mum not letting me move back in..

gizmo111

I haven't read all pages but if it was my daughter then I would be happy for her to move back in with me at any time at any age with any amount of debt/kids - the boyfriend would be a different matter.

HoneyAndLemon

Nicki wrote: »

What's interesting is that as skintchick suggested OP COULD move into a house share which would be no different in reality to moving back in with her mother, only that she would be living with strangers not her mother. But what she wants is to force her mother to live in a houseshare, against her mother's own wishes. I'm only a few years older than OP's mum and I wouldn't fancy that at all! I think what OP really wants is to move back in with mum, pay £300 per month for her and her boyfriend, and have her mum do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry for 3 as otherwise why on earth is it so important to her that she lives with mum other than some other adults nearer her own age?

The second thing which jumps out is that OP is 23 and has already run up debts of £13k. That's an enormous amount in a very short time and there is no explanation as to how that came about. The phrase: you've made your own bed, now lie in it springs to mind.

The final question for OP is this: how old do you think you need to be before your mum no longer has an obligation in your eyes to let you move back into her home? You have already moved out so this isn't a question of a young adult being thrown out on the streets when she turns 18, but a grown adult now asking to move in. I suspect when you add in increased usage of energy and water, loss of single person council tax rebate, phone and internet usage, that the cost of you moving in exceeds the £300 you have offered - but even if you just break even why should your mum allow this when you are not homeless or destitute?

I left home at 18 and although my mother is perfectly pleasant it would not have occurred to me at 23 to decide that she should take me back in. I was in fact married with a house, job and mortgage at that age and capable of making my own financial decisions in life.

Right let me clarify a few things. If you read the whole thread you would know I have done my own cooking, cleaning, laundry etc since I was 10.

Second, I didn't come on asking for financial advice, I realise WE have debts, not just me its a joint loan. If you must know what its for, its from a combination of things, debt I built up as a student (pretty sure Im not the only one thats ever done that), a loan that my OH took out for his sister before he met me and she didnt bother paying off so we had to borrow to clear the arrears (mistake- I could have warned him about the joys of lending to family had I known him at the time) and also for ONE CAR, don't know where people got the impression we had 2. And for insurance for both of us, which inevitably increased a lot this year due to the accident I had last year, and various other things I got cleared by taking out the loan. I appreicate its a lot and I am trying to get a handle on things this year. Nowhere on this thread did I try and bury my head in the sand that the level of debt Im in is acceptable.

Third, we live in NI, so there is so council tax or water rates etc. Her rates are low and we paid her £300 per month the last time we lived there and it more than covered our share of the bills. In fact, she even bought our food last time for that amount and never complained we weren't paying enough, even when I asked if she needed more. I thought £300 plus buying our food this time would be ok, if she needed more she would ask. The issue for her this time is us being back at all, regardless of money.

Finally, I have pointed out several times, that my mum always said we could move back in. It was only this week when I ASKED her outright if we could, (I didnt just say we're moving in) that she said she'd need to think about it. This caught me off guard, as even on Tuesday night she had texted me saying we always could. I am upset as I feel it was perhaps an empty promise, and now faced with it, she has changed her mind. I understand that she has every right to. I came on here to talk about the reasons I'm upset and that I feel let down. Regardless of wether or not I have the right to be, I am upset.

Also people have commented on me contradicting myself. However, some people are stating that it's unbelievable that I am in £13k of debt, yet others are making out I'm not in a bad position at all. Welcome to my head! On the one hand I know its managable now, but I would be concerned should anything else happen.
Then there is the picture I have painted of my mum. It would be impossible for me to give you all a 100% accurate idea of the relationship we've had over 23 years. I realise its complicated. Being just the 2 of us for so long we could be laughing our heads off one minute, and ready for killing each other the next. As others have said, I'll always love my mum, just I don't like her very much sometimes. All families are complicated are they not? None of us like our families all the time. So forgive me if I've given a mixed message, it's clear that I'm confused by it all myself.

From reading all your posts its pretty clear me moving back home would not solve anything. I had decided against it as soon as my mum said she'd need to think about it. I wouldn't want to move in somewhere where there would be an atmosphere.

I didn't look at things like houseshares etc, as I didnt realise my mum would say no so please stop banging on about that. I have said at least twice now that I am now looking at alternatives to save money.

I don't think I will bring it up with my mum again. Unleashing 23 years of built up resentment on her over this probably wouldn't be very fair. I will simply be more careful not to leave myself open to be called upon so easily. It should be about give and take and she cant rely on me so heavily anymore. Im an adult now as you all point out and I have my own life to get on with, and she needs to get on with hers too.

Mojisola

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

From reading all your posts its pretty clear me moving back home would not solve anything. I had decided against it as soon as my mum said she'd need to think about it. I wouldn't want to move in somewhere where there would be an atmosphere.

I will simply be more careful not to leave myself open to be called upon so easily. It should be about give and take and she cant rely on me so heavily anymore.

Im an adult now as you all point out and I have my own life to get on with, and she needs to get on with hers too.

I'm glad you've got to this point. From what you've said, you've been "mothering" your mother for years - it's time she learnt to do without you for a while.

mountainofdebt

OP

Junior only went to Uni last September but do you know what?

As much as I love his visits home (and he's only about a 90 min drive away) I'm glad when he goes back

Not beause I don't love him but I've got used to him not being under my feet when he's here.

Could it be the same with your mum?

HoneyAndLemon

Nicki wrote: »

What's interesting is that as skintchick suggested OP COULD move into a house share which would be no different in reality to moving back in with her mother, only that she would be living with strangers not her mother. But what she wants is to force her mother to live in a houseshare, against her mother's own wishes. I'm only a few years older than OP's mum and I wouldn't fancy that at all! I think what OP really wants is to move back in with mum, pay £300 per month for her and her boyfriend, and have her mum do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry for 3 as otherwise why on earth is it so important to her that she lives with mum other than some other adults nearer her own age?

The second thing which jumps out is that OP is 23 and has already run up debts of £13k. That's an enormous amount in a very short time and there is no explanation as to how that came about. The phrase: you've made your own bed, now lie in it springs to mind.

The final question for OP is this: how old do you think you need to be before your mum no longer has an obligation in your eyes to let you move back into her home? You have already moved out so this isn't a question of a young adult being thrown out on the streets when she turns 18, but a grown adult now asking to move in. I suspect when you add in increased usage of energy and water, loss of single person council tax rebate, phone and internet usage, that the cost of you moving in exceeds the £300 you have offered - but even if you just break even why should your mum allow this when you are not homeless or destitute?

I left home at 18 and although my mother is perfectly pleasant it would not have occurred to me at 23 to decide that she should take me back in. I was in fact married with a house, job and mortgage at that age and capable of making my own financial decisions in life.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

OP

Junior only went to Uni last September but do you know what?

As much as I love his visits home (and he's only about a 90 min drive away) I'm glad when he goes back

Not beause I don't love him but I've got used to him not being under my feet when he's here.

Could it be the same with your mum?

Not sure to be honest. We all work full time. We were never really in each others way last time we all lived there. However, her house her decision at the end of the day, regardless of how I feel.

meer53

"Unleashing 23 years of built up resentment on her over this probably wouldn't be very fair."

Wow ! If i thought my son or daughter would ever think this ^ i would be absolutely devastated.

Do you really mean it ? Or are you just being a drama queen because you won't get your own way this time ?

HoneyAndLemon

I was unsure of whether or not to mention this but I think it maybe explains a bit more why I'm upset. I was worried people would jump down my throat for it.

Basically, mum was diagnosed with very very mild MS a few years ago. She doesnt have any issues now, but we've been told in the future she probably will. Up until last year she was on her own.

We had made a plan that when me and OH buy a house we would try and find somewhere that would eventually be big enough for her too, and that we could alter should she have mobility issues. The plan was always that she would actually, move in with me someday.

However a couple of weeks ago she made a comment that now, her new man, who she has been with for a matter of months, would be looking after her in the future. He has not made any indication that he wishes to live with her or remarry (he was widowed after 30 years less than a year when he met my mum) therefore I worry that she will indeed still be on her own. So I still believe she will be with me one day.

I know you will all say well she has every right to enjoy her freedom in the mean time and I know that. But I just thought considering our future plans she would be ok with me being home.

pupsicola

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Third, we live in NI, so there is so council tax or water rates etc. Her rates are low and we paid her £300 per month the last time we lived there and it more than covered our share of the bills. In fact, she even bought our food last time for that amount and never complained we weren't paying enough, even when I asked if she needed more. Regardless of wether or not I have the right to be, I am upset.

Unleashing 23 years of built up resentment on her over this probably wouldn't be very fair. I will simply be more careful not to leave myself open to be called upon so easily. It should be about give and take and she cant rely on me so heavily anymore. Im an adult now as you all point out and I have my own life to get on with, and she needs to get on with hers too.

You are 23 and yet you have 23 years of built up resentment toward your mum. Has there ever been a time where you have appreciated all she has done for you? All we have heard on this thread is how awful she is and your dislike for her.

She has been painted in a very bad light through this thread. You leave it till seven pages in to say that she has allowed you both to move back home at least once before. At that time the small amount of board you gave her covered the bills and all your food.

Maybe she feels she has done enough. That the help she gave you when you last lived with her should have given you the opportunity to sort yourself out. Perhaps she thinks that at 23 you need to get on with it and sort your debt out in time without having to disrupt her life again. That is not selfish or unreasonable on her part, just a normal expectation of her adult daughter.

People are not banging on at you as you so impolitely put it. Many posters on here have views that probably dont sit well with you. It seems when people dont say what you want to hear you take exception to it and aren't prepared to see others points of view or consider their feelings, most pointedly your mothers. Other posters have suggested you need to do alot of growing up and I agree with them.

FBaby

When did she last have a relationship? It's hard to be alone and unfortunately, whether 20, 40 or 60, one has a tendency to become a bit selfish when you fall in love again. So yes, it is likely your mum is now focussing on her new relationship and leaving you a bit behind, but surely this is excusable if she has been on her own for a long time dedicating her attention on you when you were growing up. Give her a chance. If they do move together, she might find that she then has more thinking time to give you some attention again.

Bigmoney2

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Bit blunt but I know what you mean. Shes in £30k of debt herself on a £30k salary so I think she of all people should know how tough it is.

And as I have pointed out, she expects me to drop everything for her every weekend when she goes away, and shes rarely at home. She also expects loans from me and the rest of the family all the time. Im the least selfish person I know, especially when it comes to my mum.

How about saying you won't be able to 'cat sit' at the weekends as you'll need to work a second job then to pay off your debts as she can't help you out my letting you move in for a bit.