Am I being unreasonable?

Giraffeseeker

Hi, gosh, I hadn't realised this had had so many replied and has run on to so many pages and I'm sorry for the lack on reponse or update when you were all so good to reply.

There is so many comments here that echo almost my exact words to him over the past years. I am always left thinking I am being unreasonable about so many things but you all echo my way of thinking which does make me feel better!

Little things, like why can't the 6th former babysit? I agree, why can't he? Not allowed apparently, he has never done this beyond half an hour or so. Hell, I was babysitting for actual babies when I was about 13!

And someone mentioned about him having the "family unit" and me being his "bit on the side"... I have said this to him so many times, that he makes me feel like that, but apparently I am being immature...

It's an odd one with the ex. She is remarried and when she did remarry a few years back I was relieved as I thought it would mean her demands were less, but if anything they are more. She now just has two men at her beck and call instead of one. The new husband doesn't appear to mind (which I think is odd). If I were him I would mind the ex husband popping around for tea.

Re child support - he is supposed to have them 3 nights a week but he had them more in the holidays (as he is off work but ex isn't) so across the year it's more like 7/14, which takes him into the next CSA bracket. Ex wife says the holidays "don't count" as he has them "voluntarily" (not sure what she would do if he didn't!) so therefore makes a calculation based on 3 nights a week = £320. She adds on to this around £40 in school dinner money costs; and £300 per year for school bus passes (half the cost of one for each of the eldest children). He also pays half their pocket money = £50 per month, and pays the before school club for the youngest 2 mornings per week = £60 per month in term time. Added to this the ad hoc costs like hair appointments she has made for the kids on "his" days, plus half of the cost of the extremely extravagent birthday parties/outings she organises (came to £260 for middle child recently). It is the extra costs I want him to "man up" about, but he won't.

Anyhow, an update. I saw him at the weekend and we discussed the issue. I got alot of "but you earn so much more than me" and then him picking apart MY finances - ie - "you pay £35 for an iPhone - if you can afford that then you don't need this money back" (I have one on contract from pre-LBM - it expires next month and I will be going on a SIM only deal and not upgrading the phone) and "you were talking about going to your sisters wedding this summer - if you can afford flights to Europe for that you don't need this money" (that is not booked or paid for BUT I will get to Europe for my sisters wedding - she lives abroad - even if I have drive there and have to eat beans on toast for 6 months to afford it AND it is none of his business!) etc, etc, etc

BUT eventually he looked at his balance on his phone app (the app I installed for him and he never uses - on his iPhone, incidentally!) and realised the amount he thought he had left for the month did not include his £200 OD limit. Fab. So he agreed that although it would be tight, he could pay me.

Sunday I thought I'd give him a nudge so I asked him if there was anything he wanted eBaying. Like his Wii (he said no); like the keyboard he has from a long-given up attempt by one of them at learning piano (he said no); or like the Ugg boots I bought his daughter for Christmas..... he said of course not, he would be transferring the money as agreed.

Today I texted to ask if he had done it. No reply. So I rang him, had a chat about what we are doing together later in the week, all fine, and then I asked if he had done it. He said of course not. He doesn't have my bank details allegedly, and in any event if he transfers it he will be broke for the next 2 weeks. He said he assumed I had agreed to two payments :mad:

So, I told him he was totally selfish, that he should't have spent £50 on stuff for his daughters trip, as that was MY money, shouldn't have given her £30 spending money as that was MY money, shouldn't have given the kids their pocket money totalling £50 as that was MY money, etc.

He said "you must have known when you lent me it that I would struggle to pay you back in January! :mad:

Like I am responsible for knowing his finances but he isn't!

I told him he should have sat down with a pen and paper and a calculator and worked out his budget for the month. That I should have been treated at least equally to his Dad and Ex, and I would be more "reasonable" if I could see they had also received part payment, but they had both been paid promptly and in full for their assistance in the great Christmas Present shortage, so I should have been as well. I said he could damn well go and get the gifts together, even if it meant knocking on his ex's door at midnight, and get them on eBay to recoop my money.

I got a text a while later telling me he had done the transfer, but I was deleted from his phone and from his life, I am the worse girlfriend he has ever had, I am childish, selfish, self-absorbed, spiteful and nasty and he wants nothing more to do with me, it was the best £150 he has ever spent to get me out of his life because I am a money grabbing !!!!! and it is such a relief to him that he owes me nothing and therefore I no longer have any reason to contact him.

Not alot I can say to that.

Fingers crossed for the money to land in my account tomorrow....

Giraffeseeker

lulu650 wrote: »

I can see he's in debt but didn't realise it was more than the OP as I didn't read that anywhere.

His debt is a little higher than mine, but only £1K or so. But mine started out much higher, I've got it down by about £8K over the last year. His will go down far slower has his DMP payment is 1/3 of what mine is. Another thing he moans about - me "choosing" to make a higher DMP payment means I cannot moan about having to budget because it is my "choice" to pay my debts back quicker.....

Giraffeseeker

Saturnalia wrote: »

Have you managed to cobble together the money for your son's trip? Or put a longer-term payment plan in place? Or is he not going to be able to go now?

He will go. I realised I had some money stashed in a drawer that my other son got for Christmas. He is saving for a big item which will take him a while so he doesn't want to spend it. I haven't got around to taking it to the bank for him to pay in. So that has helped and has gone to the school along with £60 from me to sort the trip out.

IF the money from bf comes in I will do a bank transfer to my other son's account.

If it doesn't, I'll bank transfer it on payday and my son will never realise I have borrowed it. And if it doesn't I will be £60 short from my budget this month, but then as I have been "deleted" from my bf's life, I will save a bit on petrol money as I won't be going to see him! :rotfl:

Supernatural

Good riddance I say, hope you get your money.

lulu650

tintingirl wrote: »

..... but then as I have been "deleted" from my bf's life, I will save a bit on petrol money as I won't be going to see him! :rotfl:

I'm glad that the posters comments about your situation were helpful tintingirl. Thought you might go the other way and tell us we were all talking rubbish and that he was a wonderful man who you were going to stay with through thick and thin!
As you've been with him for a long time, I'm sure his response was upsetting for you.
Work towards getting to your sister's wedding, having a fab time in Europe and meeting someone who has a lot less baggage and wants to put high on his list of priorities

Moominmamma

Don't ordinarily comment on this kind of post tbh, but seriously, what a complete !!!!!! - I'm hugely glad for you that he's suddenly seen your true colours

19lottie82

Well done Tintingirl, you sound like a lovely caring person and you are well shot of this loser! I have no doubts that he will attempt to come crawling back in a few days (when the apology he is expecting from you doesn't arrive), but don't even dignify this with a response. Onwards and upwards, find someone who deserves you! X

Seanymph

Because you are so conditioned to submitting to his unreasonable attacks, and because you are such an easy meal ticket do not expect him to disappear easily.

He has rewired your normality to a point where his entitlement means you have to defend what you do with YOUR money, yet somehow he is entitled to your financial support and parenting.....

It's not healthy what you were doing with him, but you will struggle to break it until he finally realises you are no longer a soft touch and walks away.

You will have to hold hard - he is trying to bully you by threatening to delete you, and get you to succumb to allowing him to treat you that bit more badly - you are fighting back with a bit of self respect, but that needs to hold hard for him to truly back off.

I would also predict that once he DOES accept you have grown a backbone and are prioritising your children he will replace you, quickly - which hurts. I know it does because I was replaced as my exes cash cow fairly rapidly - and something that I had poured myself into, the sacrifices I'd made, it all fell apart. It didn't mean the same to him as it did to me. And it was hard seeing in real time how little I meant to him.

It also taught me not to delude myself ever again.

I was doing all the running for both of us, and if I was true I knew that if I stopped totally he'd go - so I kept running to maintain the illusion we had a 'relationship' and he 'cared' for me. He didn't - he cared for what he gained by having me in his life. Once I stopped the benefits (mostly financial, housing etc) and he couldn't bully me back into the role that suited him he left.

The new one took up where I left off though - he was a victim, I was responsible for his financial state etc etc etc...

Brace yourself, you've done a strong and wonderful thing for your family, but you have a hard couple of months coming - you will have the choice of backing off and handing over more self respect and money, or standing strong for your kids and going through painful period of learning and admitting.

I wish you all the strength in the world. It's hard, but it's SO worth it!

Errata

Thanks for the update. Of course, everything is your fault including the fact that you've made him dump you!
You know, you don't have to live with a partner to be the victim of domestic abuse - in your case it's been both emotional and financial, so give yourself a pat on the back for escaping. I hope you stay escaped and at some point in the future find someone who is a rational human being.

Mojisola

tintingirl wrote: »

I got a text a while later telling me he had done the transfer, but I was deleted from his phone and from his life, I am the worse girlfriend he has ever had, I am childish, selfish, self-absorbed, spiteful and nasty and he wants nothing more to do with me, it was the best £150 he has ever spent to get me out of his life because I am a money grabbing !!!!! and it is such a relief to him that he owes me nothing and therefore I no longer have any reason to contact him.

I hope you haven't deleted that text. If he does try to come round you again, just pull it up and read it through.

You were so "selfish" that you lent him money! You are a "money grabbing !!!!!" because you asked him to pay the money back!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: