Am I being unreasonable?

Giraffeseeker

I'm sitting here annoyed :mad: when I should be in bed, but my boyfriend thinks I am being unreasonable...

The scenario is...

My boyfriend has not been managing his money for a long time, he has 50/50 care of his 3 kids but still pays a vast sum in maintenance to his well-off ex wife. I've posted about this before!

Finally I persuaded him a DMP would be the answer. I have been on one for a year and it's really his only way out - he was running out of money on 5th of the month and had 3 months council tax arrears - and STILL it took me huge efforts to get him to face that he had a problem.

His first DMP payment was January, but he cut all his DD's in December to allow him to clear some bills and buy Christmas presents.

In reality, he still ran out of money, despite not paying around £1K of credit card and loan bills, and this was BEFORE buyng presents for his kids. I told him repeatedly that I COULD NOT help him out as I was budgeting for Christmas myself. He borrowed (another) £200 from his Dad, but spent it quickly. I ended up paying for various presents ordered online for his kids (even one for his ex wife from his kids!) - not extravagent gifts, some 2nd hand from eBay etc - to the tune of £150.

Now, this £150 was in an account to pay the final installment on my son's school ski trip. I have been paying this in installments for a LONG time and his Dad has paid half. Some of my family have contributed to the final installment and so this money was really not all "mine". However, the installment was due on Jan 7th and my boyfriend was paid on December 31st, and he assured me I would get it back on pay day. So no problem. I would be with him on payday so assumed I could make sure he made the transfer.

On payday he was doing his banking - a transfer to his Dad, paying his mortgage (as no DD yet set up from his new bank account), paying his maintenance to his ex wife plus an additional £100 for a gift she bought from them "jointly" for one of their kids, paying his council tax arrears, etc. I was in the bath at the time. Later that day I realised he didn't have my bank details set up in his new bank account, so I queried how he had made the transfer to me? He said he hadn't but he would "do it tomorrow" (we were on our way out for NYE at the time).

Fast forward to the 2nd and no money had arrived. We now bank with the same bank so it should be a fairly instant transfer. I asked him and he said he would get it sorted. I asked again later that night and he told me he had screwed up the card machine and locked his account (our bank uses one of those card reader things) as he hadn't used it before and didn't know how it worked (except he clearly had used it for the other transfers). It would take 24 hours to reset, apparently.

I queried again on the 4th. He asked how I would feel if he "paid me back in installments". I said no, that wasn't the agreement and it is not really my money, I need it, end of story. He paid his Dad and his ex on payday, I deserve the same respect.

I have since not really seen him. We both had our kids at the weekend and we often do things together, but he wanted to take his daughter shopping for her own school ski trip. She also wanted a new couple of school skirts and he agreed to get them (her Mum gets maintenance from my bf for uniform but she had refused as nothing wrong with old skirts). So we didn't meet up. He has had the kids every night since the weekend but we should have seen each other wednesday (as neither of us were due to ahve our kids), and he would have had his kids tonight (thursday). As his daughter goes away friday morning, his ex wanted to have them thursday night to help daughter pack, etc, so a swap was done, and he had his kids wednesday instead. So our night was out of the window. He wanted a "special" night with his daughter before she went away for the week so I left them to it.

So as I haven't seen him in a week, I decided to make us a nice date night. I shopped for a nice meal, got a DVD, and sent him a nice text last night telling him I was looking forward to seeing him. No reply but got an email today from him in relation to something work related he wanted help with, and in my reply I reiterated that I was looking forward to seeing him. No reply again. At this point I also hadn't mentioned the money since the 4th.

Tonight my son popped in on his way home from school to his Dad's to pick up his PE kit and we were having a cup of tea and a chat while I started prepping dinner, when my bf walked it. It was only 4pm, he was on his way home from work. I was pleased, he usually goes home and come over about 6 (we live 10 miles apart) but I assumed because we haven't seen each other for a while he had wanted to come straight over and make a night of it. I hade him a cuppa and he was kind of "you're busy, might as well go". I told him my son was just waiting for his Dad to pick him up which would be in the next half an hour, and then I was "all his".

However, turns out he had arranged with his ex to go to her house (20 doors up from his own house) for the evening and "spend some time with his daughter before she goes skiing" - so every night for the past week wasn't enough then?!? And also he said that he had to go because he promised her some spending money and hadn't given her it. This reminded me about the money he owed me, so I asked him and he said he had already transferred it (this was a lie). He then left, being very non committal about whether he was actually coming back for dinner or not.

Finally later I rang and got hold of him at about 9.30pm and was told:
- If I wanted to see him I should have gone to his house and cooked dinner (he'd seen me prepping it earlier)
- He had been to my house on his way home from work (for 10 minutes) so it was unreasonable that I "expected" him to drive back (no, I didn't expect him to drive back, I expected him to not go to his ex's house in the first place!)
- If he pays me my money back he will have nothing for the rest of the month. In fact, he doesn't think he has £150 left to give me (except he spent a fortune on his daughter at the weekend and gave her more cash tonight)
- I am loaded and I don't need the money (not true, I earn a little more than him and don't pay - or receive - child maintenance, but my DMP payment is £750 against his DMP payment of £185 so my disposable income is probably less than his)

I asked him why MY son's ski trip should be put at risk (payment now 5 days late) in order for him to use MY money to facilitate his daughter's trip - he basically said it's not his problem, his daughter is OK and that is what matters. Without his contribition tonight she would "only" have had 12 Euros per day spending money...

So, I feel totally used, taken for granted and rejected. He has paid back his Dad and his ex-wife (neither of whom need the money) and ignore the need to pay me back DESPITE knowing it was my son's ski money he had borrowed. After not seeing him all week he has basically had a better offer from his ex wife and so cancelled our evening together with no notice whatsoever. And he somehow turns this all around by making out it is somehow my fault - I am not "nice" enough to him; I am unreasonable expecting him to drive the whole 10 miles to my house; if I want to see him I should fit in with his kids; I am unreasonable expecting the whole £150 back in one go, No "normal" person would expect him to come to dinner when his daughter is going on holiday for a whole 6 days, etc etc

We've been together 5 1/2 years btw. I think that should mean I deserve some kind of respect?

recoverydust

You are obviously NOT being unreasonable.
I hope you get the money for your sons trip

*max*

He's an a$$hole. And you're unbelievably gullible.

Ditch him before it's REALLY too late.

And in the future, don't lend ANYONE the money you've put aside for your kid. Ever.

Giraffeseeker

I know you are right. I was so determined not to lend him money in December and refused for weeks (hence why he went to his Dad) BUT I like his kids, and the thought of them having no presents from their Dad on Christmas morning got to me. I got sucked in. I found him bargains on eBay and he'd say "I'm in a meeting when that finishes, can you bid for me?" and "You're so much better on eBay than me, can you see if you can find her an XX?" etc and then, of course, it was on my eBay account and I ended up paying. And then "I need presents for your kids because I am with your family xmas day, as you are doing an Amazon order anyway, can you get them something from their wishlists?". And "I don't have the money for petrol to my parents on boxing day, can you put some in for me and I'll pay you back? If not we can't go and my kids are so looking forward to it". etc. And it all adds up.

I actually sold my own iPad to fund Christmas. I had held this back as "christmas contingency" all year and I sold it early December. It was my turn to "host" christmas day this year and it is expensive. Today my bf said "why are you moaning about money anyway? You made £500 on your iPad, you're quids in". Errr, no, try HALF that amount. Which left me with about £50 towards presents once the Xmas day food shop had been done.

I did suggest in December he sold his Wii on eBay, and I used "Music Magpie" to get a quote for all his Wii games and it came to in excess of £100. He refused point blank. I sacrificed my iPad (bought before I had my LBM) to fund my christmas but he wouldn't sacrifice a few games from an unused Wii. And then expects access to my iPad "profits".

He said that the school doesn't need the money this week as they are not going until March - wouldn't believe me that it is fairly standard for holiday bills to be settled in full 8 weeks prior to travel - and suggested I ring the school and make an agreement to pay at the start of February.

I work in another local school, know some of the staff at my sons school professionally and teach the children of the school receptionist - I am NOT going to put myself in a position where I have to beg for a payment plan to people who I know in a professional capacity, it is simply not fair for him to put me in that position. I am fuming.

*max*

Really? Do you need people to tell you to do it? Leave the loser. He doesn't care about you, he cares even less about your kid. You're enabling him to be an a$$. 5 years? 5 YEARS??? Jeeeeeeeesus. Wake up and smell the coffee. Seriously.

recoverydust

Agreeing with max here. You are being taken for a ride by a man who is not responsible and is using you.
You deserve better, I hope you get it

Teeniepops

Though money is the topic it is just that - the topic. The real issue here is respect and his blatant lack of it for you and your family.

He clearly thinks you're 'loaded' and therefore sees you as an extension to his income.

Take the money part away - he's not treating you right anyway with breaking arrangements in favour if his ex's suggestion? Are you kidding? Yes he has his DD to see which means seeing the ex, but it sounds like they had a nice family night together whilst you sat waiting.

It wouldn't cut it for me personally and if I were in this position, I'd consider £150 a fee to escape and ditch this 'man'. You don't deserve to be disrespected this way. Nor do your kids.

Can you ask a family member to help with the £150 for the ski trip and deal with this without him? I know it's less then ideal but I really think you're flogging a dead horse with him giving it you.

Take care - hope it's sorted xx

Seanymph

Wow, Just Wow really.

And you've put up with this for five years?

You're with him why?

You do understand that there are people with equitable relationships, who treat each other with respect, who share the same standards and goals - you get that right?

He's focused on his ex wife and kids, emotionally, financially and with his time. You fund that and he sees you when he fancies - to the expense of YOUR kids. And you need someone else to tell you that's not acceptable.

Tygermoth

He repeatedly lied to your face.

He has told you and your child (in actions) that you are second to any better offer he gets .... even his ex wife.

He twisted the issue to make it yours.

He does not keep his promises.

Even if he is a great guy in all other aspects of his life YOU are carrying HIM and he will let you down, again and again.

This will lead to either you trying to do more to please and placate him (becoming downtrodden and debt ridden) or you getting slowly more resentful and then realising to late you have wasted years on a relationship which is not a grown up committed partnership.

(note - I have watched this first hand - my successful dynamic and beloved best friend downsized her house, stopped pension payments, traded in her car for a banger took on loads of debt for her partner so they had breathing room in their monthly finances.

She thought she was helping him as he did not earn as much as her and he made her feel obligated (tho he didn't earn THAT much less). She scrimped, saved did overtime to help him and his chaotic finances out. After years of paying for his training so they could improve their circumstances (he didn't turn up for it transpired), permanently fibbing about money, finding hidden debts he had run up....they split after he went on holiday with his mates taking her student loan money without permission 'because he couldent go without spending money, could he?'

She laid all she had done out on the able for him and his unconcerned response was 'I didn't ask you to do it, you wanted too so i am not responsible for the mess you are in' he swanned off with another woman and my previously happy healthy friend has massive debts, no house, a car that costs more to repair than run and an entirely broken heart.

She has gone back 20 years financially and she bitterly rues her decision to stick it out after the first few occasions thinking it would get better after she sorted out this looming bill ... or that steamrollering debt or this other pay day loan ..........the council tax that's not been paid because of a bank error.... paying his car insurance because they wont offer him instalments (she sold jewellery)...... the £50 he needs for train fare as his card wont work for some reason (took from her gifted birthday money).....the mobile phone in her name because he has bad credit so he can call her in the evenings when he has his kids..... it went on an on.)

Escape now. Trust me. Its take take take.... you will have nothing..........then he will go anyway.

Sambucus_Nigra

If you were my real life chum my only word would be 'SUCKER'.

Sorry.

kingfisherblue

You have had your LBM regarding money. Now you need your LBM regarding this guy. You're taking responsibility for your finances, now you need to take responsibility for your personal life and stop letting him treat you so badly.

Time to dump him, even if you think you love him. Sorry to say, he doesn't love you, but he does love his access to your money.