Am I being unreasonable?

Seanymph

Still Wow!

You made all that effort of pages of excuses - and yet not one word was an excuse to anyone reading. They were all excuses you are saying to yourself to try and persuade yourself you are making a rational decision remaining with him.

You aren't.

You are - well, I'm not sure - you are with someone who doesn't value you, and definitely puts no value on your child. The child who is supposed to be your priority.

So, as a mum, and an adult - you are choosing to prioritise this parasite, and HIS family and children - and kick yours down the totem pole to the bottom along with yourself.

He isn't a victim. We are only victims of what people 'make' us do when we allow them to do it.

My ex blamed his ex wife for everything from his bankruptcy to court appearances to having no money to leaving her with no money to not having a bank account ........... I could go on - she duped him into marriage, she was awful.

Like you I was stupid.

Six years later and I had gradually removed my support, financial, emotional, and to sustain contact with his kids....... and he went off and blamed me for his renewed state of pennilessness - and his parents, for the second time to my knowledge, gave him thousands to rent a new place.

I'd hate anyone to worry about him though, within months he'd moved into ANOTHER woman's house telling her how awful I was, and how it was my fault he had no money.

In a way it was, I'd taken back my credit cards, closed the joint account, stopped paying him a salary for 'working' at my company (I was lucky if he turned up for an hour a day!)...

Rather like your current fella he had a sense of entitlement that was so strong I got suckered, and believed that if he felt he was that entitled that must be true.

it was an awfully debilitating, and ultimately abusive, relationship. He prioritised himself, I prioritised him and what you are afraid of happened. I stopped prioritising him so he went and suckered someone new rather than grow up and take on responsibility for himself and his own finances.

And you know what? When he went it was brilliant.

You are a mum. Put your child first and get rid of this man who is sucking so much of what should be going to him out of your joint lives.

So, you've been silly - mugged really - you know you are being mugged now, so there really is no excuse. Typing loads of rubbish proves nothing to anyone.

What he did was despicable. you didn't birth him, you owe him nothing - you don't have to fund him or take on responsiibilty for his financial affairs - he loves that you are because then he can blame you and his ex and nothing is his fault. But you aren't his mother, and he doesn't love you any more for doing it.

Parent your child. Protect him - and his money and HIS trip. Put him first.

paddy's_mum

Some posts deserve a thousand thanks. Seanymph - this is one of them!

Saturnalia

Have you managed to cobble together the money for your son's trip? Or put a longer-term payment plan in place? Or is he not going to be able to go now?

What are you going to tell the people who gave your son the money to go on his trip if he then doesn't go?

None of these people is a big tough bloke who'll pay your boyfriend a visit and tell him what they think of scum who nick from kids and ponce off women, are they? (Don't take this seriously - they'll end up in massive trouble with the law and the boyfriend will get to play the victim.)

pinkshoes

He's a tw*t, and you're being a doormat!

Stop making excuses for someone who clearly walks all over you!

NEVER lend money to him again. If he gives you a sob story, then boo hoo. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He clearly puts himself and his kids and his ex over you, so you should put your kids first too.

dorisday

sorry but had a good laugh at this one OP dont think you are a troll so the situation must be real. Why are you letting yourself and your son be treated with NO thought or respect you are someone HE can use for all sorts of things.

Please please grow up open your eyes or are you too afraid to be on your own and will take anything no matter how awful they are to you. xx

megan01

OP I'd just like to say that people aren't being for the sake of being mean, it's just so obvious what he's doing to you , people are trying to get across to you strongly what he's doing to you to try get through to you. It's so hard I know to find the strength to see the sense, but I PROMISE if you follow peoples advice here and put your own child first then you will be so much happier. You're giving him and what he wants to do for his kids priority over your own.

Beckyy

Take payment in his wii and games if he'll give you them.

Sounds like an aboslute idiot and you'd be better off without him.

victory

Saturnalia wrote: »

60 posts and not one is telling you to stick with him.

Not one is telling you to forgive and forget.

Not one is telling you this relationship is healthy.

And not one telling you that you're the unreasonable one here.

You know the score, that's why you're asking the question.[/QUOTE

Exactly this.....

19lottie82

Op you have mentioned a few time that he pays an extortionate amount to his ex in maintenance however I ran the details u provided through the CSA calculator (3 kids, 42k pa, has the, three nights a week, currently pays £320 a month to ex) and this payment is actually slightly under what he would pay thru the CSA. So prob another yarn he is spinning you about what a b!tchhh his ex is and ow hard done by he is!

I also re read your other thread about him being irresponsible with money and having so much debt......

I'm sorry but its obvious he is selfish and doesn't really want to change, despite signing up to a DMP.

Can I just ask, where do you think this relationship will be in 5 or 10 years time, realistically? Is that where you want to be?

loopy136

My own opinions are

If you were having a relationship with a decent bloke his priorties would be his partner and his children, it's great that he pays towards his children but how does he show any commitment to you, a decent bloke would have paid his debt as soon as was possible and make you realise how much he appreciated you for helping him out. If there was a issue paying up why no be honest.

When you mentioned getting the money back, it seems he started speaking about spending time with his ex maybe to make you feel bad about the whole subject, hopefully so you would leave it.

You seem to sound like you feel in control, as you help him with his finances but I think it's a false security, you need to let him get on with his own money issues, if he is going to fail it's down to him not anyone else, and no responsiblity of yours.

Don't let him get away with this lack of respect any longer, no excuses you have a child let that be your priorty and passion.
Good Luck.