Am I being unreasonable?

Giraffeseeker

Hi, thank for all the responses!

To clarify - we don't live together - we are about 12 miles apart in different towns. We did, in the first year or so of being together, look at trying to make it work and moving in together, but at the time the children (5 in total) we at 5 different schools in 4 different parts of the County and so with us both having 50/50 care there was no real way to make it work - moving schools was not an option, we both live near our ex's to make it easier for the kids. We're now down to 4 different schools and in 2 years will be down to 2 or 3, but it's still going to be problematic until most of them have flown the nest.

So, my house is mine and his is his - there are no joint finances.

We had a chat about where all his money has gone this month. His DMP payment has kicked in and he repaid his Dad £150 and gave his ex an addtional £100 to repay xmas presents, BUT other things are not yet paid - Council Tax for one (although up to date apart from this month). He changed gas and electric suppliers on Jan 1st so ended up with a payment free month. His mobile bill has gone unpaid although he paid off last months, which was late. I really think we need to look at his DMP budget again to be honest, it isn't adding up.

There are a few things that I resent him paying out for while he owes me money. Like taking his daughter shopping last weekend and spending £50. Eating out last Saturday night with his 2 daughters. There is a cheque which will cash any time now for £70 for hire of his daughters ski gear.

He pays ALOT of money to his ex in maintenance and I feel that should be "it". When the arrangement was made before I was on the scene he asked her if they could just split costs as they go but she insisted on a monthly payment. BUT, she makes him pay additional - half the son's school bus pass annually, for example, and makes him top up the kids dinner money accounts online each month. I really don't think he should pay extra for such things - she gets alot of money and I really can't see what she spends it on.

He is actually quite generous with money when he has it though, probably his downfall really. He likes spending on people. On NYE (payday for us both) when I had been really ill for 2 weeks and was feeling better, we ate out at lunchtime and again in the evening (two rare treats in one day!) and he insisted on paying for both saying I deserved it for being ill and helping him with Christmas.

He hates the fact that he pays so much to his ex in maintenance - he doesn't mind the children having the money spent on them, but in their heads "Mum always buys us everything" - they don't "see" his contribution and he therefore feels like he never gets to treat them because all the money he could use to take them shopping or whatever goes direct to his ex. He has tried to change this - when his son started sixth form and needed clothes he his ex if he could take him shopping, spend an agreed amount and then deduct it from the following months maintenance. She refused. She just says "If you want to buy them clothes, it's up to you. But you still owe me the full amount". Ditto with haircuts etc, she books them (at an expensive salon), often for days the kids are with my BF, and therefore he pays. But all hell breaks lose if he dares to decuct it from the maintenance.

He was with his ex since he was 18 and she is a little older than him. She has clearly always dictated to him and he has always "done as he is told" and I think he has found it hard to break out of that. When they were together she didn't work, but managed the money and gave him "pocket money" in cash each week for petrol etc. So I can see why he went a bit mad and ran up debts when they split. I can also see why he doesn't like me questionning what he spends his money on as he's had a lifetime of that.

He does find it hard to seperate the children from the ex. She has a way of making him feel like a crap Dad if he doesn't do exactly what she says. For example, if she has the kids and wants a saturday night babysitter, he will always do it, irrespective of any plans we might have, because he says it is "for the kids". I always point out that is a nonsense, it is for his ex - she wants the night out - but he can't see it that way.

I remember once he said "no" a few years ago to having them on a friday night. It was Thursday and the children were with him when she rang and asked. He said no as we had theatre plans. She then went to his house, went on and on about how stressful her life was and how awful her job was and how she really needed a night out in order to destress and how it was really bad for the kids to have such a stressed out mother. He still refused and so she lay on the floor in his lounge and basically had a full on breakdown/tantrum, blamed him for the children having to see her in such a state, and of course he then agreed to have them on the Friday night. She got her night out and I ended up having to as a friend to the Theatre so I didn't have to go alone (with tickets that had been a gift to us both from my Mum at Christmas).

He's always wary of her pulling a stunt like that again in front of the kids so he takes the path of least conflict, which is usually just agreeing to what she wants.

I do think he can afford to give me at least half my money back though, I'm going over later to help him look at his finances, so we'll see.

Mojisola

tintingirl wrote: »

He still refused and so she lay on the floor in his lounge and basically had a full on breakdown/tantrum, blamed him for the children having to see her in such a state, and of course he then agreed to have them on the Friday night.

Ideal YouTube material!

megan01

tintingirl wrote: »

Hi, thank for all the responses!

To clarify - we don't live together - we are about 12 miles apart in different towns. We did, in the first year or so of being together, look at trying to make it work and moving in together, but at the time the children (5 in total) we at 5 different schools in 4 different parts of the County and so with us both having 50/50 care there was no real way to make it work - moving schools was not an option, we both live near our ex's to make it easier for the kids. We're now down to 4 different schools and in 2 years will be down to 2 or 3, but it's still going to be problematic until most of them have flown the nest.

So, my house is mine and his is his - there are no joint finances.

We had a chat about where all his money has gone this month. His DMP payment has kicked in and he repaid his Dad £150 and gave his ex an addtional £100 to repay xmas presents, BUT other things are not yet paid - Council Tax for one (although up to date apart from this month). He changed gas and electric suppliers on Jan 1st so ended up with a payment free month. His mobile bill has gone unpaid although he paid off last months, which was late. I really think we need to look at his DMP budget again to be honest, it isn't adding up.

There are a few things that I resent him paying out for while he owes me money. Like taking his daughter shopping last weekend and spending £50. Eating out last Saturday night with his 2 daughters. There is a cheque which will cash any time now for £70 for hire of his daughters ski gear.

He pays ALOT of money to his ex in maintenance and I feel that should be "it". When the arrangement was made before I was on the scene he asked her if they could just split costs as they go but she insisted on a monthly payment. BUT, she makes him pay additional - half the son's school bus pass annually, for example, and makes him top up the kids dinner money accounts online each month. I really don't think he should pay extra for such things - she gets alot of money and I really can't see what she spends it on.

He is actually quite generous with money when he has it though, probably his downfall really. He likes spending on people. On NYE (payday for us both) when I had been really ill for 2 weeks and was feeling better, we ate out at lunchtime and again in the evening (two rare treats in one day!) and he insisted on paying for both saying I deserved it for being ill and helping him with Christmas.

He hates the fact that he pays so much to his ex in maintenance - he doesn't mind the children having the money spent on them, but in their heads "Mum always buys us everything" - they don't "see" his contribution and he therefore feels like he never gets to treat them because all the money he could use to take them shopping or whatever goes direct to his ex. He has tried to change this - when his son started sixth form and needed clothes he his ex if he could take him shopping, spend an agreed amount and then deduct it from the following months maintenance. She refused. She just says "If you want to buy them clothes, it's up to you. But you still owe me the full amount". Ditto with haircuts etc, she books them (at an expensive salon), often for days the kids are with my BF, and therefore he pays. But all hell breaks lose if he dares to decuct it from the maintenance.

He was with his ex since he was 18 and she is a little older than him. She has clearly always dictated to him and he has always "done as he is told" and I think he has found it hard to break out of that. When they were together she didn't work, but managed the money and gave him "pocket money" in cash each week for petrol etc. So I can see why he went a bit mad and ran up debts when they split. I can also see why he doesn't like me questionning what he spends his money on as he's had a lifetime of that.

He does find it hard to seperate the children from the ex. She has a way of making him feel like a crap Dad if he doesn't do exactly what she says. For example, if she has the kids and wants a saturday night babysitter, he will always do it, irrespective of any plans we might have, because he says it is "for the kids". I always point out that is a nonsense, it is for his ex - she wants the night out - but he can't see it that way.

I remember once he said "no" a few years ago to having them on a friday night. It was Thursday and the children were with him when she rang and asked. He said no as we had theatre plans. She then went to his house, went on and on about how stressful her life was and how awful her job was and how she really needed a night out in order to destress and how it was really bad for the kids to have such a stressed out mother. He still refused and so she lay on the floor in his lounge and basically had a full on breakdown/tantrum, blamed him for the children having to see her in such a state, and of course he then agreed to have them on the Friday night. She got her night out and I ended up having to as a friend to the Theatre so I didn't have to go alone (with tickets that had been a gift to us both from my Mum at Christmas).

He's always wary of her pulling a stunt like that again in front of the kids so he takes the path of least conflict, which is usually just agreeing to what she wants.

I do think he can afford to give me at least half my money back though, I'm going over later to help him look at his finances, so we'll see.

I'm sorry but all you are doing her is making up excuse after excuse for him. You need to wake up, reawaken your self respect and leave him! He's got a lot of growing up to do, and you can't be his practice run of it. Leave him, and find someone who treats you right.

cte1111

So it's not his fault, it's the evil ex? Come on, he's a grown up and still behaving like a little boy. He has basically stolen from you, in order to treat his children.

You say he took you out for 2 meals, but effectively you have paid for them, by lending him money back.

ValHaller

tintingirl wrote: »

Hi, thank for all the responses!

To clarify -

- so we'll see.

He takes the path of least resistance with his ex and anything which flows out of that he can make even less resistance by deflecting on to you.

He has let the ex bully his daughters ski holiday out of him, which he has soft soaped out of you and you were too soft to protect your son's ski holiday.

You need to stop making excuses for him and start feeling angry with yourself. Only when you feel angry with yourself will you be able to deal with this.

Dunroamin

Do you think that he would actually like to get back together with his ex?

Epiphone

He's screwing the ex
You're his overdraft

You're both still rubbish at budgeting.

Classic co-dependent relationship. Once of you needs to ditch the other before you drag each other down into even more rubbish.

Sambucus_Nigra

As I said - 'sucker!'

Marisco

tintingirl wrote: »

Hi, thank for all the responses!

To clarify - we don't live together - we are about 12 miles apart in different towns. We did, in the first year or so of being together, look at trying to make it work and moving in together, but at the time the children (5 in total) we at 5 different schools in 4 different parts of the County and so with us both having 50/50 care there was no real way to make it work - moving schools was not an option, we both live near our ex's to make it easier for the kids. We're now down to 4 different schools and in 2 years will be down to 2 or 3, but it's still going to be problematic until most of them have flown the nest.

So, my house is mine and his is his - there are no joint finances.

We had a chat about where all his money has gone this month. His DMP payment has kicked in and he repaid his Dad £150 and gave his ex an addtional £100 to repay xmas presents, BUT other things are not yet paid - Council Tax for one (although up to date apart from this month). He changed gas and electric suppliers on Jan 1st so ended up with a payment free month. His mobile bill has gone unpaid although he paid off last months, which was late. I really think we need to look at his DMP budget again to be honest, it isn't adding up.

There are a few things that I resent him paying out for while he owes me money. Like taking his daughter shopping last weekend and spending £50. Eating out last Saturday night with his 2 daughters. There is a cheque which will cash any time now for £70 for hire of his daughters ski gear.

He pays ALOT of money to his ex in maintenance and I feel that should be "it". When the arrangement was made before I was on the scene he asked her if they could just split costs as they go but she insisted on a monthly payment. BUT, she makes him pay additional - half the son's school bus pass annually, for example, and makes him top up the kids dinner money accounts online each month. I really don't think he should pay extra for such things - she gets alot of money and I really can't see what she spends it on.

He is actually quite generous with money when he has it though, probably his downfall really. He likes spending on people. On NYE (payday for us both) when I had been really ill for 2 weeks and was feeling better, we ate out at lunchtime and again in the evening (two rare treats in one day!) and he insisted on paying for both saying I deserved it for being ill and helping him with Christmas.

He hates the fact that he pays so much to his ex in maintenance - he doesn't mind the children having the money spent on them, but in their heads "Mum always buys us everything" - they don't "see" his contribution and he therefore feels like he never gets to treat them because all the money he could use to take them shopping or whatever goes direct to his ex. He has tried to change this - when his son started sixth form and needed clothes he his ex if he could take him shopping, spend an agreed amount and then deduct it from the following months maintenance. She refused. She just says "If you want to buy them clothes, it's up to you. But you still owe me the full amount". Ditto with haircuts etc, she books them (at an expensive salon), often for days the kids are with my BF, and therefore he pays. But all hell breaks lose if he dares to decuct it from the maintenance.

He was with his ex since he was 18 and she is a little older than him. She has clearly always dictated to him and he has always "done as he is told" and I think he has found it hard to break out of that. When they were together she didn't work, but managed the money and gave him "pocket money" in cash each week for petrol etc. So I can see why he went a bit mad and ran up debts when they split. I can also see why he doesn't like me questionning what he spends his money on as he's had a lifetime of that.

He does find it hard to seperate the children from the ex. She has a way of making him feel like a crap Dad if he doesn't do exactly what she says. For example, if she has the kids and wants a saturday night babysitter, he will always do it, irrespective of any plans we might have, because he says it is "for the kids". I always point out that is a nonsense, it is for his ex - she wants the night out - but he can't see it that way.

I remember once he said "no" a few years ago to having them on a friday night. It was Thursday and the children were with him when she rang and asked. He said no as we had theatre plans. She then went to his house, went on and on about how stressful her life was and how awful her job was and how she really needed a night out in order to destress and how it was really bad for the kids to have such a stressed out mother. He still refused and so she lay on the floor in his lounge and basically had a full on breakdown/tantrum, blamed him for the children having to see her in such a state, and of course he then agreed to have them on the Friday night. She got her night out and I ended up having to as a friend to the Theatre so I didn't have to go alone (with tickets that had been a gift to us both from my Mum at Christmas).

He's always wary of her pulling a stunt like that again in front of the kids so he takes the path of least conflict, which is usually just agreeing to what she wants.

I do think he can afford to give me at least half my money back though, I'm going over later to help him look at his finances, so we'll see.

The bolded (mine) bits are what jumped out at me!! "We" don't have to do anything, it's his problem! No one can "make" anyone do anything unless they want to, yes, they can make life awkward, but constant refusal will eventually sink in!! Is the CM through CSA? If not and he is paying too much (it's 15% of income for 1, 20% for 2 and 25% for 3+) then he can open a case himself, if it works out as less. Why can't the eldest babysit?

And yes, and I agree with everyone else - run for the hills!! There is no way I would put up with being of a lesser priority than an ex, even if she did have a hissy fit!!! The clue is in the name..........ex!!!

FBaby

Dunroamin wrote: »

Do you think that he would actually like to get back together with his ex?

I've had the same thought I'm afraid. He seems to be acting out of his way to insure she is happy and sees him in a positive light, and who would do that unless they have an extremely weak character (but it doesn't seem to be the case with you) or there is an ulterior motive.

The reality is that how he wants to behave with his ex and children are his business. If he is happy to let his ex play the victim role, than he is not going to change it. There is no point in pointing out to him the reality of it because he most likely is perfectly aware of what he is doing, but still doing it because he wants to, or because he does believe it is the right thing to do.

However, if this is what he wants to do, he has no right to expect you to join in and therefore support him/his lifestyle/his children and ex. You should make it clear that his finances are his and his only. You can provide support and advice but he is on his own in regards to the decision he makes.

You need to insist he repays you for your son's trip because not doing so is absolutely unacceptable. It isn't a case of having to prioritise one thing over another, that money was never there for him to chose, it was purely advanced to help him. I would march him to the bank and not leave until you have the cash in your hands. It is about time he realises that he can't rely on you to pick up all the pieces of the stupid and selfish choices he makes when it comes to his finances.