Whats your opinion?

19lottie82

I don't really see the point of your way of thinking, they are both adults, in an adult relationship and she is in her twenties BUT it is your home and I think your daughter should respect that HOWEVER if your daughter pays you regular rent, then I think you should allow her to do what she wants (within reason).

ash28

claire16c wrote: »

What a ridiculous comparision. Someone sleeping in a bed or having sex in that bed, isnt going to stink the house out with toxic fumes, yellow the paint and wall paper, and poison people.

OP - your daughter is 20. If you are comfortable having her boyfriend in your house as in you like the guy, and you dont mind him being there when youre all getting up in the morning, - which Im guessing you dont or you wouldnt allow him over full stop, then get over it.

Shes an adult and she has sex. And btw - just because theyre in the same bed doesnt necessarily mean theyre doing it only at that time in your house, sometimes theyre probably just sleeping! I dont see what its got to do with respect, that seems to be a word used when someone cant come up with a reasonable explanation.

Perhaps not the best comparison in the world but still relevant as it a rule in our house - our son may not like it but he doesn't go against our wishes.

The OP's daughter may be an adult and may have sex and perhaps her parent's do know she has sex in the house when they are on holiday, but that doesn't mean they agree with it or like it, perhaps it's more a case of they can't do anything about it.

My son had parties when we were on holiday (I know he did, not because we discussed them - but he wasn't as good on the cleaning front as he thought he was) - that doesn't mean to say I allowed them when I was at home. I didn't. Perhaps for the OP it was a case of what she see didn't bother her too much - a lot of people are like that. Not quite a case of out of sight out of mind but close.

People seem to regard the parents wishes as irrelevant, and that the parents should do as the daughter wants - their wishes aren't irrelevant - they are as relevant as the daughters.

I'm not trying to cause an argument BTW - just putting forward a different point of view.

A lot of parents are uncomfortable when confronted by their children's sexuality.

Do you always have to put your own feelings to one side and only consider what your children want?

Del_Astra

My take on why the OP is feeling disrespected is that the OP has asked her DD not to sleep in the same bed as b/f when he stays over at OP's place when OP is present. OP has clearly caught them out and knows they are going against her wishes, this would make me feel disrepected too.

My parents never let me sleep in the same room as my g/f (never mind bed, this was in 2003), even six months prior to getting married under their roof. Although we lived together for 4 years prior to that. We respected their wishes as that was the way we were brought up. Once married they wanted us to have their bed and they would take the spare room, now that was seriously yuk! and we were like no need to put yourself's out, we are fine in the spare room.

I'll back the OP, they have discussed it, DD knows OP's wishes but has gone against them, requires further discussion with OP and DD and perhaps even b/f. Keep the lines of communication open, its perhaps not "perfect" and "as you would wish" but don't alienate them discuss it like adults as that is what you have a house full of adults.

Person_one

I don't understand what people think is so awful and shameful about sex that they don't want their children doing it?

Haven't we moved on a bit from the Victorian era and little skirts on the piano legs!

Sex is entirely normal, natural, instinctive, loving and fun. What's the big deal about it?

Mojisola

ash28 wrote: »

People seem to regard the parents wishes as irrelevant, and that the parents should do as the daughter wants - their wishes aren't irrelevant - they are as relevant as the daughters.

I'm not trying to cause an argument BTW - just putting forward a different point of view.

A lot of parents are uncomfortable when confronted by their children's sexuality.

Do you always have to put your own feelings to one side and only consider what your children want?

I don't think the OP's views are irrelevant but an explanation why she holds the views would be useful.

If parents have strict moral/religious views about sex before marriage, I would expect the children to respect that and move out if they can't.

If it's a case of "not when we might hear you", there's no reason to ban them sleeping (and I mean sleeping) in the same room together.

As more families are having to share households as "children" become adults, I think the relationship has to change. We've tried to adapt our relationship with our adult children - I'm not just their mother and they don't expect me to do the things I did when they were children; I don't expect them to do what I tell them as I would when they were children.

If we're going to live together in harmony, we need to co-operate and compromise.

ecgirl07

Nothing wrong with a little bit of old fashioned values, i kinda like the idea that some parents still enforce the separate bedroom rule. As i approach middle age I changing a lot of my views and we could probably do with a few more old fashioned values about the community, especially respect for elders. The balance of replies are all about the parent respecting the adult child but the adult child should still respect their parents.

OP i would play along with the game of ruffled bedding and be happy that you DD is trying play within the rules. Thats one of those in a few years you get to wind her up about.

January20

Person_one wrote: »

I don't understand what people think is so awful and shameful about sex that they don't want their children doing it?

Haven't we moved on a bit from the Victorian era and little skirts on the piano legs!

Sex is entirely normal, natural, instinctive, loving and fun. What's the big deal about it?

I have been wondering the same! Is sex somehow dirty? Do people only do it to procreate? Obviously, it must be the case lol!

Somebody said that at 20 the girl is still young and shouldn't be encouraged to have sex. When would a person be old enough to have sex then? When they're 80?

I'm reassured I'm not the only one with such a liberal attitude Person_one!

Sambucus_Nigra

January20 wrote: »

I have been wondering the same! Is sex somehow dirty? Do people only do it to procreate? Obviously, it must be the case lol!

Somebody said that at 20 the girl is still young and shouldn't be encouraged to have sex. When would a person be old enough to have sex then? When they're 80?

I'm reassured I'm not the only one with such a liberal attitude Person_one!

People trying to infantalise their children?

In the olden days, they'd be knocked up at least 4 times by the age of 20.

PurplePow

As someone in my later 20's now.. I must say I don't see a problem with it at all. She is 20, and in a long term relationship.

So if they were married it would be different? How very old fashioned!! People don't get married as young as they used to remember, and it takes a long time these days for young couples to save a deposit to move out into their own home, so marriage isn't the first idea anymore!

Thankfully my now fiance's parents didn't have a problem with me living with them for a few years whilst we saved for a deposit. They probably preferred their son to stay with them longer, as otherwise we would have had no choice but to move out and rent.

janninew

Does the OP's Daughter pay rent?

My parents were very strict when I was growing up and my boyfriend who I had been seeing for 3 years wasn't even allowed in my bedroom during the day (I later went on to marry him). I ended up moving out at 17 years old and moved in with him!

My parents were divorced a few years ago and my Dad moved to Scotland and started a new relationship. When they came to stay with us I said they couldn't share a room under my roof as they weren't married!! (I was only joking!)