mum not letting me move back in..

McKneff

Stop being so resentful of your mum, you are now coming over like a spoiled brat. Ive never heard the like from an adult 'well if she wont to this for me she can forget about all the little things for her' do you happen to be stamping your feet at the same time.

She is doing exactly what she has taught you from being a child. To stand on your own two feet.

What was the loan for, did you really need it, could you have done without it. Why should you mum be made to suffer from your mistakes.
Get on to the debt free wannabee board, cut back your expenses, find somewhere cheaper to live. Your problem, you sort it. She will be proud of you for doing it.
Sorry to be blunt but I would be having the same conversation with my son/daughter if they got into the mess your in (and have done at one time.)

HoneyAndLemon

365days wrote: »

Have a hug! It sounds like this latest let down is just one in a string of let downs.

The old adage is, you can't change other people only yourself. You can't change your Mum, but you can change what you expect from her and therefore save yourself from a lot of future heartache.

And next time she asks for a delivery wait in, or to feed the cats, say sorry no not this time I'm busy.

Thank you for the kind words lol Im upset more than anything. More so because of peoples reactions in work, all the mums just said their kids would be welcome back anytime. Most of their kids still havent moved out though and they're older than me lol.

HoneyAndLemon

McKneff wrote: »

She is doing exactly what she has taught you from being a child. To stand on your own two feet.
/QUOTE]

This from the woman who borrowed hundreds of her 75 year old mum this month for her next holiday because shes blown all her own money? She owes our whole family money. Yes she taught me to stand on my own 2 feet, too bad she cant do it herself.

And yes I am resentful. Her reaction last year when I got pregnant was 'thank god you didnt move back in, I couldnt cope with a screaming baby', despite knowing we were already struggling, and when I had the miscarriage, 'oh crisis averted'. Not once did she offer any help.

pearl123

Get a bedsite or double room in an house. OP you sound like you hate your mother.
A little saying about money which is not meant to sound like I'm preaching! "Save it you've got it - spend it you've had it". Live within your means.

nickj_2

take a deep breath , say to your mother , despite how things are between us i still love you , but i don't like you sometimes , , i'll sort it myself then ,

you'll probably feel better off for sorting things out without your mums help ,

365days

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Thank you for the kind words lol Im upset more than anything. More so because of peoples reactions in work, all the mums just said their kids would be welcome back anytime. Most of their kids still havent moved out though and they're older than me lol.

But I'm guessing your Mum has been pretty different to other Mums throughout your life not just now.

It's really hard to accept sometimes that even though one can love their parents you don't actually have to like and respect their choices.

You aren't a kid anymore. You are an adult. You will always be her daughter but you don't need to be parented by her anymore. Maybe, just maybe, asking to go back was unconciously you giving her a chance to get it right this time.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Ok bit of background first....(this may be a long one sorry)

Mum was a single mum, taught me pretty young to be independant, was making my own dinner, doing laundry/cleaning etc for myself from about 10 years old, have always worked, even when at uni, from I was 15, asked for very little etc. Im 23 now.

Moved in with my OH about 2 years ago, however we are really struggling financially and have built up a bit of debt,and moving back home for even a year would really help us out massively. No one on his side have any room for us, but my mum lives in a 3 bedroom house on her own (one of them being my old room) and is hardly ever there anyway. She has always said we can move back if we ever needed to.

Now, we've been hinting for the last few months that we'd like to move back. However, mum has a new man. And shes always been the type that as soon as a new man was on the scene, I was tossed aside until they left her and then she'd lean heavily on me for support (emotionally, financially etc) So now shes got a new man, she needs to 'think about it' aka...she doesnt want us getting in the way of their hanky panky.

The reasons I'm annoyed are; we're not asking to move in for free, we're offering £300 per month, which would more than cover our share of the bills, plus buying our own food, we obviously would do all our own washing, cooking cleaning etc, we both drive so wont be asking for lifts, both work full time so won't be lazing about all day, she's a fitness instructor in the evenings so isnt home most of the time, and spends her weekends in his house in a town thats about an hour away, and she constantly asks me to go up to the house when shes away (every weekend almost, and everytime she goes on holiday- 8 holidays last year) to feed the cat, take in deliveries etc, which I think is a bit cheeky seeing as she isn't happy for us to live there.And shes also always going on about how we should have a big wedding instead of a basic one, and how I should go back to uni full time next year (I didnt finish my degree), yet has never saved a penny for me or offered me any money to help fund all this and knows I'm not in the position to do any of that right now.

Everyone I asked in work, who are all around her age, with children my age, said they would let their kids move back in no questions asked if they were struggling, with or without monthly pay etc. She would be financially better off and would be helping out her child. Yet she needs to 'think', and is yet again putting the new man in her life before me. There is no doubt in my mind if he wasn't on the scene she'd say yes straight away. Im really hurt that I cant even turn to my mum when I need her the most. Im also angry and honestly feel like never talking to her again. Its been a lifetime of things like this. I appreciate its her house, and she can let who she likes live there, but I just think that she should be there for me too, and its not like she doesnt have the room, or that we would be any inconvenience.

Can someone please offer their opinion, am I being spoilt? Or is it understandable I'm upset? I don't know where to go from here. Obviously I feel really unwelcome there now, but it would help us out so much. What should I say to her?

Thanks for reading x

OK.


I think that you are being a little bit stampy footed.

Just because people say they would let their kids move back in for a pittance, that doesn't mean they actually would. Plenty would say 'you're an adult, you've already not finished university, but you seem to think I should pay for you to do it like a ten year old who stopped going to piano lessons and now wants them again because everybody else you like plays something'.




You're an adult. It's your job to sort yourself out, not expect somebody else to come along and make all the bad stuff go away. Which by letting you move into her home for less than a bedsit rent is what she would be doing.

It's not just her kid though, is it - it's your boyfriend as well.


And, to be honest, she could easily be scared that she wouldn't get her house back afterwards - my ex MIL ended up with her son, his girlfriend (eventually wife), two children planned, conceived and born whilst living there rent free because they were living there for free for seven years. They thought they were just helping out for a couple of months whilst the ex and his OH got a deposit together.


A lot of older people will, when hearing of couples moving back in with mum, say 'how kind' whilst thinking 'sponging'. And some will think it's the same as they did.


Personally, no matter how much I love my DD1, I couldn't stand her first boyfriend and hell would have frozen over before I had him living in my home. I would have said 'let me think about it', whilst hoping they grew up and did things for themselves rather than expecting Mum to bail them out.



ETA: you seem to have a lot of unresolved issues. None of these would be solved by forcing her to take you and your boyfriend in.

elsien

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

More so because of peoples reactions in work, all the mums just said their kids would be welcome back anytime. Most of their kids still havent moved out though and they're older than me lol.

Yes, but what people say and what they'd do aren't necessarily the same thing. And although I know my mum would help me out if I needed, I also know me moving home would be an unmitigated disaster. Been there, done that, never again!

Tiglath

Even if you did move back, what are the chances that you'd end up not sticking to your budget anyway because your Mum would want extra money, if she's always asking family members for loans? I think you'd be wise to stay away and look at some of the other practical suggestions people have made. It's too late to be looking for ways to force your Mum to be a 'proper Mum' - it seems she's always been consistent at not being that, so I think you should forget that idea and carry on being independent. If you don't want to do weekend helps for her, just say No. Her life is too busy for you, and yours is too busy for her.

thistledome

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

And as I have pointed out, she expects me to drop everything for her every weekend when she goes away, and shes rarely at home. She also expects loans from me and the rest of the family all the time. Im the least selfish person I know, especially when it comes to my mum.

Really? Feeding someone's cat is not comparable to letting a couple come and live with you in your house when you're used to having your own place. Sorry OP, but I don't think she's the only one being selfish....

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Its just one debt, but its a biggy, £13000 loan which we've just got to clear everything else, between me and my partner, which costs £300 per month, but if we lived at home we could overpay by £700 a month meaning it would be cleared in a year and we could save for a deposit/uni etc.

It's your Mother's home, not yours.

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

My honest feeling on the whole thing, is that if she won't help me now, she can forget all the little things I constantly do for her.

Nice. :rotfl:

I'm not without sympathy for your situation OP. The advice to post a SOA on here is a good idea. I hope you find a way to deal with your debt.