mum not letting me move back in..

Mojisola

miss_scrooge wrote: »

Shes been like it for years since I was a kid mainly to do with her relationships. Worse with the man shes with now.

I always think family come first before relationships. Whatever the situation even when my dad died just finished telling her he had died talked a few minutes had to get off the phone because her husband got in the door.

I know she loves me just strange behaviour. Lots of other stuff she does that I can't explain maybe I should treat her the same but shes my mum. When she hasn't got a place to go one day she knows I will put her up I changed my mind once her face dropped.

It is too much cod-psychology to say that it sounds as if you keep putting your mother into scenarios when she "should" help you because you want her to be a "proper" mother?

You keep trying to have a "we all really love each" family but that isn't who your mother is and you can't change her by force. You are only hurting yourself by constantly hoping that she will respond in the way you want her to.

KxMx

It's not nice realising a parent has nasty traits.
It's painful to consider "taking a break" from them, but that consideration usually comes when you are at breaking point.
It is very hard to take that step back (especially if you have been manipulated by said parent).
But afterwards, even though it hurts, it can be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

OP, this is a long thread about mothers but you might find it interesting reading:
Here.

ska_lover

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Im trying to get us sorted out, which is why I asked her. She always said we could so I didnt think it'd be an issue. Its not the end of the world that we cant move back in, as I said we've done a budget, it just would have helped.

Moving back in with your mother else is in no way ''sorting yourself out''.

Sorting yourself out - actually means, as an adult that you take responsibilty for YOURSELF.

Honey and Lemon...You sound really immature for a person in their early/mid 20's.. Your mother has subsidised you as a single parent for most of your life, and now you are narked that she will not go back to doing it again. You seem to resent the fact that she now has a life of her own. What more is it that you WANT from this woman?? Has she not already done enough for you? Surely it is best she has a partner, rather than be alone? Perhaps pining for your return? Stop being selfish!

Most people are only one more emergency (financially) away from being in the brown stuff. You are not in a worse off position than most, you are in a better off position than many.

It is SO disloyal that you would be discussing it at work, I find that shocking!! And if you haven't already realised this, in the real world, most people will TELL YOU WHAT THEY THINK YOU WANT TO HEAR.. same as I would if you were moaning about it to me at work I would say ''ahh you poor thing'' etc...............whilst secretly thinking ''what a pathetic specimen''..Sorry but the forums do give us a certain freedom to be more honest than a quick chat round the water cooler at work.

PS - I would not let my adult child move home in these circumstances - if they ONLY had a spare £150 per month! This is not being on the breadline

HoneyAndLemon

ska_lover wrote: »

Moving back in with your mother else is in no way ''sorting yourself out''.

Sorting yourself out - actually means, as an adult that you take responsibilty for YOURSELF.

Honey and Lemon...You sound really immature for a person in their early/mid 20's.. Your mother has subsidised you as a single parent for most of your life, and now you are narked that she will not go back to doing it again. You seem to resent the fact that she now has a life of her own. What more is it that you WANT from this woman?? Has she not already done enough for you?

Most people are only one more emergency (financially) away from being in the brown stuff. You are not in a worse off position than most, you are in a better off position than many.

It is SO disloyal that you would be discussing it at work, I find that shocking!!

Moving back in with her was the cheapest option and up until I actually asked her she had said it was no problem. It obviously is and now I am looking at other options as I have clearly said in previous posts. Thanks for your contributions

dktreesea

olibrofiz wrote: »

Some people you have to spell it out to so as someone else suggested maybe you need to stop hinting and sit down with her and tell her.

If my DD moved out and then wanted to come back I would be there for her and try to do what was best for both of us. Be that helping her with a deposit for somewhere else or a trial period after being away from home.

Be honest with your mum.

Failing that I'd cram you in my 2 bed for £400 per month

I would feel like that if it were just one of my children, on their own, moving back home. But it's a somewhat different scenario in this case, is it not? OP wants to move back home with her OH.

I wouldn't be so inclined to let my children move back in if they were wanting to bring their other half along.

lady1964

One of my DD's lives with her BF and honestly, if they needed a roof over their head because they were about to be evicted/homeless then of course I would take them in. If they were in the situation the OP is in, I would offer advice in terms of ways to help pay off their debt quicker but I don't think I would take them both in for a year, much as I love my DD and like her BF, it wouldn't work for all of us.

OP, I agree with the suggestions about going over to the debt free wannabe board, I often read there, it's fascinating to see what people do to clear their debts (& I'm not in any debt fortunately) but it's still really interesting and could be very helpful for you.

In terms of your mum, she may not have been the best mum in the world and she may be thinking of herself rather than you, but 42 is young these days and although she initially offered, clearly to me at least, is having second thoughts and she's entitled to do that. It would be awful for you all if she let you both move in and everything went wrong - that could ruin your relationship for good.

In terms of not helping her out, going over to hers to feed her cats/ take delivery of her Tesco order, just tell her you can't drive over as you don't have the spare money for petrol as you're trying to clear your debts. I don't mean for you to say it in an accusing 'you didn't help me' way, just state the facts - you are trying to clear debts and the additional petrol cost is money that would be better thrown at your debt.

As for the rest - be firm, be independent, don't loan her any money for the reasons mentioned above and take the advice on here who I think give excellent advice.

Good luck with it.

dktreesea

KxMx wrote: »

It's not nice realising a parent has nasty traits.
It's painful to consider "taking a break" from them, but that consideration usually comes when you are at breaking point.
It is very hard to take that step back (especially if you have been manipulated by said parent).
But afterwards, even though it hurts, it can be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

OP, this is a long thread about mothers but you might find it interesting reading:
Here.

But I could look at that from a parent's point of view and then it could sound something like:

It's not nice realising a DD or DS has traits that make you have second thoughts about whether you want to live with them, especially as they expect you to take on their OH as well.

It's very hard as a parent to step back (especially if you feel you have been manipulated by the said DS or DD in the past) and consider if what is being requested is in your own best interests, even if it is clearly in the interest of the DS or DD.

Afterwards, even though people might get hurt, it might be the best thing for yourself to not let them move in with you.

KxMx

dktreesea wrote: »

But I could look at that from a parent's point of view and then it could sound something like:

It's not nice realising a DD or DS has traits that make you have second thoughts about whether you want to live with them, especially as they expect you to take on their OH as well.

It's very hard as a parent to step back (especially if you feel you have been manipulated by the said DS or DD in the past) and consider if what is being requested is in your own best interests, even if it is clearly in the interest of the DS or DD.

Afterwards, even though people might get hurt, it might be the best thing for yourself to not let them move in with you.

And that is absolutely fine too.

But I think from the OP there are two issues, her upset at not being allowed to move back in, and things that have passed between her and her mother which may be considered by some with experience (ie me) to be a red flag.

That is why I posted a link to the thread about narcissistic mothers. I didn't go in to the first issue but was talking about the second. Others had given advice about OP stepping back from her mum and I was following that on.

There are rotten parents out there. Just like there are rotten offspring lol!

grey_lady

The difference is, is that kids want to put their parents on a pedestal - to be loved, so the OP assumed that because she bends over backwards to help her mum out and that because her mum had told her should times be tough that she could move back home, then she could - because mum (up on that pedestal) had told her so.

Reality can sometimes be different, but i don't think the OP is being unreasonable here, just coming down to earth and learning that parents arent perfect and are fallible.

dktreesea

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Our outgoings currently equal our income, bar about £150-200 which we want to over pay with. All it takes is one more emergency and we're screwed. We wont be able to borrow any more and we've very little savings. We're right on the brink. So yeah I'm worried. And I know unexpected things happen, with a car accident and unplanned pregnancy last year Im worried what will happen and if we would cope. Shame on me for trying to think ahead and get out of the mess before its too late.

Welcome to the real world. A lot of people live like that, just from hand to mouth. We live in a low income society. If you are able to reduce your debts over time, however slowly, then you are doing well and should give yourself a pat on the back.