it at 19 (actually no debt, but unmarried), it's a miserable existence when you do it so young.

You can't do anything without having to ask somebody else's permission, ie, you only get to go out if somebody agrees to look after the child. You can't take any job you want, because the hours might be too long for a kid. You can't move anywhere you want, because you have to consider their schooling, childcare, contact with other family (relationships in the early twenties do not have a good track record in being lifelong marriages these days, whether children are around or not).

You can't take the lower paid job with fantastic prospects because you can't afford the childcare. A lot of places won't even invite you to interview, much less offer you a job because you're a single mum (the fiance side is never believed) and they think you're going to be expecting to go home early, never work over Christmas, expect the best weeks of the summer for holidays and get pregnant again in another couple of years).


And then on top of that, the child feels left out compared to the other kids, whose parents buy them fantastic toys, take them on holidays and generally make you feel like you're letting them down by not being the perfect middle class married couple who cannot bear to be away from their perfect offspring for more than a second.



I cheered a silent cheer on the day my eldest reached the age of 19 and three months, because at least she had broken the cycle of having a kid before the age of 20.



Your twenties are for living and establishing yourself, finding out who you are - not immersing yourself in poo and wee and watching everyone else get along nicely without you.

365days

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It's not ideal.

Actually, having done it at 19 (actually no debt, but unmarried), it's a miserable existence when you do it so young.

You can't do anything without having to ask somebody else's permission, ie, you only get to go out if somebody agrees to look after the child. You can't take any job you want, because the hours might be too long for a kid. You can't move anywhere you want, because you have to consider their schooling, childcare, contact with other family (relationships in the early twenties do not have a good track record in being lifelong marriages these days, whether children are around or not).

You can't take the lower paid job with fantastic prospects because you can't afford the childcare. A lot of places won't even invite you to interview, much less offer you a job because you're a single mum (the fiance side is never believed) and they think you're going to be expecting to go home early, never work over Christmas, expect the best weeks of the summer for holidays and get pregnant again in another couple of years).


And then on top of that, the child feels left out compared to the other kids, whose parents buy them fantastic toys, take them on holidays and generally make you feel like you're letting them down by not being the perfect middle class married couple who cannot bear to be away from their perfect offspring for more than a second.



I cheered a silent cheer on the day my eldest reached the age of 19 and three months, because at least she had broken the cycle of having a kid before the age of 20.



Your twenties are for living and establishing yourself, finding out who you are - not immersing yourself in poo and wee and watching everyone else get along nicely without you.

So 30 year old unmarried mothers in debt are acceptable then?

Maybe you should of said having a baby in your early 20's instead of what you actually said.

HoneyAndLemon

Interesting points Jojo. She was disappointed for me when I fell pregnant, like I was repeating her life. I think she just didnt want me to face the same difficulties she did.

The more I read on here the more I feel like she just feels like shes done her job as mum. She didnt choose to be a mum, but she did it, and now its time for her to get on with life. I dont say that with a bitter tone by the way, Im just trying to get my head round it all.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

365days wrote: »

So 30 year old unmarried mothers in debt are acceptable then?

Maybe you should of said having a baby in your early 20's instead of what you actually said.

It's not such a miserable existence in your 30s. You know who you are, what you want. You have seen a bit of life. And the odds are that you aren't still living with your parents, so you're independent.


That's why attainment levels of children born to older single mothers are higher than those born to younger ones. And levels of good health - in fact, every indicator of child welfare is improved with the older parent.