Whats your opinion?

Jinx

lazer wrote: »

The daughter is only 20 and the relationship has only been for a year - yes they are sexually active, but the mother probably wishes they weren't.

I do not understand why it is considered old fashioned etc to try and encourage young people not to have sex - it is not the be all and end all - despite what the media would have us believe, it is an important part of a loving stable long term relationship - but only a part of it.

My own parents would never let my boyfriend or later fiance stay in my room (we did when they weren't there but they didn't know!), It was their house and I respected their decision and didn't rub their nose in the fact that we were having sex - what parent wants to think of their child having sex?



Although surprisingly, whenver my mum came down to stay in my one bed flat, and my boyfriend was staying over due to work (We did not normally live together - but he had a temporary job and my house was nearer it) - my boyfriend had planned to sleep on the sofa and my mum on the bed with me (For comfort reasons and out of respect for her views), however my mum insisted on sleeping on the sofa.

I dont know any 20 year old who are with their partner for a year and dont have sex (actually I know one, religious reasons, can see it being a short engagement lol)- it may not be the be all and end all but it is a very important part of a relationship. In this case I think the daughter is more annoyed that the parents are treating her as a child and not acknowledging this is an adult, serious relationship.

Parents dont like to think of their children having sex, children dont like to think of their parents having sex. IMO this issue is about treating each other with respect and acknowledging everyone in the situation is an adult. If they are happy to have the boyfriend stay over and know they are intimate, frankly I feel they are being a bit silly to not trust the daughters judgement on her relationship. She could have just married the guy, what then, still separate beds?

lazer

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

People trying to infantalise their children?

In the olden days, they'd be knocked up at least 4 times by the age of 20.

20 is not old, it is still very young in terms of sexual maturity and most people I know at 20 are very immature and in sexual relationships which half of them aren't ready for. (Some are ready for it, some aren't - how many do you think are capable of dealing with the consequences - STD's, pregnancy etc).

The parents have values - I am assuming they subscribe to the no sex before marriage values - only they are picking their battles, they cannot control what their daughter gets up when they aren't there, but can control what she gets up to when they are there.

I am only 30, and recently had a discussion with my friends, most of us were over 20 when we lost our virginity and still felt we weren't ready when we did.

Sex is not dirty etc (like some people seem to be suggesting anyone who thinks the daughter and bf should be in seperate rooms believe it to be), it is part of a loving relationship but it is not something you do for the sake of it, it is something you should be mature enough for and able to deal with the consequences of- emotional and physical.
IMO society has swung to far, sex is meant to a private intimate thing between 2 people in love (not lust!), however nowadays it seems to be a pastime for some, with constant changing of partners etc.

If i have children they will not be allowed to sleep in the same in rooms (under my roof) as bf's or gf's until married - if they choose not to get married, that is their choice and I will be happy as they are happy, and will not change my position especially if younger children to consider too.
I believe in teaching my children morals - so under my roof it will seperate rooms unless married.

If the OP let her daughter sleep in the same room as the bf, and they spilt up next week, she then got a new boyfriend, should they be allowed to sleep in the same room too, how do you define a long term relationship - 2 weeks, 2 months, 6 months, 1 year?

poet123

I can see both sides of the debate. We don't know if the OP has younger children at home for example. That was an important issue for me when I faced the same thing.

We had no issue with it when it was a case of long term partners, but when do you accept it is long term? We were fortunate that our elder sons thought that it wasn't really on because of the age of their youngest brother. That said, they all have had a couple of discreet sleepovers with long term partners. More generally they stay at their houses though.

I do have friends who won't allow it under any circumstances even when the children live away and with the partner. Their child stays at home and the partner goes to his mum's when they come for a visit, and they are 28 and engaged!!

My feelings are that it would be odd and quite disturbing for people in their 20's not to want to have sex within a committed relationship and I would view it as an adult decision which was no business of mine.

PurplePow

lazer wrote: »

If i have children they will not be allowed to sleep in the same in rooms (under my roof) as bf's or gf's until married - if they choose not to get married, that is their choice and I will be happy as they are happy, and will not change my position especially if younger children to consider too.
I believe in teaching my children morals - so under my roof it will seperate rooms unless married.

But this really confuses me! So a couple are together 7 years, not married, so they'd have to sleep in separate rooms. Yet if they were that'd be fine? May I ask why?

These days younger couples are opting to save for deposits first, then weddings later.

Mojisola

PurplePow wrote: »

But this really confuses me! So a couple are together 7 years, not married, so they'd have to sleep in separate rooms. Yet if they were that'd be fine? May I ask why?

And if they have children without getting married? It's going to be interesting explaining to the grandchildren why Mum and Dad aren't allowed to sleep in the same room when they visit Grandma.

74jax

When I was married (yes really) my Mam wouldn't let me and my exH share my old room. If we wanted to stay it was seperate beds. Tbh it wasn't a biggy to me. Her house, her rules. We could have stayed elsewhere.

Person_one

lazer wrote: »

Sex is not dirty etc (like some people seem to be suggesting anyone who thinks the daughter and bf should be in seperate rooms believe it to be)

I believe in teaching my children morals - so under my roof it will seperate rooms unless married.

Hmm, you object to the implication that you have a bit of an issue with sex (I'm afraid this latest post only confirms it for me) but you have no problems implying that those of us who think young adults having sex with their partners is fine and normal are somehow immoral?

:cool:

Nicki

74jax wrote: »

When I was married (yes really) my Mam wouldn't let me and my exH share my old room. If we wanted to stay it was seperate beds. Tbh it wasn't a biggy to me. Her house, her rules. We could have stayed elsewhere.

I am so pleased that I am not the only one! I have been married for 22 years (and we were together for 5 years before we got married) and when we visit my parents they still insist on separate beds. In fact they even got rid of the only double bed in one of their spare rooms about 5 years after we got married, so this is not by accident!

Bizarrely enough, when I was pregnant with my third child my mother actually asked me if it had been conceived in her house :eek::eek: Chance would have been a fine thing :rotfl::rotfl:

lazer

PurplePow wrote: »

But this really confuses me! So a couple are together 7 years, not married, so they'd have to sleep in separate rooms. Yet if they were that'd be fine? May I ask why?

These days younger couples are opting to save for deposits first, then weddings later.

Because I believe in marriage, they haven't made the final committment to each other unless they are married.
In hard times it is much easier to walk away from a long term relationship than it is to walk away from a marriage, IMO (and from experience with family and friends) people are more prepared to work through the difficulties in a marriage.

To me marriage is important it a legal (and sometimes religious) committment between 2 people and is the foundation for a stable family life.
Co-habiting is all too easy and too quickly jumped into, marriage is a lifetime committment, co-habiting isn't and most of my friends who have cohabited have done so with at least 2 partners, whereas those who have got married, get married for life (at least that is what everyone should believe when they get married)

What is so wrong with renting - a relationship is more important than bricks and mortar, and a wedding does not have to be expensive - all my actual wedding cost was £75 for a course and £40 (I think) for the notice to marry and £8 for the certificate - the rest of the expense is simply trimmings.

If they have children and I have no younger children to consider I may reconsider my position, but just becasue my children decide that having a child before getting married is the right thing for them doesn't mean i have to change my principals - and I would hope my children would respect that.

Person_one

Nicki wrote: »

I am so pleased that I am not the only one! I have been married for 22 years (and we were together for 5 years before we got married) and when we visit my parents they still insist on separate beds. In fact they even got rid of the only double bed in one of their spare rooms about 5 years after we got married, so this is not by accident!

Bizarrely enough, when I was pregnant with my third child my mother actually asked me if it had been conceived in her house :eek::eek: Chance would have been a fine thing :rotfl::rotfl:

I wouldn't have let that carry on for 22 years. I'd have told them I'd be staying at a nearby hotel when I visited.