Negotiation In Marriage

gwinnie

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I have thought in the past that I might be depressed but I would not take medication for it. To be honest I am much better now - I am taking Agnus Castus to regulate my hormones etc and this really helps with all the emotional stuff.

I know we are in a destructive relationship and that it is very much parent/child but I am not sure how to get out of it.

I won't mention the time he messaged a friend on Facebook about a kitten and then collected it after work one day and brought it home. He did not consider the fact we are in private rental and were not allowed any more cats or that our other cats might not get on with it. Of course once it was in the house what could I do?

This is what he seems to do all the time, he asks my opinion on something, I give an answer and my reasons, within a few days he has got said thing and brought it home and then it is too late to do anything so I put up and shut up - maybe this is the problem - I don't moan too much once it is home so he sees it as a green light to do this all the time.

I've just revisited a thread I started a while back on DT about a problem I had with someone at work who was passive aggressive. There's some interesting posts on there, I'm wondering if you might find some that resonate for you - especially post #45. Here's the link, it's only 3pp but got locked. No idea why as there was nothing controversial going on!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2473087

Eager_Elephant

splishsplash wrote: »

Are you just posting to rant, OP? It seems like you are unwilling to actually do anything about your situation. You seem resigned to living in this way for at least eight more years, so what is it exactly you think you can negotiate?

You are being played like a guitar, and you're continuing to allow it to happen, so what incentive is there for him change anything? He gets his way about everything he wants, he knows you'll remain in the marriage despite him cheating on you several times so far (calling it emotional infidelity is like calling a shovel an earth-inverting horticultural implement, it doesn't actually change what it is), he knows you'll put up and shut up if he uses emotional blackmail.

You feel pressured and martyred and mithered, but you don't really actually want anything else? You're not really expecting him to negotiate a deal where he will stop cheating on you, using you and ignoring your wishes, are you? What are you looking for, exactly?

Originally I came on here for ideas about negotiation in marriage - DH and I had a discussion last night about decisions and we both know we need to negotiate but if that negotiation does not change anything then what happens.
We have had counselling before and all the counsellor said was to negotiate but I wanted other opinions on how negotiations work in other marriages.
He also mentioned last night that I am too controlling etc which is why I have mentioned it.

Now it looks like it is full circle and actually I am the one being controlled but it was not until I posted and people replied did I realise that this is true.

I was after ideas on how to manage our marriage to make it easier to live with.

I do want something else out of life but I am not in a position to leave yet - I know I am daft to worry about guilt but this is how I have always been.

What I really want is a lovely husband who treats me well etc and if I can change my current husband that would be great but I don't think it is going to happen. I am not sure if my husband even wants to change.

I have tried to break the destructive relationship we have but it has not worked and now I am beginning to forget exactly what the counsellor said so any books I can read on the subject would be great.

I do not wish to negotiate my marriage to stop him committing EI, I want to know how negotiations work in other marriages where both sides think their decision is right.

When I talk about EI this is because he has never actually physically cheated on me or actually met anyone off the internet etc. Instead what he has done is flirted and texted in secret and built up a fantasy life for himself. Since Facebook it has mainly been flirty messages - no where near as bad as before.

Welshwoofs

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I have spoken to my daughter in a round about way and she is adamant she wants us all to be a happy family and live together. I tried to sell it to by explaining how much more fun it would be if we lived seperately and she could have sleep overs etc but she said she dit not want this.

You don't need to 'sell' it - it's not your daughter's decision, it's yours. Children aren't daft; if the atmosphere is unhappy at home then they'll pick up on it. If you are feeling this bad - how will you cope in years to come? What if it drives you into clinical depression....how could it possibly be the best for your children to have two clincially depressed parents who can't cope with life?

Therefore the best option is to stay put until my DD is 18, maybe my husband might find someone new and move on and then I can also move on. But while he has this fragile state of mind I do not want to rock the boat and I could not live with the guilt if he killed himself.

If he killed himself it would be because of depression and nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for your husband's happiness or his coping with depression and staying with him because you're worried he'll do something to himself is the worst reason to stay.

Nothing you have said in this thread so far gives the impression that this is a good relationship....

When I talk about EI this is because he has never actually physically cheated on me or actually met anyone off the internet etc. Instead what he has done is flirted and texted in secret and built up a fantasy life for himself. Since Facebook it has mainly been flirty messages - no where near as bad as before.

If he's making up a fantasy life it's because he's not happy with the one he has. You can't fix that for him - you can either live with how he is (if he can't/won't help himself) or you can do something positive to help yourself.

mountainofdebt

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I have spoken to my daughter in a round about way and she is adamant she wants us all to be a happy family and live together. I tried to sell it to by explaining how much more fun it would be if we lived seperately and she could have sleep overs etc but she said she dit not want this.

.

So not only are you being manipulated by your husband, you're being manipulated by a 12 year old as well?

You AREN'T a happy family now and sooner than you think, unless something radically changes, your daughter will realise that.

As already said what does that teach her about relationships - that its ok to manipulate the other person into doing what you want them to do?

And if you are that concerned about his behaviour, couldn't you apply for supervised access?

Eager_Elephant

Mojisola wrote: »

It doesn't sound like it. If he really valued your help and really loved you, he wouldn't be behaving the way he does.

I think you've either got to put up or shut up - are you really going to live like this for another eight years and then leave him? If you're going to do it then, why wait? If you are going to wait, you'll have to put up with his behaviour.

Your daughter wants you all to be a "happy family" - well, you're not and there's very little chance you will be.

I am doing something about this - DH's step-father who lives with us is moving out soon and we will go back to our own home.

With him moving out it means we can talk like normal adults without worrying about people overhearing.

Once we are in our own home I will only have us 4 to worry about and I will be able to get my head straighter.

I cannot just walk out now as the house we all live in is rented from my daughters friends parents and I do not want to leave them in limbo.

I am hoping with less stress from all the crap that living with extended family brings that my husband might start feeling mentally better and then I can talk to him properly about this.

ecgirl07

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I have spoken to my daughter in a round about way and she is adamant she wants us all to be a happy family and live together. I tried to sell it to by explaining how much more fun it would be if we lived seperately and she could have sleep overs etc but she said she dit not want this.

To be honest I would not trust my husband if we split up - you hear of fathers (and mothers) who have contact with children but cannot get over a break up etc and this is what I am so worried about - I would never forgive myself if he killed my children.

Therefore the best option is to stay put until my DD is 18, maybe my husband might find someone new and move on and then I can also move on. But while he has this fragile state of mind I do not want to rock the boat and I could not live with the guilt if he killed himself.

1. That choice is not your DD's it is yours.

2. If you are staying with him because of this fear then you need to leave asap even temporarily until he is in a fit mental state to be your partner. You need to get him to the GP and get him help, until he is mentally well you will be unhappy.

3. IF he kills himself then it is on him, he is a cognitive adult who is making his own choices about his life. This guilt (while easy to say when not mired in the life) you feel is his power over you. He can in fact get away with anything because if he doesnt get his way he will kill himself. this is no vibe to be bringing your children up in, was your DD aware of the search and rescue operation?

Mojisola

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I cannot just walk out now as the house we all live in is rented from my daughters friends parents and I do not want to leave them in limbo.

The excuses that you can't do anything in case he hurts himself is understandable but now you can't move in case it upsets your daughter's friend's parents!

I would forget about counselling and get some self-esteem training for yourself and then start to look very seriously about how you interact with other people. You are not responsible for everyone else's happiness!

Sambucus_Nigra

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Now it looks like it is full circle and actually I am the one being controlled but it was not until I posted and people replied did I realise that this is true.

I really hope then that you can do something about this now that the veil has been lifted. But please don't involve your daughter in any decision making - that's got to be your level decision not a child's.

C_Mababejive

There very often never is a good time to pull the plug. There will always be another reason to stall it. Fact is that ending a relationship means
1)Evaluating it and deciding it is no longer working
2)Expressing this to the other person clearly and concisely
3)Packing
4)Leaving
5)Having a good wail at some later point but realising it was the right and best thing to do

Dunroamin

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I have spoken to my daughter in a round about way and she is adamant she wants us all to be a happy family and live together. I tried to sell it to by explaining how much more fun it would be if we lived seperately and she could have sleep overs etc but she said she dit not want this.
.

What a terrible thing to do to a child!