mum not letting me move back in..

365days

meer53 wrote: »

"Unleashing 23 years of built up resentment on her over this probably wouldn't be very fair."

Wow ! If i thought my son or daughter would ever think this ^ i would be absolutely devastated.

Do you really mean it ? Or are you just being a drama queen because you won't get your own way this time ?

But did you make your kids do all their own housework from age 10, drop them off and grandma's every time you took a new lover, and expect them to lend you money and do your errands for you?

If you didn't do all those I doubt your kids resent you.

KxMx

I would also say that while it's hard for people with normal mothers to comprehend, you can be best friends and hate each other too. Usually you are best friends while you are dancing to mothers tune. Then she comes out with something so unreasonable you waver about following her wishes and that's it, she drops you for a while/ goes off on one.

OP has already stated the one time she said no to a lift, her mother didn't talk to her for a week. That is the response of a child, not an adult, grown woman. That is the red flag I saw. We all have arguments with parents and both sides take time to cool off, that is an adult way to deal with things. Not blanking your child for a week because they said no to you.

I don't wish to slag off OP's mother in anyway, just with my own experiences I wanted to point out that thread regarding narcissistic mothers because of things she has posted.

mrbrightside842

You can't make your mum let you move back in. However I would stop running around after her, her cat etc.

cazziebo

365days wrote: »

But did you make your kids do all their own housework from age 10, drop them off and grandma's every time you took a new lover, and expect them to lend you money and do your errands for you?

If you didn't do all those I doubt your kids resent you.

No.

My younger daughter washed the floor once a week and my older daughter would make mac and cheese now and then. My younger daughter accused me of doing nothing, she and her sister were just slaves while I spent all my time and money on me. Just as well the housework fairy stopped by to deliver shopping, do the laundry, taxi them to brownies, stables, swim club and gymnastics. :rotfl:

I also was a single parent, worked full time, ran a youth club, spent a fortune on child care but had enough left to take them both on great holidays. Yes, I did pack them off to my parents now and again so I could party :cool:

The difference is my younger daughter was in the throes of a teenage tantrum. Thankfully she has now grown out of it. Both my daughters are welcome to visit, but move in with partners? No, not unless it's the direst of circumstances.

mountainofdebt

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

I was unsure of whether or not to mention this but I think it maybe explains a bit more why I'm upset. I was worried people would jump down my throat for it.

Basically, mum was diagnosed with very very mild MS a few years ago. She doesnt have any issues now, but we've been told in the future she probably will. Up until last year she was on her own.

We had made a plan that when me and OH buy a house we would try and find somewhere that would eventually be big enough for her too, and that we could alter should she have mobility issues. The plan was always that she would actually, move in with me someday.

However a couple of weeks ago she made a comment that now, her new man, who she has been with for a matter of months, would be looking after her in the future. He has not made any indication that he wishes to live with her or remarry (he was widowed after 30 years less than a year when he met my mum) therefore I worry that she will indeed still be on her own. So I still believe she will be with me one day.

I know you will all say well she has every right to enjoy her freedom in the mean time and I know that. But I just thought considering our future plans she would be ok with me being home.

OP

I've no experience of MS so I can't comment too much about what care your mum may need but do you really think its a good idea for you to even consider looking after your mum when she needs it if you don't get on that good when her health is generally ok?

To me it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

HoneyAndLemon

mountainofdebt wrote: »

OP

I've no experience of MS so I can't comment too much about what care your mum may need but do you really think its a good idea for you to even consider looking after your mum when she needs it if you don't get on that good when her health is generally ok?

To me it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

If she's on her own then yes ill be there to look after her.

mintymoneysaver

tI haven't read all the posts, but I'm a 44 year old with a 19 year old daughter. She's still at home, but I can not imagine ever wanting to share my house with her boyfriend for a year. I'm a single mum, why would I want a young man who isn't my flesh and blood living in my house? I know I am one of those people who like their own space, don't like people turning up announced. I can think of nothing worse than having to be on my best behaviour for a year because I had a guest in the house ...

mountainofdebt

Of course (and I'm sorry if this is too graphic for some!) but having adult children in the house is rather off putting for - how can I put this? - bedroom activity.

It may not be to rivial 50 shades of grey but it is quite inhibiting to have an other adult in the house ....let alone someone of the opposite sex who you aren't related to - even if its to wander from the bathroom to the bedroom in the all together!

scotti

Dear Honey,

FWIW, I don’t think you sound immature at all, just hurt.

You saw that clearing your debt quickly would be facilitated by moving back home.

I can understand that you are hurt that your Mum appears to have changed her mind about letting you move back in, but that may actually be a blessing in disguise given everything you have outlined.

You sound as though you are determined to sort yourself out financially, however, you may need to re-think the amount you repay monthly and your timescale.

It would seem that a huge proportion of your joint income goes on your housing costs so this certainly seems to be the area which will allow you to achieve your goal.

Without getting into a whole mother/daughter debate I think difficulties arise when expectations are not met, on either side, it really is all about perspective don’t you think?

I feel sure that you will manage to resolve your current situation and wish you all the very best in your endeavours to do so.

scotti

persa

OP, I can understand why you feel let down - rightly or wrongly, I think most "normal mums" would let their grown up children move back home if needed and this is another reminder that you haven't had a "normal mum" growing up. As you say, there's a lot of resentment there.

I can understand your mum wanting her own space and being reluctant about the idea of you moving in - but that being the case, she shouldn't have suggested previously that you moving in would be okay.

I think you need to accept that the level of support you receive from your mother is never going to the same as most other people and stop playing Compare The Mother because you're only going to feel more and more hurt.

You saw an easy opportunity to pay back your debt sooner and it's frustrating this has been taken away from you, but that doesn't mean you can't keep plodding along with your current repayment plan and eventually clear the debt.

Re plans for caring for your mum in the future - I would suggest you are too young right now to be carrying that particular burden.