mum not letting me move back in..

HoneyAndLemon

whitewing wrote: »

Have you tried doing a Statement of Affairs on the Debt free wannabe forum? That may give you some ides of how to improve your existing situation.

Its just one debt, but its a biggy, £13000 loan which we've just got to clear everything else, between me and my partner, which costs £300 per month, but if we lived at home we could overpay by £700 a month meaning it would be cleared in a year and we could save for a deposit/uni etc.

365days

I feel for you I really do. But I can see it from your Mum's point of view too.

Have you put a time limit on your suggestion. 'Can we move back for 6 months' or even 'Can we move back for 3 months rent free' She may be wary that by letting you move in, she may be 'stuck' with you forever!

She has her freedom now, looking at your ages she had you young, and is making up for all the years she was a young single Mum. I can see her point of view.

One thing I would say though is that she is not prepared to step up to the plate and help you out short term then make it very clear that you will not feel able to help her out in future.

CH27

You have got into the debt & you need to cut back to pay it off.

Your mum isn't being selfish but you are being selfish expecting your mum to drop everything to help you out given your difficult relationship.

HoneyAndLemon

365days wrote: »

I feel for you I really do. But I can see it from your Mum's point of view too.

Have you put a time limit on your suggestion. 'Can we move back for 6 months' or even 'Can we move back for 3 months rent free' She may be wary that by letting you move in, she may be 'stuck' with you forever!

She has her freedom now, looking at your ages she had you young, and is making up for all the years she was a young single Mum. I can see her point of view.

One thing I would say though is that she is not prepared to step up to the plate and help you out short term then make it very clear that you will not feel able to help her out in future.

Thanks for the reply. I can see her point of view too, she's got used to having her own space. I wouldn't say shes making up for lost time though, I spent every weekend of my childhood with my granny so she could go out. But I still see what you mean.

My honest feeling on the whole thing, is that if she won't help me now, she can forget all the little things I constantly do for her. It will cause fights, because she isn't used to me saying no to her, but I honestly cant take being let down and being ditched every time someone else comes along, and picking up the pieces when they leave.

skintchick

WHy don't you look into renting a double room in a shared house? That would probably be similar to what you're offering your mum, in terms of money.

I think your mum is within her rights not to have you move back in, whether or not most people would.

I think you'd be better off maintaining your independence and looking for somewhere cheaper to live temporarily.

HoneyAndLemon

CH27 wrote: »

You have got into the debt & you need to cut back to pay it off.

Your mum isn't being selfish but you are being selfish expecting your mum to drop everything to help you out given your difficult relationship.

Bit blunt but I know what you mean. Shes in £30k of debt herself on a £30k salary so I think she of all people should know how tough it is.

And as I have pointed out, she expects me to drop everything for her every weekend when she goes away, and shes rarely at home. She also expects loans from me and the rest of the family all the time. Im the least selfish person I know, especially when it comes to my mum.

ruby-roo_2

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

shes also always going on about how we should have a big wedding instead of a basic one, and how I should go back to uni full time next year (I didnt finish my degree), yet has never saved a penny for me or offered me any money to help fund all this and knows I'm not in the position to do any of that right now.

As you are in debt I dont think your mum suggesting that you should go for a big wedding is a sensible one. However her recommendation to finish your degree is wise. Maybe she feels that by doing this you would give yourself greater opportunities at securing well paid employment. Long term this can only help with your financial security in future. Something to consider when you are back on your feet and could fund this yourself.

Have you looked on the debt free wannabe board. If you post an SOA on there they could help you see ways to cut back your expenses and offer all kinds of useful advice on who to contact regarding making your current debt manageable.

I dont think moving back in with your mum is the answer really.

bellevie

Hiya,

not much advice on the family front, as I couldnt wait to leave home!

However, I was going to suggest, if she doesnt agree to have you there could you consider renting a room privately, eg as part of a houseshare? If its just for the sake of a year, depending where you are you might not pay a lot more than what you are offering your mum.
I rented a room, I was that eager to leave, and it was actually ok, at times it could be frustrating as some people took over the kitchen a bit, but thats to be expected in a houseshare.

Might be an option worth considering.

If you dont want a houseshare, can you scale down your current place, eg studio flat, or moving out slightly to a cheaper area?

365days

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I can see her point of view too, she's got used to having her own space. I wouldn't say shes making up for lost time though, I spent every weekend of my childhood with my granny so she could go out. But I still see what you mean.

My honest feeling on the whole thing, is that if she won't help me now, she can forget all the little things I constantly do for her. It will cause fights, because she isn't used to me saying no to her, but I honestly cant take being let down and being ditched every time someone else comes along, and picking up the pieces when they leave.

Have a hug! It sounds like this latest let down is just one in a string of let downs.

The old adage is, you can't change other people only yourself. You can't change your Mum, but you can change what you expect from her and therefore save yourself from a lot of future heartache.

And next time she asks for a delivery wait in, or to feed the cats, say sorry no not this time I'm busy.

HoneyAndLemon

bellevie wrote: »

Hiya,

not much advice on the family front, as I couldnt wait to leave home!

However, I was going to suggest, if she doesnt agree to have you there could you consider renting a room privately, eg as part of a houseshare? If its just for the sake of a year, depending where you are you might not pay a lot more than what you are offering your mum.
I rented a room, I was that eager to leave, and it was actually ok, at times it could be frustrating as some people took over the kitchen a bit, but thats to be expected in a houseshare.

Might be an option worth considering.

If you dont want a houseshare, can you scale down your current place, eg studio flat, or moving out slightly to a cheaper area?

We are looking for cheaper places now that mums doesnt look like a goer. I've done a budget for this year which if we stick to we should be able to overpay every month by a bit at least. Just being at home would mean that it would be cleared this year. Thank you though.