mum not letting me move back in..

HoneyAndLemon

Ok bit of background first....(this may be a long one sorry)

Mum was a single mum, taught me pretty young to be independant, was making my own dinner, doing laundry/cleaning etc for myself from about 10 years old, have always worked, even when at uni, from I was 15, asked for very little etc. Im 23 now.

Moved in with my OH about 2 years ago, however we are really struggling financially and have built up a bit of debt,and moving back home for even a year would really help us out massively. No one on his side have any room for us, but my mum lives in a 3 bedroom house on her own (one of them being my old room) and is hardly ever there anyway. She has always said we can move back if we ever needed to.

Now, we've been hinting for the last few months that we'd like to move back. However, mum has a new man. And shes always been the type that as soon as a new man was on the scene, I was tossed aside until they left her and then she'd lean heavily on me for support (emotionally, financially etc) So now shes got a new man, she needs to 'think about it' aka...she doesnt want us getting in the way of their hanky panky.

The reasons I'm annoyed are; we're not asking to move in for free, we're offering £300 per month, which would more than cover our share of the bills, plus buying our own food, we obviously would do all our own washing, cooking cleaning etc, we both drive so wont be asking for lifts, both work full time so won't be lazing about all day, she's a fitness instructor in the evenings so isnt home most of the time, and spends her weekends in his house in a town thats about an hour away, and she constantly asks me to go up to the house when shes away (every weekend almost, and everytime she goes on holiday- 8 holidays last year) to feed the cat, take in deliveries etc, which I think is a bit cheeky seeing as she isn't happy for us to live there.And shes also always going on about how we should have a big wedding instead of a basic one, and how I should go back to uni full time next year (I didnt finish my degree), yet has never saved a penny for me or offered me any money to help fund all this and knows I'm not in the position to do any of that right now.

Everyone I asked in work, who are all around her age, with children my age, said they would let their kids move back in no questions asked if they were struggling, with or without monthly pay etc. She would be financially better off and would be helping out her child. Yet she needs to 'think', and is yet again putting the new man in her life before me. There is no doubt in my mind if he wasn't on the scene she'd say yes straight away. Im really hurt that I cant even turn to my mum when I need her the most. Im also angry and honestly feel like never talking to her again. Its been a lifetime of things like this. I appreciate its her house, and she can let who she likes live there, but I just think that she should be there for me too, and its not like she doesnt have the room, or that we would be any inconvenience.

Can someone please offer their opinion, am I being spoilt? Or is it understandable I'm upset? I don't know where to go from here. Obviously I feel really unwelcome there now, but it would help us out so much. What should I say to her?

Thanks for reading x

elsien

Time for an open conversation with her to tell her how you feel?
You say you've hinted about moving in, have you come right out and explained the reasons for your request and why you think it would be workable? Does she know how much you're struggling?

There seem to me to be a lot of assumptions going on here - for example "so now shes got a new man, she needs to 'think about it' aka...she doesnt want us getting in the way of their hanky panky."

And a lot of resentment on your part about where you stand in relation to other people in her life and about " a lifetime of things like that."

Whatever the outcome, unless you're able to be upfront with each other, you're going to end up resentful and with a worse relationship.
I'm not saying who's right or wrong, just that a bit of openness might not go amiss. And even if it doesn't get you very far, at least you'll know where you stand and where to go from there.

fluffnutter

Your mum has let you down all your life and is still doing so. As painful as that is, you can't force her to let you move back; it really is up to her. If you feel resentful that you help her out in return for so little, then stop doing it.

The relationship between mother and child is the primary one in all our lives and if it's broken, there can be long-lasting painful effects.

I don't think you're spoilt and I understand why you're upset. But I don't think you have any right to ask her to reconsider.

marisco_2

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

She would be financially better off and would be helping out her child.

You are not a child any more though are you, you are 23. At some point every young person needs to get out into the world and stand on their own two feet without expecting to fall back on their parents when the going gets tough. Coping with the ups and downs of life, emotionally and financially, is all part of being an adult and forging your own way.

There are clearly huge unresolved issues between yourself and your mum over the way you have been raised and treated. The tone of your post makes it obvious there is an awful lot of resentment and you seem to have little respect for your mum or her choices. I would suspect she is well aware of this and not keen for you to move in because of the likelihood of there being an atmosphere in her home.

Maybe her relationship with this new man is developing. She might be planning on him moving in with her at some point, in which case I dont blame her for wanting to think things through before having two adults move in with her.

Probably not what you wanted to hear at all. I doubt moving home would be the right answer though considering the way you have portrayed your relationship with your mum.

ALIBOBSY

From what you have said there is a long history of you feeling let down and pushed aside by your Mum and whilst I can see its up to her who lives in her house the history suggests its purely based on selfish reasons.

Sadly she sounds the type of person who needs to cling to someone to validate herself. So you can take comfort in the fact that at least the one thing she has given you is the drive to stand on your own 2 feet and be independant.

TBH after having to move back to Mum and Dads after my divorce in my early 20's I can safety say it would take the end of world practically to make me move back with her. Moved back at Christmas-was in own flat by March lol.

If I were you I would get over to the debt forums and post a SOA as well as looking at the up your income board, maximize your income, minimize your spends and free yourself from her. TBH as a parent I would jump to help my kids whenever and where ever could, any person who puts a boyfriend/girlfriend ahead of a child doesn't deserve your time.

Ali x

victory

Why would you want to be with your mum when you don't particularly get on?

HoneyAndLemon

Thanks for the reply.

Yes we openly asked. Joked about it on Wednesday night after her asking me to go up and feed the cat this weekend, and I said 'we could just be permanent cat-sitters' and that we'd been thinking about moving back in again anyway, and she texted 'you can move in any time you need to'. Then was on the phone to her yesterday and said 'so what do you think', and she gave it the whole 'oh I don't know I need to think about it, we can meet up and have a talk'

I know its because of him, because we asked a few months ago when they'd not met long, and she wasn't too keen (despite always saying we could) because she was having him round more often and didn't want us getting in the way of them etc. We ended up just saying we'd stay where we were, but its getting really desperate now, hence why we asked again. She knows how deep we're in it.

whitewing

Have you tried doing a Statement of Affairs on the Debt free wannabe forum? That may give you some ides of how to improve your existing situation.

olibrofiz

Some people you have to spell it out to so as someone else suggested maybe you need to stop hinting and sit down with her and tell her.

If my DD moved out and then wanted to come back I would be there for her and try to do what was best for both of us. Be that helping her with a deposit for somewhere else or a trial period after being away from home.

Be honest with your mum.

Failing that I'd cram you in my 2 bed for £400 per month

HoneyAndLemon

marisco wrote: »

You are not a child any more though are you, you are 23. At some point every young person needs to get out into the world and stand on their own two feet without expecting to fall back on their parents when the going gets tough. Coping with the ups and downs of life, emotionally and financially, is all part of being an adult and forging your own way.

Well she's 42, and asks me, my granny, and my uncles all the time for money. I mean, all the time. Hundreds at a time. I haven't asked her for money, not even £1 in at least 3 years. I have stood on my own feet for a long time, more than she ever has. But sometimes everyone needs a little help. And I've never asked for any. And to be honest, she could do with the money herself.

I appreciate it may seem like well its her house so she can decide, but like its been said, she's reluctant for purely selfish reasons.

People are right though, there are issues which we don't talk about, purely because, despite all this, I love my mum to bits. She's like a best mate too, and as you can tell thats a good and bad thing, as sometimes its like she forgets shes my mum too.

I don't like confrontation,and I also don't want to hurt her, but I feel I need to tell her I feel let down by her. And that shes hurt me, for the last time.

nickj_2

i think i would bite the bullet and rent, somewhere smaller , cheaper and get yourself sorted out , i get on with my mother reasonably well, but hell would have to freeze over before i would consider moving back home ,
it appears that she has money , so your offer to pay your way hasn't given her the incentive to have you back .
surely , she has the right to put her life and new man before your needs , you have moved on ,you have your own life however i think any caring mother would want to help their kids ,
it's a tricky one , but i would try and get by without her help