Negotiation In Marriage

arbroath_lass

Sorry, I don't know any books to recommend. I don't know how it works - can you go back to Relate? Can your GP offer anything? What about your local church? I'm not Christian but I've seen other posts on here saying some can offer relationship help.

You sound really sad now. I hope you manage to work things out.

Frith

Can't offer any advice on relationships but I know a lot about goats! We always had them when we were children and I would have a couple now if I had more room.

What breed are they? Have you got a shed for them? The cost of the feed shouldn't be too much of an issue if you have plenty of grass, a friendly greengrocer who will give you left over stock and you buy a sack of sugar beet.

Free milk too.

Brighton_belle

CH27 wrote: »

Does your poor husband have any good points in your eyes?

You don't think living with someone with depression, who thinks nothing of running up £23,000 of debt and is emotionally unfaithful might be a tad difficult for the OP?
He's not a helpless little victim, as others keep stressing, he's a grown man: he is making choices too.

***

OP is clearly pretty miserable and has said quite clearly she would leave if it weren't for her daughter and his propensity to go missing/mental health issues.
OP is being very honest about her not being without fault but my goodness, this does not sound like a happy way to be living. It would be interesting to know if he though she had any good points, as he doesn't seem to mmind being emotionally unfaithful - can't be making the OP feel very valued and cherished.
I don't buy this 'it's all the OP's fault' that some appear to be suggesting.I think you both sound mismatched vis a vis risk, that is hard to both of you.

Eager_Elephant

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I am staying for our daughter who is only 10 and loves her dad so much QUOTE]

Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship?
.

I already know that she will have issues about relationships - I don't want her to see all this which is why we try to only discuss things when she is in bed.

I think it would do her more harm if we split up.

Eager_Elephant

CH27 wrote: »

Does your poor husband have any good points in your eyes?

My husband has a lot of good points:

He is very hard working and everything he does is done with 100% perfection.

He is very good at every job he has done and is always well liked by colleagues and clients.

He can be funny and witty.

He is very good at DIY.

He is sometimes a good father (when he is not I do not say anything to him)

The sex is amazing (This is one of the reasons I put up with all the !!!! because the sex is very good and that alone makes up for everything and this is why I think we have an abusive relationship - he commits emotional infidelity, we argue, we discuss, he promises not to do it again, we have sex and everything is ok (in his eyes))

I can't say he is trustworthy or honest because he is not.

CH27

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

My husband has a lot of good points:

He is very hard working and everything he does is done with 100% perfection.

He is very good at every job he has done and is always well liked by colleagues and clients.

He can be funny and witty.

He is very good at DIY.

He is sometimes a good father (when he is not I do not say anything to him)

The sex is amazing (This is one of the reasons I put up with all the !!!! because the sex is very good and that alone makes up for everything and this is why I think we have an abusive relationship - he commits emotional infidelity, we argue, we discuss, he promises not to do it again, we have sex and everything is ok (in his eyes))

I can't say he is trustworthy or honest because he is not.

All you'd given was the bad.
Does the good outweigh the bad or bad outweigh the good?

Eager_Elephant

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Sorry, I don't know any books to recommend. I don't know how it works - can you go back to Relate? Can your GP offer anything? What about your local church? I'm not Christian but I've seen other posts on here saying some can offer relationship help.

You sound really sad now. I hope you manage to work things out.

We could go back to Relate but it takes a lot of organising - we work in the town where it is available so when we had counselling before we used to go home from work - 12 miles, have tea and then take the kids to my mums - 7 miles and then drive to the town - 19 miles and then have the counselling for 1 hour and then do it all in reverse. I enjoyed the counselling and it really made me think but as I said it seemed to end before I felt ready.
We were paying for it so not sure why we only had 12 weeks. Maybe the counsellor thought we had done everything.

I am really sad and have been for a long time - that was the problem with counselling - I spent half the time crying and I am not sure why.

The problem is I cannot speak to my husband at the moment because he sees that he is not good enough for me and then he starts talking about suicide etc

Eager_Elephant

Brighton_belle wrote: »

You don't think living with someone with depression, who thinks nothing of running up £23,000 of debt and is emotionally unfaithful might be a tad difficult for the OP?
He's not a helpless little victim, as others keep stressing, he's a grown man: he is making choices too.

***

OP is clearly pretty miserable and has said quite clearly she would leave if it weren't for her daughter and his propensity to go missing/mental health issues.
OP is being very honest about her not being without fault but my goodness, this does not sound like a happy way to be living. It would be interesting to know if he though she had any good points, as he doesn't seem to mmind being emotionally unfaithful - can't be making the OP feel very valued and cherished.
I don't buy this 'it's all the OP's fault' that some appear to be suggesting.I think you both sound mismatched vis a vis risk, that is hard to both of you.

I have told my husband before that if I had lived 12 years of our relationship before we got together I would never have got with him.

Obv when we got together I did not know he had depression as he kept it well hidden - even now not many people know he has depression because outside of our house he acts like a 'normal happy' person.

What has made me more upset/sad this time is that my best friend has told me she no longer wishes to associate with my husband - she has not given me an ultimatum to pick but understands if I do not want to see her again.

Her main issues are around my husband always ruining things for her such as her wedding by being ill. I know he has not done this on purpose but that is how she feels.

She knows that he treats me like !!!!!! but has never told me to leave him.

The final straw was him messaging her sister-in-law on facebook (we have only met them twice) and offering to go out for a drink with her and acting all flirty etc - she has just divorced her husband. I confronted my husband and he said he did not mean it like it came across but could see how I saw it.
(The messaging happened one night when I was at a meeting - this is a regular pattern - when he has chatted to women it is always when I am not at home)
I think he does it for attention and it must satisfy some need he has.

My best friend thinks it has gone too far now and it seems to have shaken my husband up a bit as he knows if I had to pick it would be my best friend and not him.

When I try to discuss this emotional infidelity he seems to shut down and all he says is he doesn't know why he does it but won't do it again - yeah until the next time.

He wrote some corny line in my birthday card last week and it ended with me in tears because he has given a similar card with similar lines in for years but nothing has ever changed and he still commits emotional infidelity.

Eager_Elephant

CH27 wrote: »

All you'd given was the bad.
Does the good outweigh the bad or bad outweigh the good?

When we have just had sex the good outweigh the bad but at other times the bad outweigh the good.

I wish the first time this had happened I had ended it - I feel that if it was ok the first, second, third time then now we are on the 100th (!) then how can I walk away?

(By the way 100 is a slight exaggeration - it is probably about 20-30 times so far over 12 years - well these are just the ones I know about)

Welshwoofs

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

I think that I should have had the final decision because I see things rationally whereas he sees something he wants and goes to get it (this has contributed to his £23k of debt) regardless of the consequences.

IMO that is the problem highlighted. You may like this man, you may even still love him - but you don't respect him and it's clear in that one sentence.

Whether rightly or wrongly, it sounds as though you've infantalised him - you want to make all the decisions and if he goes ahead and makes one, he's being irrational. If you project those feelings then you'll also be emasculating him.

I'm not saying it's all your fault - he could have done 101 things to make you certain that you can't even trust him to take a dump on his own, however the reality is that your marriage is dead in the water unless you can learn to trust and share decisions. Your Relate person was absolutely right - there doesn't have to be a 'winner'. Or to quote the Kaiser Chiefs, it sounds like a case of "Love's not a competition...but I'm winning."

Sounds to me like you need to go back to counselling and make some decisions about your future and whether it's going to be together.