Whats your opinion?

Person_one

kitschkitty wrote: »

My parents would never let my partner stay over either, we had no spare room (I was 21/22) I hated it, but even adult children have to accept their parents rules when they still live at home, no matter how odd, silly or petty the rules may be.

Its their home too though, and its not always as simple as 'if you don't like it move out.'

kitschkitty

Person_one wrote: »

Its their home too though, and its not always as simple as 'if you don't like it move out.'

But is that simple though. I either did as my parents wanted or moved out.

Doesn't mean I always liked or agreed with doing thing their way though.

Oh and occasionally when my mum comes round my house these days If I do something like say swear, or have a pile of washing up and she comments I very happily remind her - my house, my rules and I'll do as I like!

podperson

So you know that they sleep in the same bed when you're not there, you know they're sexually intimate - they've been together for a year so at least past the 'passing fling' stage - but you want them to pretend that they're not when you're in the house?

I'm sorry I just don't understand the reasoning behind it. If you had a moral objection to them having sex then that would be one thing, but you know they do and don't seem particularly bothered about it. I must admit I can't see how encouraging them to pretend something isn't happening is going to help your relationship with your daughter - in fact as you're seeing it's leading to her lying to you and 'pretending' because that's what you seem to be saying you want.

For what it's worth my mum had a similar attiude and I moved out at 18 because I couldn't cope with it. Just be careful you don't drive her away.

SuzieSue

kitschkitty wrote: »

But is that simple though. I either did as my parents wanted or moved out.

Doesn't mean I always liked or agreed with doing thing their way though.

Oh and occasionally when my mum comes round my house these days If I do something like say swear, or have a pile of washing up and she comments I very happily remind her - my house, my rules and I'll do as I like!

That's fine if there is a reason for the rules. The OP hasn't said what her objection is, but seeing as she knows her DD is having a sexual relationship I don't understand what the problem is which her sharing a bed.

It is unreasonable to say my house, my rules for no reason at all. Times have changed and what might not have been acceptable 50 years ago is acceptable now. The OP needs to change with the times instead of imposing unreasonable rules and causing unnecessary conficts. Life is too short for petty rules and unnecessary stress. There are much more important things to worry about. If this is all that is bothering the OP then she has probably got too much time on her hands and should think about doing some good eg charity work rather than trying to cause misery to her daughter.

I am writing as the daughter of a completely unreasonable mother, so I know what I am talking about.

Person_one

kitschkitty wrote: »

But is that simple though. I either did as my parents wanted or moved out.

These days, young adults are living at home for longer and longer due to the rubbish job market and the high cost of housing. I didn't move out properly until 24, and even then I came back for 6 months after a break up and redundancy a year later!

Are young adults finding it tough to strike out alone really supposed to stay celibate or sneak around like teenagers until their mid to late twenties?

kiss_me_now9

From the flipside of the coin...

On another forum I frequent I'm a long time poster on a long distance relationship thread (as I'm in an LDR and have been for pretty much all my relationship with my OH) and some of the girls in the thread are asked to sleep in separate rooms from their long term, long distance partners - quite abrasively sometimes! Most of the parents say it only because they want to cause trouble, the couples have been together for 4/5 years and are 23 - 25 years old, yet they're expected to sleep on the sofa whenever they visit their partner.

It's reasonable at 15, less reasonable but acceptable at 17/18 but at 20+ it's very old fashioned and without a decent reason (such as religious = if my partners parents said the same and stated that they didn't believe non-married couples should sleep together under their roof then it would be a different story). I think you should talk to your husband, DD and her partner together and explain exactly why you feel this way, and see what they all say.

kitschkitty

SuzieSue wrote: »

That's fine if there is a reason for the rules. The OP hasn't said what her objection is, but seeing as she knows her DD is having a sexual relationship I don't understand what the problem is which her sharing a bed.

It is unreasonable to say my house, my rules for no reason at all. Times have changed and what might not have been acceptable 50 years ago is acceptable now. The OP needs to change with the times instead of imposing unreasonable rules and causing unnecessary conficts. Life is too short for petty rules and unnecessary stress. There are much more important things to worry about. If this is all that is bothering the OP then she has probably got too much time on her hands and should think about doing some good eg charity work rather than trying to cause misery to her daughter.

I am writing as the daughter of a completely unreasonable mother, so I know what I am talking about.

So you think I don't know what I'm talking about - interesting.

My personal views are that I wouldn't object. My partner (is now my husband) & his parents never objected, nor did his auntie when we had to stay at her house one night, but my parents did, and that's their right. While I think that their reasons were stupid, they were their reasons, and they didn't have to justify them to anyone else.

Saying "times have changed" as the reason the OP (and those who do as she does) should change their view/behaviour is, when you look at it equally as silly a thing to make someone base their behaviour on as whatever reason they've personally decided upon, neither actually has any value!

Also why try to belittle the OP with your further comments, this particular issue is not new, it's one that many parents have discussed, doesn't make their lives any less fulfilled or meaningful than parents who let their kids share a bed!

kitschkitty

Person_one wrote: »

These days, young adults are living at home for longer and longer due to the rubbish job market and the high cost of housing. I didn't move out properly until 24, and even then I came back for 6 months after a break up and redundancy a year later!

Are young adults finding it tough to strike out alone really supposed to stay celibate or sneak around like teenagers until their mid to late twenties?

I agree with you, but it still doesn't mean that every parent has to agree too.

BTW the last few replies appear to make it seem like I'm out of touch or some old fogey, - I'm only just in my 30's now.

Another thought just about the state of things these days is that will people next be saying that parents should let/encourage their kids to have kids while still living at home because they can't afford to move out until their biological clocks ticking what with the average age for moving out getting higher and higher... - I mean it's where this debate will surely degenerate to so may as well ask now!

(Personally I think the government is treating younger adults like children more & more yet saying they want families & family values - it's ridiculous, but that's another debate for a different thread)!

ellay864

I could understand you feeling it is disrespectful if your daughter lies to you, and it's disrespectful to totally ignore your views with no consideration. But I don't think that your daughter sleeping with her boyfriend in itself is a mark of disrespect. You acknowledge they sleep together at his place or when you're away but for some reason you don't explain you don't want them to share a bedroom when you're there.
If you're embarassed at the idea of being aware of sexual activity then have a word about that. My husband jokingly says our sex life has nosedived now that my kids are older as he is uncomfortable about them hearing us! My son and his girlfriend sleep together when here - he's 18 she's 17 but they have been together 2 years (and although I know they did sleep together before she was 16 that was against my advice and not under my roof). We are able to talk openly and they both say they would not want to be disturbing us with any 'activity'! Aside from that potential slight embarassment factor I can't think of my reason for not letting a girl in her 20s sharing a room with her long-standing boyfriend.

January20

I have to echo the posts who ask why you think it is disrespectful to you and your husband? I can never understand it when parents say that about their adult children in long term relationship! Would it be less disrespectful to you if they went and did it in the park and risk being done for indecent behaviour in a public place or similar?

I know it's your house, you rules but since we are talking about respect, how about your attitude being disrespectful to your daughter who is an adult woman?

As long as they are discreet, I really don't see what the problem is! And fwiw, I have a dd the same age with a boyfriend and have no problems with them sharing the same bed.