mum not letting me move back in..

HoneyAndLemon

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Others have suggested that you and your OH rent a room in a shared house. You would retain your independence, and save money which would go towards paying your debts. Why you are so determined to live with someone who you believe does not want you to move in, and against whom you so clearly have a high level of anger and resentment, is beyond me.

So now you're making out like I'm a bad person for considering my mums future and thinking about having her live with me someday? Amazing how that can be twisted round against me. Exactly why I didnt want to mention it inititally. So its okay for mum to say no to us moving back in, but its selfish of me to assume she wants to live with me and OH someday if her health goes downhill and not think about what she might want..., even though that was what she wanted when we discussed it after her diagnosis?

She doesn't have 'health problems' at the minute. Shes fine, and teaches fitness classes 4 nights a week. I have already said many times on this thread that I no longer wish to move back in, so I'm hardly 'determined'. She said we could move in, we asked to, she changed her mind. I've also said we are now looking into other options, but obviously we went to her first as we didnt think it would be an issue. Are you actually reading all my posts at all?

And what is wrong with discussing it on here? Isn't that what forums are for?

esmy

As half of the debt and the loan you've taken to clear it is your boyfriends responsibility, why on earth should your mother bail him out? She owes him nothing. She didn't make the decisions that got you into debt - you did and have to take responsibility for them

You say that moving home would give you a £700 per month surplus (presumably additional to the £150-£200 you have now) which you propose to pay off your loan and you offer Mum £300 for the two of you? Are you sure this would cover two thirds of all the household bills?Have you explained the figures to her? Does she know how much this frees up for you?

Your plans to care for her in future are irrelevant to what happens now - this could be 20 years away, or may never be needed if she remains well or your Mum might not want that to happen.

I've one DD about to leave home and only if she were homeless or ill would I consider her coming back - I think she would feel the same. Were she in your position I might help her with sorting out her budget, I might even give her a bit of cash, but at 23 she is adult and would be treated as such.

I tell my DDs that when they both leave home we're moving to a one bedroomed house - I'm only half joking.

kizzie_nikita

OP. I'm very sorry. Like many others I'm sending over many hugs to you and your OH.

Unlike many people, i think your mum IS in the wrong. But that's just my opinion.

My mum (who lives 3 hours away) told me, and my other-half that we could both move in, and pay NO rent, just for food/bills if we ever found ourselves in a bad situation and we needed help. (But, on the other side, my OH's mother, who likes to be in his life 24/7 would never let us move in with her, not even if we were on the streets & she's got the space, and the money)

Lots of people seem to be saying you're resentful, which may be true to some extent, but to say you hate your mother? When you've clearly said you love her to bits. Harsh.

I couldn't be more on your side, and i do hope that you manage to sort something out. You may be an adult and you may have to stand on your own two feet, but you are human, and we all make mistakes (the debt in your case), it's not always easy asking for help, so good on you for trying anyway.

Goodluck with it, keep your head up high, but by the sounds of things and i haven't read the whole thread it sounds like it's best to find a smaller home, even if it's tiny and cheap for the time being. I would too stop, or atleast slow down the amount of things you do for your mum, sure help her now and again so there's no hard feelings on BOTH sides, but don't let her think she can 'use' you, for lack of a better word.

xx

Dunroamin

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

She actually tried to convince us to stay.

She said renting somewhere would be wasting money and we should just stay put and save. Ironically enough now that we actually agree with her its too late lol.

But people say this sort of thing to be polite (rather like her saying you were always welcome to move back) , not because they think you'll actually do it!

marisco_2

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

So now you're making out like I'm a bad person for considering my mums future and thinking about having her live with me someday? Amazing how that can be twisted round against me.

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

However some posters seem to be determined to make excuses for my mum and make me out to be immature.

Is anything in your life your responsibility? Or is someone else always at fault, the reason for all your problems and the ones who should sort your mess out?

Many posters, myself included, have comented on your lack of maturity. They have given valid reasons for feeling that way. People have made conclusions about you after reading what you have to say, the way you refer to your parent, how you describe having conducted yourself and what you plan to do in future. So if you have come across as immature that is down to you, no-one else.

In the post I have quoted above, where you are accusing someone of twisting things against you and making you out to be a bad person, you come across as paranoid. I have read the post that you wrote it in response to and they were doing no such thing.

Life is going to be incredibly difficult for you if you refuse to consider that you might be in the wrong here. Some self reflection would do you the world of good.

HoneyAndLemon

marisco wrote: »

Is anything in your life your responsibility? Or is someone else always at fault, the reason for all your problems and the ones who should sort your mess out?

Many posters, myself included, have comented on your lack of maturity. They have given valid reasons for feeling that way. People have made conclusions about you after reading what you have to say, the way you refer to your parent, how you describe having conducted yourself and what you plan to do in future. So if you have come across as immature that is down to you, no-one else.

In the post I have quoted above, where you are accusing someone of twisting things against you and making you out to be a bad person, you come across as paranoid. I have read the post that you wrote it in response to and they were doing no such thing.

Life is going to be incredibly difficult for you if you refuse to consider that you might be in the wrong here. Some self reflection would do you the world of good.

Umm..I think you'll find I've taken full responsibility for my debts, making it quite clear I blame no one but myself for them. And the only person I've been talking about, leading to my ''problems'' is my mum, not 'everyone' else in my life.

You clearly have no comprehension of how difficult things can be between family members, in particular a 2 person family. Also how do you know how I conduct myself? You haven't met me. You are presuming to know how I act based on a thread about me on an internet forum where Im clearly upset about something.

I have taken on board the points people have made about my mum having every right to make her own decision. I have also looked into alternatives to saving money such as house shares, cheaper places to rent etc. However, I don't feel I need to justify my feelings, behaviour etc anymore to you so will not reply to any more of your individual posts. Thanks

HoneyAndLemon

kizzie_nikita wrote: »

OP. I'm very sorry. Like many others I'm sending over many hugs to you and your OH.

Unlike many people, i think your mum IS in the wrong. But that's just my opinion.

My mum (who lives 3 hours away) told me, and my other-half that we could both move in, and pay NO rent, just for food/bills if we ever found ourselves in a bad situation and we needed help. (But, on the other side, my OH's mother, who likes to be in his life 24/7 would never let us move in with her, not even if we were on the streets & she's got the space, and the money)

Lots of people seem to be saying you're resentful, which may be true to some extent, but to say you hate your mother? When you've clearly said you love her to bits. Harsh.

I couldn't be more on your side, and i do hope that you manage to sort something out. You may be an adult and you may have to stand on your own two feet, but you are human, and we all make mistakes (the debt in your case), it's not always easy asking for help, so good on you for trying anyway.

Goodluck with it, keep your head up high, but by the sounds of things and i haven't read the whole thread it sounds like it's best to find a smaller home, even if it's tiny and cheap for the time being. I would too stop, or atleast slow down the amount of things you do for your mum, sure help her now and again so there's no hard feelings on BOTH sides, but don't let her think she can 'use' you, for lack of a better word.

xx

Thanks for your post x.

Interesting what you said about both your mums. OH's mum is also a single mum and still has his brother and sister living at home, works night shifts and lives on very little. She too has offered to have us when his sister moves to uni, as she has no room for us now, but that is more than a year away but at least we know shes willing to have us. On the other hand theres my mum with 2 spare rooms! But anyway we'll look for alternatives and stick to the budget we've come up with in the mean time, we'll get there in the end

Nicki

OP, when your mum was the same age as you are now, not only did she have to work to put a roof over her head, pay her bills and clear any debts she had, but she was also responsible for the care and upbringing of a 4 year old child with minimal support. So perhaps it is more understandable bearing all that in mind that she expects you to be a lot more independent than you seem to be?

tenke

HoneyAndLemon wrote: »

Scotti-Thanks for the kind words

Persa- unfortunately it's a burden I have to have. Who else will? I honestly don't think it will last with the new guy so I have a responsibility to look after her

Actually it is not like that, while it feels it is "your burden" and " your responsibility " your mother's life is HER responsibility, for as long as she can lead her life on her own.

Now when the time comes that she needs help, old age, illness, it is your HUMAN responsibility to work out a way that she is not deserted like a street dog, BUT those arrangements can be worked out in a way that is not YOU in the flesh, putting your life on hold to take care of that.

It takes some time to get your head around that, due to your ingrainned daughter's responsibility, but puttig your life on hold in the future will nor be fair for you or your extended family either..:(

It's a tricky one, but it has to be seen objectively..

HoneyAndLemon

Nicki wrote: »

OP, when your mum was the same age as you are now, not only did she have to work to put a roof over her head, pay her bills and clear any debts she had, but she was also responsible for the care and upbringing of a 4 year old child with minimal support. So perhaps it is more understandable bearing all that in mind that she expects you to be a lot more independent than you seem to be?

Its not my fault she got herself pregnant. She was an adult when she did that. Thats not something I need to feel guilty for. Isn't the point your making that adults need to take responsibility and that there shouldn't be any sympathy for me? why should my mums situation be any different? Automatically she's had a tougher time because she had a child? People without kids have it easy do they?

And in what way am I not independant? Because I asked for help?