Negotiation In Marriage

Dunroamin

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

What has made me more upset/sad this time is that my best friend has told me she no longer wishes to associate with my husband - she has not given me an ultimatum to pick but understands if I do not want to see her again.

Her main issues are around my husband always ruining things for her such as her wedding by being ill. I know he has not done this on purpose but that is how she feels.

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That sounds like a best friend you'd be well rid of!

marleyboy

scooby088 wrote: »

I know she is the boss and I keep quiet until it goes tits up...

And we all know who's fault that will be.

gwinnie

A lot going on there Eager.. I don't have some magic cure-all instant advice to give, but over the years I learnt a little rule of thumb that really helps me through difficulties with other people, whoever they are in my life. Yes, the closer someone is the harder it is to do because you open up the most to the ones you are closest to. But it can be done, you just need to keep reminding yourself of it.

And this little rule of thumb is to not take anything personally. Other people's behaviours are first and foremost coming from a need to make themselves feel a bit better about something. It's about them, not really about you. Hence the emotional infidelity. You know him inside out. It's not because he doesn't care for you. It's not that he is likely really that interested in someone else for them. It's that he is using these interactions as a mirror to find an idealised version of himself, so that he can feel better about himself.

BTW this rule of thumb can help the other way round as well. Take a step back from yourself from time to time, and observe your own reactions to something. Explore how you are feeling at the time. Worried? Angry? Sad? You can choose to try and manage your emotions on things, to make yourself feel better as a conscious effort.

For example, the goats. This was a frustrating thing to happen. But now that the goats are there, you can choose how you feel about the situation.

You can continue to feel frustrated about them, now that they are here, worry about the feed and vet bills, worry about your OH's resilience in looking after them. But this will become a low-level stress ever present, eating away at you, casting a shadow over your life.

You can actively choose to try and manage your emotions by not feeding the worry. Your OH is looking after them today so today there is no onus on you to step in. But do set up a contingency plan in case he stops looking after them. Your contingency plan means that you don't have to worry about the goats today, because today he is looking after them. And if he stops looking after them, then you know what you will do about the situation. So even if the day comes that he does stop looking after them, even on that day you don't need to suffer stress and worry because you have a plan in place..

This is the start, just to help yourself emotionally. You can't change him. None of us has the power to change the way anyone else behaves. But you do have the power to manage your own feelings and actions. That to me is what real control is. Don't waste your energy, your strength, your emotions, your wellbeing on trying to change what can't be changed. Reserve it for yourself, so that you can build a good life for you and your family.

One observation I have is regarding the smallholding. It means that you and your OH are not just husband and wife, you are also business partners. ISTM that the business partnership is negatively affecting your emotional relationship because the two of you have a very different approach to business. And the frustrations about business decisions will carry through into your personal relationship..

Welshwoofs

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

My husband did attend the wedding and had a bit of a boogie (I love dancing) and then we went back to the hotel. He then suffered intensely for a whole week.

My friend said that clearly he was not that ill as he had come to the wedding and had a dance whereas she felt he should have gone to a quiter room or not come

When you've sorted out your husband one way of the other, I'd go on to get rid of the friend personally. Imagine if you ever got M.E.? She would believe you were 'not that ill' if you suffered for a long time after a night out.

My whole life revolves round him and how he feels - it did before and now even more so that he is ill.
If he is not well we have to tip toe round him so as not to make him more ill etc. His moods dictate the mood of the household.

Unfortunately that is often the reality of living with someone who has depression. My ex partner of 10 years was bi-polar and much of the time it was like walking on egg shells because a simple "What do you want for dinner?" could be greeted with a culinary suggestion on one day and a long, shouty litany of woes on another that culminated with door-slamming and disappearances for hours. It's bloody hard at the best of times, in a solid relationship - but in a relationship that has other problems it's pretty much death.

He has had counselling numerous times over everything that has happened to him but it never helps him change and instead we have all changed to accomodate him.

If accommodating is making you unhappy and you he can't/won't change and you can't/won't live with him with the way he is then the answer is to split unfortunately.

Eager_Elephant

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

So how do you expect this to end?

Honestly I think I will end it when my DD has finished her education - so I have another 8 years to manage - I have done 12 so another 8 is not so bad.

Other parts of my life are good which is why I can cope with having a cr4p marriage.

Eager_Elephant

gwinnie wrote: »

.

And this little rule of thumb is to not take anything personally. Other people's behaviours are first and foremost coming from a need to make themselves feel a bit better about something. It's about them, not really about you. Hence the emotional infidelity. You know him inside out. It's not because he doesn't care for you. It's not that he is likely really that interested in someone else for them. It's that he is using these interactions as a mirror to find an idealised version of himself, so that he can feel better about himself. ..

To be honest normally I let it all wash over me and not rise to the bait but this week it just seems to have got on top of me - I think it is because I have been at home most of the time. I am not very maternal and love working and not having had that (except Friday) means I am a bit out of kilter.
Back to work Thurs and then I will be ok

I think this is how I have lasted for 12 years already otherwise I am sure I would have suffered a breakdown.

I know he does the EI to feel better about himself as he has already told me this numerous times, the stories he made up (before Facebook) to some of the women were so far out there but made him feel better. Now that we have Facebook he does it to acquaintances now and does not make up the lies.

He was gutted that my friend and all her family de-friended him on Facebook as he could not see that he had done wrong but also because he likes to be liked.

gwinnie wrote: »

.

One observation I have is regarding the smallholding. It means that you and your OH are not just husband and wife, you are also business partners. ISTM that the business partnership is negatively affecting your emotional relationship because the two of you have a very different approach to business. And the frustrations about business decisions will carry through into your personal relationship..

Our smallholding is registered with HMRC as self-employment but we don't make any profit on it - I would say it is more of a hobby but as we sell the meat we have to be registered as commercial.

When we first started with a few chickens it was fine and just a hobby, then we progressed to land for the chickens and now we have 2 - 3 acres.
It mainly was DH's domain so he would unlock them and feed them in the morning while I sorted the children but what that meant was that sometimes I was up by 6 with the children while he stayed in bed until he felt like it as the animals could wait - I never got a lay in and when DH said I could and would deal with the kids he would always have them in our bed before they got up so they disturbed me anyway.

Changing to alternate days for unlocking and feeding meant that I could get up in my own time on those days and I did not feel like DH got all the lay ins - although tbh I am normally up before the children anyway.

ecgirl07

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Honestly I think I will end it when my DD has finished her education - so I have another 8 years to manage - I have done 12 so another 8 is not so bad.

Other parts of my life are good which is why I can cope with having a cr4p marriage.

staying for the kids is one of the worst plans out there. Kids know their parents are unhappy with each other. why subject your child to 8 years living in an unhappy household? instead give her 8 years living in a happy home with just you.

podperson

It sounds like perhaps he's feeling rather useless and unneeded. You say you make the major decisions, he's told what to do and you don't seem to have a lot of respect for him - which may be leading to him 'rebelling' and doing what he wants anyway as well as the emotional cheating as he wants to feel needed/important etc (am not excusing it, simply saying that may be why he does it).

Do you actually want to stay together? At the moment it sounds like you 'lay down the law' - he moans/whinges/puts on a guilt trip, tends to get his own way anyway, you feel resentful and angry at him - and no one is winning on anything! It also sounds like a very negative enviroment for your child to be growing up in.

Can you start trying to compromise on things - for example with the goats, if you say that you don't want to pay for their food and have to care for them - so if he pays for and looks after them then fine, if he doesn't then they have to go. Try and give options rather then a straight 'no' to everything.

My OH has had mental health issues for a number of years so I know how hard it can be to feel like your life is revolving around them. But I know in our case at least, my OH is very aware of that fact and feels very guilty about it - which obviously doesn't help his mental health. I try and make sure he's aware of the things he brings to the relationship as well and what he can do to help me out - for example he's at home more so does more of the housework, he's better at DIY so helps me with bits like that, he's great with computers so helps me with mine etc. I try to make sure he does feel like he still contributes and that I appreciate what he does do for me.

Mojisola

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

This was discussed at Relate and the counsellor said we have a parent/child relationship but I am finding it difficult to get out of this.

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I am really sad and have been for a long time - that was the problem with counselling - I spent half the time crying and I am not sure why.

The problem is I cannot speak to my husband at the moment because he sees that he is not good enough for me and then he starts talking about suicide etc

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

When I try to discuss this emotional infidelity he seems to shut down and all he says is he doesn't know why he does it but won't do it again - yeah until the next time.

E_E - have you thought that you might be depressed, too, from trying to cope with this relationship?

From what you've written on this thread, I would have said that your husband was playing you all the way. If it's a parent/child relationship, then what you've got is a manipulative teenager on your hands - don't leave me or I'll kill myself; sorry I started chatting up other women again - I won't do it again; I know you said you didn't want X/Y/Z so I just got them anyway because you always give in when I do.

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship to raise a child in. What is she going to learn about relationships from watching her parents?

Eager_Elephant

ecgirl07 wrote: »

staying for the kids is one of the worst plans out there. Kids know their parents are unhappy with each other. why subject your child to 8 years living in an unhappy household? instead give her 8 years living in a happy home with just you.

I have spoken to my daughter in a round about way and she is adamant she wants us all to be a happy family and live together. I tried to sell it to by explaining how much more fun it would be if we lived seperately and she could have sleep overs etc but she said she dit not want this.

To be honest I would not trust my husband if we split up - you hear of fathers (and mothers) who have contact with children but cannot get over a break up etc and this is what I am so worried about - I would never forgive myself if he killed my children.

Therefore the best option is to stay put until my DD is 18, maybe my husband might find someone new and move on and then I can also move on. But while he has this fragile state of mind I do not want to rock the boat and I could not live with the guilt if he killed himself.