mum not letting me move back in..

Hanging_by_a_thread

OP what happens in this scenario? Lets say you clear your debts in the next year, with help from your mum letting you move in. Then you get approved for a mortgage. In this fragile climate one or other of you loses your job and you fall behind with mortgage payments. Are you going to expect your mum to take you both in again whilst you get back on track? At what stage of life are you going to rely solely on yourself and partner and not expect your mum to help you?

You have a very bad opinion of your mum and how she manages her finances. I think it is quite disloyal to come onto an open forum and slag someone off the way you have, when you are wanting them to bend over backwards to help you. Can you not see that in a way you are behaving the same way as her. You want an easy ride at your mums, reducing your outgoings greatly, so as to clear a debt that you could manage. Your mum might not be giving you cash in hand as others have done for her. However the end result is that thanks to her there would be more money staying in your pocket. She would effectively be subbing you yet you see it as helping her out.

Your posts on this thread are fuill of contradictions. You say you are struggling then things aren't so dire and are manageable. One minute your mum is awful and selfish then she is your best friend. You can get by if you stick to a strict budget (which is what we all do). Then you are worried sick if one more thing goes wrong.

It is extremely telling that you thanked the person who advised you to manipulate your mum into getting your own way. The apple never falls far from the tree does it :cool: Narcissistic people aren't stupid and I suspect she would see through you. If she is narcissistic all that would achieve is getting you written out the will and all your inheritance being left to a cats home.

McKneff

Remember, we are all hearing just one side of this whole story.

I wish mum would get on here and give her side.

Dunroamin

tenke wrote: »

This post is SO spot on !!:T

First I'm sending you the BIGGEST VIRTUAL HUG I am able to !!:j
Having a narcissistic mother myself, I know of the utter pain, and desolation it feels, when your own mother cannot feel compassion for you, her child..:(

The utter imcomprehension of the whole thing made to research and research, trying to find answers, until I did in the form of the document I will attach here, for you to read and maybe try to make sense of it all..:(

I cried my eyes out for a long time, when I read it because I could see all my life put in paper by a complete stranger,and though the pain was still lascerating, it gave me at least a way to understand it..

I hope it helps you:o

Having a narcissistic mother is like an open wound, that will only heal, when either of you is gone ( that's my opinion and how i feel it anyway)

Here is the link

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

What a load of American psychobabble rubbish!

Dunroamin

McKneff wrote: »

Remember, we are all hearing just one side of this whole story.

I wish mum would get on here and give her side.

I think most of us can see the mother'side perfectly well.

Daughter wants to move herself and bf in for a pittance and pay off loan early off the back of mother's subsidising them. It puts the bf in Avery bad light that he seems to be prepared to be a party to this.

Pthree

Not read all of the replies but if someone offered me £300/month for 2 people??????? I would say no too!

Grow up!

sharp910sh

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Ok bit of background first....(this may be a long one sorry)

Mum was a single mum, taught me pretty young to be independant, was making my own dinner, doing laundry/cleaning etc for myself from about 10 years old, have always worked, even when at uni, from I was 15, asked for very little etc. Im 23 now.

Moved in with my OH about 2 years ago, however we are really struggling financially and have built up a bit of debt,and moving back home for even a year would really help us out massively. No one on his side have any room for us, but my mum lives in a 3 bedroom house on her own (one of them being my old room) and is hardly ever there anyway. She has always said we can move back if we ever needed to.

Now, we've been hinting for the last few months that we'd like to move back. However, mum has a new man. And shes always been the type that as soon as a new man was on the scene, I was tossed aside until they left her and then she'd lean heavily on me for support (emotionally, financially etc) So now shes got a new man, she needs to 'think about it' aka...she doesnt want us getting in the way of their hanky panky.

The reasons I'm annoyed are; we're not asking to move in for free, we're offering £300 per month, which would more than cover our share of the bills, plus buying our own food, we obviously would do all our own washing, cooking cleaning etc, we both drive so wont be asking for lifts, both work full time so won't be lazing about all day, she's a fitness instructor in the evenings so isnt home most of the time, and spends her weekends in his house in a town thats about an hour away, and she constantly asks me to go up to the house when shes away (every weekend almost, and everytime she goes on holiday- 8 holidays last year) to feed the cat, take in deliveries etc, which I think is a bit cheeky seeing as she isn't happy for us to live there.And shes also always going on about how we should have a big wedding instead of a basic one, and how I should go back to uni full time next year (I didnt finish my degree), yet has never saved a penny for me or offered me any money to help fund all this and knows I'm not in the position to do any of that right now.

Everyone I asked in work, who are all around her age, with children my age, said they would let their kids move back in no questions asked if they were struggling, with or without monthly pay etc. She would be financially better off and would be helping out her child. Yet she needs to 'think', and is yet again putting the new man in her life before me. There is no doubt in my mind if he wasn't on the scene she'd say yes straight away. Im really hurt that I cant even turn to my mum when I need her the most. Im also angry and honestly feel like never talking to her again. Its been a lifetime of things like this. I appreciate its her house, and she can let who she likes live there, but I just think that she should be there for me too, and its not like she doesnt have the room, or that we would be any inconvenience.

Can someone please offer their opinion, am I being spoilt? Or is it understandable I'm upset? I don't know where to go from here. Obviously I feel really unwelcome there now, but it would help us out so much. What should I say to her?

Thanks for reading x

It is her house at the end of the day. She can do as she pleases. If she has a new man good for her. She is not committing any crime by not letting you stay. Go back to university and get a better job. I would never expect my mother to bring me back in to her house.

If I had kids I would do the same as your mum, tell them they are grown up now. You can fend for yourself.

You need to sort out your money problems, rather than going to your mother. You have no right to live there. You are 23!!! I am 23 and wouldn't feel bad if my mother said I cannot live there. She wants to get on with her life and her new man.

Go on with life.

marisco_2

tenke wrote: »

First I'm sending you the BIGGEST VIRTUAL HUG I am able to !!:j
Having a narcissistic mother myself, I know of the utter pain, and desolation it feels, when your own mother cannot feel compassion for you, her child..:(

Oh please, some people are unbelievably gullible. I dont believe a word the OP has written about her mum. Right from the beginning we were painted a picture far worse than it actually is, no doubt in an attempt to win a sympathy vote. Have you read this whole thread? Did you not notice all the inconsistencies with this tale of woe?

I think what we have here is an immature, stroppy, spoilt brat who is furious because mummy wont allow her to move back home. All the time trying to paint herself in the best possible light, yet tripping herself up along the way! One minute mum is her best friend. Then there are threats to have nothing more to do with her if she says no. Moments of reasoning in that she hates confrontation and it is her mums decision to then saying mum is saying no for purely selfish reasons. All because she cant have the easy life she wants and be able to clear a huge debt she and the boyfriend have got themselves into.

This young woman thinks offering someone £300 a month to have two adults living with them is doing someone a huge favour. There is a really uncomfortable level of entitlement and an obvious anger at not getting her own way. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she took meritatens advice and resorted to blackmailing her mother into allowing her back home.

meer53

I've skimmed the thread too.

I'm a mum. My view is that your financial problems are yours to sort out. This has nothing to do with how you were brought up or how your mum acts. Your mum has just as much right to live her life as she sees fit as you do.

If your reasons for wanting to move back in were different, for example ill health, then she might feel differently.

If it were me, i'd feel the same as your mum. Don't knock her for feeling like that, you're an adult, act like one.

VestanPance

You're an adult. It's not for your mum to sort your mess out financially or otherwise, it's yours. If you want your mum to treat you like an adult, act like one.

Nicki

What's interesting is that as skintchick suggested OP COULD move into a house share which would be no different in reality to moving back in with her mother, only that she would be living with strangers not her mother. But what she wants is to force her mother to live in a houseshare, against her mother's own wishes. I'm only a few years older than OP's mum and I wouldn't fancy that at all! I think what OP really wants is to move back in with mum, pay £300 per month for her and her boyfriend, and have her mum do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry for 3 as otherwise why on earth is it so important to her that she lives with mum other than some other adults nearer her own age?

The second thing which jumps out is that OP is 23 and has already run up debts of £13k. That's an enormous amount in a very short time and there is no explanation as to how that came about. The phrase: you've made your own bed, now lie in it springs to mind.

The final question for OP is this: how old do you think you need to be before your mum no longer has an obligation in your eyes to let you move back into her home? You have already moved out so this isn't a question of a young adult being thrown out on the streets when she turns 18, but a grown adult now asking to move in. I suspect when you add in increased usage of energy and water, loss of single person council tax rebate, phone and internet usage, that the cost of you moving in exceeds the £300 you have offered - but even if you just break even why should your mum allow this when you are not homeless or destitute?

I left home at 18 and although my mother is perfectly pleasant it would not have occurred to me at 23 to decide that she should take me back in. I was in fact married with a house, job and mortgage at that age and capable of making my own financial decisions in life.