mum not letting me move back in..

Padstow

marisco wrote: »

Oh please, some people are unbelievably gullible. I dont believe a word the OP has written about her mum. Right from the beginning we were painted a picture far worse than it actually is, no doubt in an attempt to win a sympathy vote. Have you read this whole thread? Did you not notice all the inconsistencies with this tale of woe?

I think what we have here is an immature, stroppy, spoilt brat who is furious because mummy wont allow her to move back home. All the time trying to paint herself in the best possible light, yet tripping herself up along the way! One minute mum is her best friend. Then there are threats to have nothing more to do with her if she says no. Moments of reasoning in that she hates confrontation and it is her mums decision to then saying mum is saying no for purely selfish reasons. All because she cant have the easy life she wants and be able to clear a huge debt she and the boyfriend have got themselves into.

This young woman thinks offering someone £300 a month to have two adults living with them is doing someone a huge favour. There is a really uncomfortable level of entitlement and an obvious anger at not getting her own way. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she took meritatens advice and resorted to blackmailing her mother into allowing her back home.

BIB. Therein lies the problem as I see it, mums are mums and friends are friends, and I've been shot down in the past here for daring to state it, but for me, never the two should be mixed.
Of course come to mum as a friend, but a mum should remain a, dare I say it, Mother.

Seems mum and honey were more like flatmates and good friends, than mother and daughter. Mum having had honey at age 19 and at the age of ten, honey was fending for herself, shipped off to gran's at weekends.
That was a tough upbringing. Imagine our children coping with that? I couln't bear to think of it.

So I believe I understand honey's upbringing

Thing is honey, you had my every sympathy until you mentioned the £150-200 surplus each month, then you lost any empathy from me whatsover, moneywise.

If I had that, I'd be a rich woman.

When I needed a new car tyre, I lived on dregs for a week. After buying dog food for the week I had like a pound left.

One day was poppadoms, next was a glut of plums from the bottom of the freezer, another breaking lasagne sheets to resemble spaghetti, dished up with a drop of oil and garlic.

That crisis over, I then couldn't afford fuel to drive, even having drained the lawnmower into the tank. (Live miles off a bus route.)
. Once I'd coped with that, the car needed many turns as the battery was flat due to no use. Drive the car to charge battery, more fuel used and so it goes on. That's poor.
That's down from a high standard of living and then to nothing.

You are not financially poor, but I think you need maternal, nurtering type love from your mother, which isn't going to happen.
I bet if she gave you a big hug, saying how much she loved you, you wouldn't care about money or living with her.

She'll never be a warm, loving mum, so you have to face up to that fact, and I'm sorry for you. Her fault, not yours.

I did wonder if all's right with you and your boyfriend, you needing your mum and all?

Please don't go to live with her as I can think of so many complications.
Breaking up with the boyfriend./ Boohooing when he dumps her.
Needing a loan/Draining your cash.
More housesitting demands. Stress, more cash draining.


Stuff that monthly surplus away for those emergencies. In 6 months, you'll have a Grand in the kitty. Whoohoo!

You'll be rich girl.!

HoneyAndLemon

Scotti-Thanks for the kind words

Persa- unfortunately it's a burden I have to have. Who else will? I honestly don't think it will last with the new guy so I have a responsibility to look after her

Padstow-The surplus money each month is only from this month on, now that we've got the loan to clear everything. There was nothing left before. And thats why I want to pay it off the loan each month. Though I should probably put some of it towards an emergency fund. Me and fiance are ok now, it was a rough year last year with everything that happened, but we are trying to create a better future for ourselves now. Thanks

Nicki

Padstow wrote: »

Mum having had honey at age 19 and at the age of ten, honey was fending for herself, shipped off to gran's at weekends.
That was a tough upbringing. Imagine our children coping with that? I couln't bear to think of it.

Depends completely on the context I think.

My mum and dad both worked when I was 10, and we were certainly expected to do the kind of housework which OP describes to help the house run smoothly. Not the whole of the housework, but at 10, my chores were to hoover and dust, clean bathrooms, do the family ironing (other than dad's work shirts), wash up and walk the family dog when I came home from school. I was also able to and from time to time expected to make a simple meal for myself (eg beans on toast/scrambled egg/etc) and to turn the oven on for food for the whole family to be ready when mum and dad got home.

If OP's mum was a young single mother working full time, why was it so unreasonable to ask her daughter to do some of the chores to help out? Asking her to do all the chores or to cook every night of the week would be a different matter but that isn't what OP says happened.

As for being sent to the granny every weekend, this happens in lots of families. We live a long way from both sets of grandparents so have never personally done it, but friends of my children who have grandparents who live locally often go and spend one night a week with granny, and love this and look forward to it.

I've never been a single parent and am very glad of that because being one of two parents is a hard enough slog sometimes. I can't find it in my heart to say that a 28 year old single mum who lets granny babysit her child one day a week and expects some help with the household chores has some kind of pathalogical mental condition or that this all adds up to OP having a tough childhood.

zzzLazyDaisy

marisco wrote: »

There is a really uncomfortable level of entitlement and an obvious anger at not getting her own way.

This ^^^^


There are two sides to every story.

In fact, although I have read the thread, I haven't actually seen anything to suggest that the mother has said 'no' (apologies if I have missed something).

What I understood, was that OP's mum has said that she would need to think about it, and that they should talk about it. To me that is a sensible and adult response to a proposition that would be likely to have a big impact on her home life.

The daughter's response to what is, in my view, understandable caution and wanting to discuss the situation before making a commitment, would have me back peddling madly.

kelpie35

Well OP use the money you save on cat sitting, home delivery for messages and loans to your mother to go towards your bank loan.

I am sure you might be able to clear it very soon as you sound a very mature young lady.

Good luck in the future.

HoneyAndLemon

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

This ^^^^


There are two sides to every story.

In fact, although I have read the thread, I haven't actually seen anything to suggest that the mother has said 'no' (apologies if I have missed something).

What I understood, was that OP's mum has said that she would need to think about it, and that they should talk about it. To me that is a sensible and adult response to a proposition that would be likely to have a big impact on her home life.

The daughter's response to what is, in my view, understandable caution and wanting to discuss the situation before making a commitment, would have me back peddling madly.

Despite telling me numerous times it would be fine to move back in?

What about the commitment Im willing to make to have her move in with me and OH when she will need it?

And in response to the other post about it being reasonable to expect me to do some chores etc, I totally agree. However what I do resent, was having to do all the chores, and all my own washing etc, and when ever the dinner wasn't ready for her getting home all hell would let loose, from a very young age. Most nights I wouldnt get started on schoolwork til about 8pm, then it was to bed. I never had much down time, and cant remember going out with friends after school. I only started going out with friends at weekends when I was about 17. However some posters seem to be determined to make excuses for my mum and make me out to be immature. I wish I had been given the chance to be immature. I always felt much older than my years. Even my mum says how 'sad' I am for not going out now- she goes out drinking every weekend. Due to us always being skint I never really go out anymore.

Dunroamin

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Not sure to be honest. We all work full time. We were never really in each others way last time we all lived there. However, her house her decision at the end of the day, regardless of how I feel.

By which you mean that she wasn't in your way. You have no idea how your mother might have felt about it.

HoneyAndLemon

Dunroamin wrote: »

By which you mean that she wasn't in your way. You have no idea how your mother might have felt about it.

She actually tried to convince us to stay.

She said renting somewhere would be wasting money and we should just stay put and save. Ironically enough now that we actually agree with her its too late lol.

zzzLazyDaisy

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Despite telling me numerous times it would be fine to move back in?

Your mum hasn't said 'no', has she? She has said that she wants to talk about it. She may well be wanting to clear the air and lay down ground rules before you move in, rather then have you make assumptions about what will/should happen. I think this is a reasonable response from an adult woman currently living on her own, with health problems, and just starting a new relationship, who is considering having two young adults moving into her home. Clearly you don't believe that it is reasonable to want to talk things through, and you have thrown a hissy fit on a public forum. TBH, in her shoes, that attitude would worry me.

What about the commitment Im willing to make to have her move in with me and OH when she will need it?

She is in her 40's, for goodness sake. Even with her health problems she may be a long time before she needs such a high level of care, and even then, she may feel that moving in with you and your partner is not what she wants or needs.

Others have suggested that you and your OH rent a room in a shared house. You would retain your independence, and save money which would go towards paying your debts. Why you are so determined to live with someone who you believe does not want you to move in, and against whom you so clearly have a high level of anger and resentment, is beyond me.

365days

I will wager a bet that when the latest 'love of her life' leaves she will be snivelling to you begging you to come back.

Don't.