Whats your opinion?

Seanymph

I find 'it's your house, your rules' a ridiculous argument. It's her daughters home too.

When my children were little I got to make all the decisions and impose my will upon them - as they grew up I had to allow them to make some, then more decisions, and had to learn to respect their choices in life. Obviously you guide, you support and pick up pieces - but as they grow into adults your job suirely is to impose your will upon them less.

I don't think paying the bills for the home you share with your child gives you carte blanche to impose your will upon them without good reason.

And I don't think the OP has yet given us a good reason why she feels 'disrespected' because her 20 year old is sexually active, nor why somehow her feelings outrank those of her 20 year old adult daughter who ALSO has a right to make decisions and be comfortable and happy in the home.

If the mother wants an honest relationship with her daughter then discussion, negotiation and compromise would seem a good way forwards.

I have one daughter in a committed relationship whose b/f stays here (or she stays there) most nights of the week - they are moving in together next september at Uni. My other daughter does not have anyone stay because I refuse to meet strange boys, or encourage promiscuity - and she has no regular partner. I daresay in time she'll have a regular partner and we'll talk about it, once I know him well enough to meet him leaving the bathroom, or when I'm in my pj's, then I daresay she'll have him over to stay.

So I don't think anyone has a 'free for all' - we all have to share the house, and showing 'respect' in my house is not forcing your mother to make polite conversation with some fella she doesn't know over breakfast, and I think as a rule it saves her from perhaps making poor decisions.

But a long term boyfriend at that age? I'd struggle to find a logically supported argument for enforcing my will over theirs. And I dont' think that paying the rent for the 'family home' somehow gives you a right to dictate everything that happens in it for everyone else.

ellay864

I notice OP has neither returned to comment nor apparently thank people for their responses. At least we haven't seen the tantrums some people throw when they ask for advice but it's not what they want to hear; maybe they have genuinely been interested to get other views and it's given food for thought. I must admit its kind of refreshing to not get the stroppy dummy spitting we see too much of on here. But would be nice for some kind of acknowledgement from OP as they made a request for input

ash28

Person_one wrote: »

Are you sure?

I think the daughter's right to have a sex life with her partner of a year at the age of 20 trumps her mum's right to not feel a wee bit uncomfortable.

My boyfriend started staying over when we were 16, shockingly, the world didn't end.

I have a neighbour whose 16 year old daughter is on boyfriend number 4 - all have been allowed to sleep in the parents house...so they know where she is.....the first boyfriend she had been with for a year. They wish they'd never said yes to the first one.

Not everything revolves around the choices of our offspring or our offspring's sex life. Parents have choices too and if one those is that the girl shouldn't sleep with her boyfriend in their house then that is their choice.

Obviously the girl has choices too and one of those is that if she isn't happy with her parents choices or rules, is to move out.

The daughter might have a right to a sex life - but that right doesn't extend to the parental home without the parents agreement. It might be her home but it's their house - there is a difference.

I don't have particularly strong feelings on the subject but if other parents do, then they are entitled to have rules in their own house that they are comfortable with.

The poor OP has been lambasted on here by most posters who seem to think that parents should have no control over what happens in their own home and that their daughter should be able to do as she likes in the house, regardless of their wishes.

I have a son who smokes and although I'm okay with him smoking (it's his life) I don't want him to smoke in the house, he would like to be able to smoke in the house. Does his right to smoke override my right to say "not in my house"?.

cazziebo

ash28 wrote: »

I have a son who smokes and although I'm okay with him smoking (it's his life) I don't want him to smoke in the house, he would like to be able to smoke in the house. Does his right to smoke override my right to say "not in my house"?.

Excellent point :T I can put up with a lot from my two but wouldn't tolerate this. I've worked hard for this house, created a nice welcoming home and I will always live here. Hopefully (please, God!) my two daughters will at some point set up their own homes. I think that gives me some rights to say what's acceptable and what isn't in this one.

Sambucus_Nigra

ash28 wrote: »

The poor OP has been lambasted on here by most posters who seem to think that parents should have no control over what happens in their own home and that their daughter should be able to do as she likes in the house, regardless of their wishes.

I have a son who smokes and although I'm okay with him smoking (it's his life) I don't want him to smoke in the house, he would like to be able to smoke in the house. Does his right to smoke override my right to say "not in my house"?.

The poor OP asked for opinions. Nobody forced her to post about her daughters sex life on the most popular forum in the UK.

And as far as I can recall, you can't die from passive sh@gging. So it's not really a fair comparison.

ellay864

Bit harsh to say OP has been lambasted. They stated their views and asked what others thought. The majority of us have stated we hold different views but nobody has been abusive to the OP. It isn't even the case that people have made comments that OP said they didn't want; there's plenty of cases where people have clearly said what they want advice on but then get slated for all other things. In this case OP asked if we felt the stance they were taking was reasonable and people have responded honestly to that direct request. That's not lambasting

lazer

The daughter is only 20 and the relationship has only been for a year - yes they are sexually active, but the mother probably wishes they weren't.

I do not understand why it is considered old fashioned etc to try and encourage young people not to have sex - it is not the be all and end all - despite what the media would have us believe, it is an important part of a loving stable long term relationship - but only a part of it.

My own parents would never let my boyfriend or later fiance stay in my room (we did when they weren't there but they didn't know!), It was their house and I respected their decision and didn't rub their nose in the fact that we were having sex - what parent wants to think of their child having sex?



Although surprisingly, whenver my mum came down to stay in my one bed flat, and my boyfriend was staying over due to work (We did not normally live together - but he had a temporary job and my house was nearer it) - my boyfriend had planned to sleep on the sofa and my mum on the bed with me (For comfort reasons and out of respect for her views), however my mum insisted on sleeping on the sofa.

Mojisola

ash28 wrote: »

Parents have choices too and if one those is that the girl shouldn't sleep with her boyfriend in their house then that is their choice.

But that isn't the rule here. "You can have sex in the house when we're not here but when we are in you're not even allowed to stay in the same room" - that's weird!

That's why people are asking why the OP has this rule. She knows they have sex and she knows they have sex in her house when they're alone. So it isn't about an unmarried couple being intimate or about it happening in the house.

Without any other explanation, it sounds like a parent being freaked out by the fear of hearing a daughter having sex. If that's the reason, be honest with the girl. "You can spend the night in the same room. If you can't have quiet sex, don't do it when we're in!"

claire16c

ash28 wrote: »

I have a son who smokes and although I'm okay with him smoking (it's his life) I don't want him to smoke in the house, he would like to be able to smoke in the house. Does his right to smoke override my right to say "not in my house"?.

What a ridiculous comparision. Someone sleeping in a bed or having sex in that bed, isnt going to stink the house out with toxic fumes, yellow the paint and wall paper, and poison people.

OP - your daughter is 20. If you are comfortable having her boyfriend in your house as in you like the guy, and you dont mind him being there when youre all getting up in the morning, - which Im guessing you dont or you wouldnt allow him over full stop, then get over it.

Shes an adult and she has sex. And btw - just because theyre in the same bed doesnt necessarily mean theyre doing it only at that time in your house, sometimes theyre probably just sleeping! I dont see what its got to do with respect, that seems to be a word used when someone cant come up with a reasonable explanation.

Glitter_girl_2

I was never allowed to have a bf sleep in my bed at home. I will have the same rules for my children. If you live in your parents house you should respect their rules.